Why do I associate sex with violence and misogyny?

I am a bisexual woman married to a fantastic man but our last attempt at intimacy left me crying uncontrollably. My husband has always been extremely loving and supportive – but sex has strong connotations of violence and misogyny for me. The first time I ever touched a man I went home and scrubbed my hand raw. Despite this, I have been able to have enjoyable sex with both men and women, and I know there is nothing wrong or degrading about sex. However, these dark feelings, and nightmares, persist. The thought of someone feeling desire for me has always made me feel physically ill. Where has all this come from? Your aversion to sex with men suggests that there may have been traumatic sexual events earlier in your life, or you may have some unresolved issues with your sexual orientation – possibly both. Childhood experiences are sometimes remembered in conscious memory, and sometimes not. Even if you do not remember, buried memories can cause you to avoid situations connected to the original trauma – such as receiving particular types of sexual approaches from any man. Uncovering the root of your "dark feelings" is certainly an urgent task. Find an experienced therapist with whom you feel safe enough to focus on sexual issues. This will be hard for you because you will try to avoid the subject. But persevere – you deserve healing. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. • Send your problem to [email protected]