Alexis Petridis: The bullet stops here

If you think the world of high-end menswear is nuts, you haven't seen anything until you've taken a peek at the world of high-end children's wear. Trust me: it makes the most berserk thing you've ever seen coming down a menswear catwalk – for argument's sake, say, this column's old friend the John Galliano headdress festooned with huge distended knitted penises – look as sensible as an M&S machine-washable suit. Every item of children's couture provokes a yell of horror. A pair of Burberry dungarees (age 3-6 months) for £94.95. Some pre-walker Dior baby shoes, £68. One label describes its wares as "edgy" – because there's nothing more adorable than a two-year-old who looks as if they're on their way to Disco Bloodbath in Dalston – and advertises them with a picture of a child wearing a hat made out of a plastic carrier bag. Great idea! Got a plastic carrier bag? Why not stick it on a toddler's head? What could go wrong there? Another website offers children's faux bulletproof vests, which turns out to be hugely fashion-forward. According to a recent New York Times report , people have started wearing them not for protection, but as a fashion thing, in a trend inspired by Jack Bauer in 24. It's hard to work out how said trend is going to play over here, a country in which you can't buy guns in the supermarket. It might add a knowing edge to your look if you were prowling the mean streets of a metropolis, but it's going to seem slightly de trop if you live in Wells-Next-The-Sea . • Alexis wears vest, £470, from bladerunner.tv . T-shirt, £40, by Diesel . Jeans, £85, by Nudie at Liberty . Shoes, £75, by Rocha John Rocha at Debenhams . Photograph: David Newby