Football transfer rumours: Manchester City pursue the Hulk?

The world of football was thrown into turmoil this morning when a new scientific report threw doubt on their claims to be the alpha males of the sporting kingdom. There was relief, however, when the report, headlined "cricket earns biggest testicles title" on the BBC website, turned out to have nothing to do with Kevin Pietersen and instead is all about insects . On the subject of footballers and their love lives, however, there is, as usual, important news to relay. Gareth Bale 's girlfriend says their years spent tearing up and down the M4 between her base in Cardiff and his place near London made them resemble the stars of a popular BBC3 comedy series. "We made it work like Gavin and Stacey did," she told "pals". "We always joke with each other and I even call Gareth 'Gav' in a soppy accent." Portland, Oregon – where Wayne Rooney is at this very minute receiving intensive treatment to his injured ankle – boasts more strip clubs per capita than any other US city. Just saying, like. And the mother of Arsène Wenger 's alleged aspiring-rapper lover has described the Arsenal manager as "un garçon très mal élève" – a badly-raised boy. Her daughter, meanwhile, is taking sick leave from her job in a watch repair shop. In other romance-related news, Jermain Defoe says X Factor stunnah Rebecca Ferguson is "the next Mrs Defoe". The Sun links the Manchester City pair Shaun Wright-Phillips and Joleon Lescott with some kind of extremely mysterious involvement with "one of the biggest names in rap music across the pond". Their team-mate, Wayne Bridge , meanwhile, has arranged to play Goldie online at Call of Duty: Black Ops. "He's a legend," said Bridge. "I can't believe I'll be playing against him." Sub-editors at newspapers nationwide are crossing their fingers and hoping for the best after hearing news that Liverpool and Milan are both after CSKA Moscow's headline-assisting Japan forward Keisuke Honda . Another English club, rumoured to be Manchester City, have scouted Porto's similarly headline-friendly Brazilian forward Hulk . "I have heard rumours of Premier League interest but I'm focused on my work here," he roared, while lifting a car full of petrified pensioners above his head with astonishing ease. Roque Santa Cruz is a £3m target for Steve McLaren's Wolfsburg, and could thus find himself a makeweight in a megabucks City swoop for Wolfsburg's own Edin Dzeko . Also potentially on his way from Germany to Manchester is Ilkay Gundogan , Nürnberg's £7m midfielder, who has been scouted by United. "We're subject to economic considerations," his club said. Also eyeing a move to Old Trafford is the Roma forward Jérémy Menez . "When I was 15 I wanted to play under Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester United," the 23-year-old told a French TV station. "But after much consideration, I decided it was better to join a less prestigious club. However, I dream of being able to have another chance to join United, sooner or later." With Walter Samuel out for the season, the Internazionale manager Rafa Benítez is set to raid Liverpool for their Danish defender Daniel Agger , a like-for-like signing in every way – he's a centre-back, and he's injured. "We have to arrange the roster in January," pledged the Spaniard. He can always have Curtis Davies , transfer-listed by Aston Villa with a £3m price tag. Villa will use the cash to fund a £9.5m bid for the Lyon striker Bafétimbi Gomis , accused of being "the new Didier Drogba". Newcastle, who are considering a bid for Villa's John Carew , are also keeping tabs on Groningen's 21-year-old Slovenian striker Tim Matavz . Everton, Liverpool and Birmingham are all monitoring Urby Emanuelson , the Ajax midfielder whose contract expires at the end of the season. And Chelsea want the Bayern Munich centre-back Vinicius Borges Breno , but only when he recovers from his cruciate ligament injury. Bolton meanwhile have £2m with the Argentinian defender Santiago Gentiletti 's name on it. "I'd love to play in Europe," said the 25-year-old. The best of the non-sporting news from the front pages: A giraffe named Hamley, star of the ITV drama Wild at Heart, has been struck by lightning and is now dead. Michael Jackson's daughter Paris has revealed that he "made great French toast".