Being a pop star doesn't necessarily make you a film star

Mariah Carey's last attempt to conquer the movies, airbrushed autobiopic Glitter, served only to briefly unite the world in derision. So now she's back in a more humble role, as a social worker in Precious, and earning praise for her down-to-earth performance. Precious also finds an ordinary-guy role for crotch-rocker Lenny Kravitz, as a nurse. Is this the best today's singer-actors can hope for? Back in the golden age, it seemed you could put any old rock star on screen. Bowie, Jagger, Lennon, Dylan, even Art Garfunkel, but judging by the current batch, things aren't going quite so well … Marilyn Manson: The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things One thing about having an elaborate stage get-up is nobody knows what you look like without it. So even though a dressed-down "Brian Warner" (above, middle) was a perfectly good redneck dropout in this JT LeRoy adaptation, nobody recognised him. It was less blink-and-you'll-miss-it than "keep your eyes permanently peeled and you'll still miss it". Jack White: Cold Mountain You could see what Anthony Minghella was thinking when casting his civil war epic: "I need someone who can sing a nice countryish song at the end, who won't need a costume and won't mind being given nothing to do except look glum on a horse. What? Will Oldham's busy?" Jessica Simpson: The Dukes Of Hazzard Simpson fought off the likes of Britney Spears and Jessica Biel to land the denim hotpants of Daisy Duke for this godawful remake – only to display the screen presence of a lobotomised carp. Apparently no one told her she'd have to wear the shorts and, like, say stuff at the same time. P Diddy: Monster's Ball In a movie that will be chiefly remembered for Halle Berry's Oscar speech, Diddy, sorry, "Sean Combs", applied himself with great dedication to the portrayal of a remorseful convict on death row (the prison one, not the record label). Judging by his hammy interpretation, the crime was aggravated scene-milking. Britney Spears: Crossroads "Just be yourself," they told Britney for this sisterhood flick, her supposed star vehicle. Which turned out to be a big mistake. "OK, now let's try you just being yourself, but in your underwear." Will.I.Am: X-Men Origins: Wolverine As mutant cowboy dude John Wraith, his superhero power was the ability to teleport himself in an instant. But seeing as all he did was stand around in a Stetson, no one noticed he'd been there in the first place. Devendra Banhart: Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist Resplendently bearded and cardiganed, Banhart puts his freaky heart and sensitive soul into his one line – "oh, you'd know" – uttered to Norah in a late-night checkout queue. Sadly, only about four people who saw the film were still awake by that stage. Noel Gallagher: Mad Cows Gallagher has always dreamed of being John Lennon, but the closest he got on film was this atrocious 90s Britcom starring Anna Friel, during which he's to be spotted traversing the famous zebra crossing on Abbey Road. So he was literally following in Lennon's footsteps. Success!