Brian Logan on being singled out by comedians

A fellow comedy critic recently told me a terrifying tale. He had turned up, on duty, to a Frankie Boyle gig, only to find himself seated – horror of ­horrors! – in the front row. ­Throughout the evening, Boyle duly worked his way from one hapless row A punter to another, abusing them all. "What's your job?" the ­assassination would begin. "What do you do?" The critic ­cowered, like a Christian awaiting the lions, thinking: "How the hell do I answer?" How indeed? He might try, "I'm a comedy reviewer, Mr Boyle," and hope that Mock the Week's former ­attack dog, rather than scenting blood, goes all puppyish at his fearless honesty. Or he could lie, ­inventing the unfunniest profession imaginable, and trust the stormclouds would soon blow over. But what if his bluff was called? This, surely, would be a comedian's field day – and the critic's nightmare. "You're not a ­dog-walker: you're Brian ­Logan from the Guardian. And now you're mine, all mine . . . !" (Cue ­maniacal cackle.) Of course, comedians probably have as little desire to interact with critics mid-gig as we do with them. But who knows? In the interests of disguise, I am as furtive with my ­notebook as a prison visitor is with the file in his cake. I have almost ­perfected the art of writing on it while it's still in my bag. But are my tactics working? At a Pappy's Fun Club show a while back, I was singled out – ­horror of further horrors! – for what is benignly known as audience ­participation. I prefer the term ­"extraordinary rendition". Concealing my notebook did ­nothing to prevent my being ­press-ganged, and made to play non-­existent drums in a mimed rock band. Might this have been averted had I ­deployed the ­notepad publicly, in self-defence, like garlic against a ­vampire? I can't be ­certain. In the meantime, I'll keep practising note-taking-by-stealth. And if Frankie Boyle asks, tell him that the man with the twitching bag on his lap is just another ­thoroughly unfunny accountant. Next week: Lyn Gardner