Football transfer rumours: Thomas Hitzlsperger to Tottenham

One of the joys of The Mill's pitiful life is its daily 6am engagement with Sky's relentlessly cheerful Mike Wedderburn, rattling through his script and setting the agenda for the next 16 quarter-hour chunks of "he-said-she-said-what-does-this-mean-for-Manchester-United-and-Sir-Alex?-let's-ask-Steve-Curry". He kicked off this morning with some footage of Steven Gerrard, the folds in his furrowed brow now so capacious he could easily accommodate an entire 30-strong tin of Caran d'Ache pencils in his forehead. Over five minutes we'll never get back we learn that Gerrard is mildly disappointed with his form. Phil Thompson, however, thinks the Liverpool captain has a more pressing priority, telling him and Fernando Torres to man the barricades and bring down Tom Hicks and George Gillett or, as the Sun puts it: "smoke out the unpopular Yanks." They could do this, according to Pinocchio, by "giving them some ultimatums". Tottenham, meanwhile, have problems of their own in the race for fourth. Harry Redknapp reveals he's been taking "heart pills" and that he's "restless the whole night through". Not quite as telling a phrase as Graham Taylor's after England lost to Holland in 1993, when he complained of "waking up in the usual wet pyjamas" but it will do. Spurs are also troubled by the retirement of Dave Peacock from Chas and Dave, fearing that the bass player's decision to hang up his Fender Precision rules out all prospects of a Cup final knees-up single. "Highly unlikely", says the Express. Given that Redknapp has a "pants-on-fire" history of ruling transfers out then doing them anyway, we'll take the fact that he hasn't denied it to suggest Spurs' snapping up of the former Villa player Thomas "the hammer" Hitzlsperger on a free transfer from Lazio in the summer won't happen. Or is that a double bluff? Back on Aitch's old manor, it's not happy families at the 'Appy 'Ammers with David Sullivan, he of the Nat David smoking jacket, getting up the players' noses with his apology for West Ham's shellacking by Wolves. Matthew Upson has put his fingers in his ears and is refusing to listen to the bongo merchant while Gianfranco Zola has stopped him sitting in on a team meeting. Sullivan, however, is lining up Mark Hughes for Zola's job . In further Irons news, an unnamed West Ham senior figure has told Charles Sale of the Mail that he was unimpressed to see Mido tucking into a large portion of fish and chips in Marylebone. In other odd culinary news, it transpires that Norwich fans' half-time snack of choice is a cauliflower cheese pie . Say it ain't so, Delia. The ding-dong by the dug-out continues to rumble on with claims that Manchester City's Garry Cook had a millionaire Everton supporter given his marching orders from Eastlands after a "verbal spat" and that City are investigating whether Craig Bellamy may have made sympathetic comments about David Moyes' conduct that undermined Roberto "Masher" Mancini . Having honed his attack, Mancini is now concentrating on his defence and will bolster it by keeping his guard up and then signing Hamburg's Jerome Boateng for £11m and Osasuna's Cesar Azpilicueta . In a tale of two Taylors, Steven thinks it might be time to leave Newcastle, at least once his fractured jaw sets, and fancies Aston Villa or Everton to come in for him while the heavily tattooed Matt Taylor will hotfoot it from Bolton to Birmingham for £2m . Alex McLeish also wants Nantes' Jonathan Nanizayamo while Moyes is after Dinamo Zagreb's Mario Mandzukic to form a dream strike partnership with Leeds' Jermaine Beckford . Arsenal are refusing to talk contracts with Sol Campbell, William Gallas and Mickaël Silvestre until the end of the season if at all but were happy to have a chat to Stuttgart over their 15-year-old goalkeeper Odessas Vlachidimos. They've been told to do one and come back with a better offer than the £1m they started with. And finally, Mick McCarthy is ready to do business with Portsmouth who've kicked in the transfer window with the Premier League's permission. Aaron Mokoena and Tommy Smith will move to Molineux for £1.5m .