Tangoed, and Cash?

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TANGOED When the Fiver finished bowing to Lord Shiva, the peaceful one who is the embodiment of all that is cause by the universe, rolled up its Gaiam Prosperity Yoga Mat and levitated back to Fiver Towers after lunch, a forlorn winged monkey was shivering on our window ledge and tapping on the glass, bearing a message from a curious colleague. "Am I dreaming, or do I remember a story about Ray Wilkins slumbering on a sun lounger somewhere, and having one of the travelling party's old chaps laid over his head?" he asked, before adding the all important addendum: "If I am making this up, please don't tell anyone - I get enough funny looks as it is." The story rang the kind of bell with the Fiver that can never be unrung, but after lengthy summit talks with the Fiver Lawyers, we can exclusively reveal that we have absolutely no idea what our colleague was talking about. But if Butch didn't get a slap of sorts back then, he was certainly left reeling by a big rubbery orange Napoleonic Tango hand to the chops upon being informed his contract as Chelsea's assistant manager was not be renewed, with immediate effect. "On behalf of everyone at the club," said Chelsea grand fromage Ron Gourlay, who isn't actually French. "I would like to thank Ray for everything he has done for Chelsea. We all wish him well for the future." Although the man known as The Crab has yet to comment on his shock dismissal, we expect he's bound to echo his sentiments from that Tango advert, saying: "I'm lost for words, Ralph. Absolutely terrific … smashing," before taking three steps sideways. In other Chelsea-centric news, the Fiver's carefully nurtured deep-throat and source of all inside information (aka Sky Sports News) has exclusively revealed from the shadows of its metaphorical multi-storey car-park that Frank Lampard will be out of action for another "two to three weeks" after suffering groin-gah at training yesterday. Lampard was due to line up against Sunderland on Sunday after two months out, but will now have to forego the opportunity of being maimed by Lee Cattermole until the beginning of February, unless the two sides meet in the FA Cup. QUOTE OF THE DAY "I have a young team and I'm trying to keep them relaxed. I tell them jokes and get them to talk about their girlfriends" – it's probably a good thing Seongham Ilhwa manager Shin Tae-yong doesn't coach England. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS REINA ON ME? With rumours abuzz this morning that Pepe Reina was on the verge of slapping in a transfer request and exercising his £20m contractual get-me-out-of-here clause, Liverpool fans needed some good news ahead of tomorrow's testy visit to Stoke. And they got it in spades, thanks to Reina dismissing the story as "completely untrue" and promising he was "fully committed" - and Martin Skrtel revealing that Roy Hodgson and his coaching squad have enjoyed a tactical eureka moment and figured out how to stop a Rory Delap long throw. True, it's been 22 long games since Stoke last scored from a throw-in, which suggests either that Delap's missile-launcher arms are due a little recalibration or Hodgson is not the first person to find an answer to this particular conundrum. Still, if it's taken one of the nation's wiliest, craftiest and most owl-looking tactical heads this long to get to the bottom of it, we can expect this to be one complicated and highly technical solution. And so, without further preamble, over to you, Martin, for the big reveal. "We must try to be in the right place at the right time," announced Skrtel. "It's not easy defending a long throw, so we have to be careful and work together with Pepe." Hang on a minute, there is more! "We have to stay close to their players," concludes the tattooed Slovak, "and then Pepe has to try to catch the ball." So it is that Liverpool fans can head to Stoke with hope in their hearts, safe in the knowledge that XI good men will take to the field with a head crammed full of tactical knowledge. Tactical knowledge gleaned, it seems, from the Ladybird First Book of Basic Football Tactics For One-Year-Olds. And still better than Rafa's zonal marking. GET 66 POUNDS' WORTH OF FREE BETS WITH BLUE SQUARE Click here to find out more. FIVER LETTERS "Shaun O'Dwyer's remark about picturing the Fiver's team (yesterday's Fiver letters) reminded me of Frankie Boyle's comment about seeing Saddam Hussein being hanged. I won't repeat it here; Google is powerful enough. By the way, what an irony that Frankie's autobiography is, well, not funny" - Mike Winn. "Re: Sock it to 'Em JB (yesterday's Fiver). It is actually by Rex Garvin; the Specials track is itself a cover. Nothing witty to add to that, I am just bored" - James D!ckie. Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver . BITS AND BOBS Serie A's players say they are going on strike after negotiations with the league broke down. Inter plan to kick off the protest at their away game against Tottenham earlier this month. Either Roberto Mancini would be content for Manchester City to finish fourth, or he's just got somewhere better to be over the next seven months. "If the Premier League finished tomorrow, I am happy," he tootled. Having declared he will sell his club after a series of perceived refereeing injustices, Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini has now called on Italian fans to rise up against perceived favouritism shown to big teams. "I hope the fans of Palermo and other little cities rebel," he parped. "Marching to Rome in their tens of thousands to say 'enough'." Fun and games in South America dept: Argentinian side Quilmes will play their next match behind closed doors after defeat to Gimnasia last week sparked violence among the club's fans. The team had already increased the police presence at their training ground after fans threw rocks at their bus. And France goalkeeper Hugo Lloris says the national team's players want to give their World Cup bonuses to charity. "All the players are aware of the failure at the World Cup, of its impact and the image presented," he honked. STILL WANT MORE? Brian Clough, Eamon Dunphy and Garth Crooks all in one place? It must be this week's Joy of Six . Will Andy Carroll destroy the planet? Find out with Harry Pearson . Get your fix of cake, puns and bald heads in James Richardson's European newspaper review. Could you make the right refereeing decision with Andy Carroll's piercing eyes staring right into your soul? Find out with this week's You are the Ref . And test your soothsaying skills with our Football League tipping competiton. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. ROLL ON THE WEEKEND