The Temple of Doom

ROBINHO "90% CERTAIN" TO PLAY ALONGSIDE GEORGE LUCAS Death. Taxes. Unfunny Fivers. There are very few nailed-on certainties in life. In times past, Robinho has been certain of moves to Chelsea and Barcelona, only to subsequently find himself in Manchester and … eh, still in Manchester, so this morning he left himself a whopping 10% of wriggle-room by announcing that he's only "90% certain" that he's about to make a surprise return to Brazilian club Santos. It is probably fair to say that Robinho's time at City has not been a huge success. His 15 goals for the club came at a price of over £2m each and were completely overshadowed by a trip to the Trafford Centre he and his wife, or people who look a bit like them, once took on a bus. Nicknamed the Fish, but with a whale for a mascot, Santos are famously associated with Pele and - slightly less famously - the current team of George Lucas, the Brazilian full-back as opposed to the producer of such cinematic aberrations as Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Santos are also the club where Robinho began his career, playing over 100 matches before hightailing it to Real Madrid and then Manchester City. "It's all on the right track," trumpeted Robinho on Brazilian TV this morning. "Santos are looking at the duration of my loan. Santos want a year, but City want just six months. It's 90% certain. In two or three days it should be sealed." What's more, according to the Fiver's bikini-wearing, rump-shaking, ridiculously large headdress-wearing, Caipirinha-quaffing cousin Joga Bonito Fiveto Fiver, the deal may hinge on Manchester City getting first dibs on Santos youngsters Paulo Henrique Ganso and Neymar. "They want the first choice to buy the two boys," announced sambaing Santos president Luis Alvaro Ribeiro. "That does not bother us because we sell the players for the best offer. If City have the conditions to match the offer, they can have the players." Considering the successes so many Brazilians before them have made of their time in the north-west of England, the Fiver can't help but wonder what could possibly go wrong. QUOTE OF THE DAY "I've already heard lots of times from ['Arry] Redknapp that I'm going to play, but I still remain sitting on the bench. I don't think that goal will change anything. In any case, I hope it doesn't stop me leaving Tottenham" - Despite his goal against Leeds on Saturday, it's good to see that Roman Pavlyuchenko remains as cheery as ever. FIVER LETTERS "Re: your 'Fingergate rumbles on like Mahatma Gandhi's stomach at the end of a hunger strike' in Friday's Fiver. Typically there are no stomach rumblings at the end of a hunger strike as the person on strike has either just eaten, or died" - Brian Saxby (expat in Chicago). "Re: Neville having a harder upbringing than Tevez (Friday's Fiver); I totally agree, unless Carlos's father is called Martin Martinez, the sons of Neville Neville must have endured a far worse time in their school playgrounds" - Sam Thomas. "Re: Friday's last line. Don't go to South Africa - I watched that District 9 documentary and it doesn't look like a friendly place" - Dan Wickens. "Speaking of South Africa, I once read in a brochure the following boast of a hotel in Cape Town - 'in our lounge, you can tinkle the very ivories upon which Chris de Burgh composed some of his greatest hits'. Funniest thing I've ever seen" - Rob Jacques. "Re: Bernard Cribbins describing rumours of Kenwyne Jones's loan move to Liverpool as 'the biggest load of rubbish I've read for weeks'. Is it safe to assume that he hasn't been reading the Fiver? (Come on, you were asking for it)" - Rob Morgan. "Re: Graeme Neill's assertion that 'the recent run of Fivers have been absolutely hilarious'. Does this mean you are now receiving mail from Bizarro World?" - David Lovett. "I just wanted to say that the Fiver is a recent discovery to me and I am absolutely delighted with it. Friday's piece re: Gary Neville and Lord Ferg was hilarious and I haven't had such a good laugh in years. I have signed up to be a 'regular' of the Fiver from now on and I look forward to more insightful comment soon. Well done chaps" - David Hasbury-Snogles (expat Brit in the US). Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you've nothing better to do you can also Tweet the Fiver now. BITS AND BOBS Notts County need to find £2m by Wednesday in order to survive after they were served a winding-up petition over an unpaid £600,000 tax bill. However executive chairman Peter Trembling is not, er, trembling, claiming: "We have two investors who are very close to the line. Sven and I have met them and presented our vision. The idea of putting in £25m to get us in the Championship and having Sven at the helm to lead us on, that appeals to them enormously." And to Sven too, no doubt. Spartak Moscow want to spend 335,842,170.76 roubles - or £7m in used English notes - on Yossi Benayoun. Steven Gerrard is in contention for Liverpool's next away defeat, against Wolves tomorrow, after returning ahead of schedule from injury. And Paraguay international Salvador Cabanas is in critical condition after being shot in the head at a Mexico City bar during an apparent robbery. "The first report is that the bullet entered the front of his head and did not exit," Mexico City prosecutor, Miguel Angel Mancera, told the news channel Televisa. A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS Another one of the so-called Big Four crashed out the FA Cup this weekend and the betting is now dominated by the holders Chelsea at 6-4. Man City are next at 7-2 with Aston Villa 6-1 and Tottenham 7-1 following them on the list. Meanwhile Man Utd remain 11-4 second favourites to win the Premier League title after beating Hull 4-0. Big respect to Scott White and Kevin Burgoyne, who managed to predict that Crystal Palace would be the first side to score in the FA Cup 3pm kick-offs on Saturday. There's a free bet winging it's way to you guys! Do you want a free bet? Follow us at www.twitter.com/Sportingbet_com for loads of opportunites. The free bet details are here . STILL WANT MORE? Conspiracies! Red cards! And a cackling Jose Mourinho! Paolo Bandini examines the fallout from the Milan derby . Meanwhile Sid Lowe reports on how after years of relying on curious adverts to lure supporters, Getafe's football is now enough of an attraction by itself . Speaking of attractions, why not follow Barry Glendenning's live minute-by-minute report of Egypt v Cameroon NOW? And you can also download the latest edition of our Football Weekly podcast shortly. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Click here to sign up for the Fiver today . And also, heaven forfend, if you want to unsubscribe. THE FIVER WANTS A TRX. WHY CAN'T THE FIVER HAVE A TRX?