Football transfer rumours: Shaun Wright-Phillips to Arsenal?

The Rumour Mill isn't one for pogoing triumphantly on hastily erected plywood adverts for British holding companies , its shiny medal bouncing off its chest as it gets soaked in lukewarm champagne and a glittery deluge of ticker tape, before setting off on a lap of honour with a shy, slightly scared-looking microphone-bothering infant in its arms. No, that's not how the Rumour Mill rolls, having no time for self-promoting bombast, but preferring to keep its celebrations more low-key and bask in the internal satisfaction that comes from a job well done on the increasingly rare occasions that it does a job well. Our most recent triumph – a successful prediction that Steve Vickers would make his loan move from Middlesbrough to Birmingham permanent in December 2001 – was marked by a furtive self-congratulatory fist-pump followed by a well-earned paper cup of tasteless, tepid greeny-grey tea from the office tasteless, tepid greeny-grey tea dispensing machine . But should any of today's speculation turn out to be accurate, we fully intend to cut loose and treat the very fingers that typed it to a thorough cleansing with the alcohol-based office sanitising gel that's supposed to effectively kill bacteria, fungi, viruses, yeasts and moulds, but more often than not tends to squirt all over the front of your shirt or the corduroy jacket of a passing political correspondent if you push the dispensing pump too vigorously and don't cup your palm underneath the nozzle in a certain way. With Liverpool's most recent set of accounts having revealed the Merseyside club to be the Premier League equivalent of a panhandler accosting random passers-by and demanding 40p for a cup of tea, Manchester City will offer them £45m for effete, freckle-faced Spanish striker Fernando Torres , but only if they promise not to spend it on drugs or booze. Despite his team's failure to qualify for the Champions League, manager Roberto Mancini remains bullish about their chances of attracting big name players to Eastlands. "Can we attract the top, top players, like Torres? I don't know, but I don't think so," he bellowed, his nostrils flaring as he pawed the ground with one foot. According to the Mirror, City may also help iron out the increasingly furrowed brow of the Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard with an offer of £40m, which would go a long way towards helping to service either the Anfield side's debt or their manager's weakness for £3.5m-rated French teenagers who end up being moved on to Panathinaikos for £400,000 after spending two years festering in the reserves. Birmingham City have agreed a £6m deal for Manchester United goalkeeper Ben Foster , who once created positive headlines for showing iPod-based Carling Cup final penalty shootout initiative, but has since created negative ones by consistently failing to show much keeping the ball out of the goal-based shot-stopping initiative. The midlands club also plan to sign Kris Boyd from Rangers . The temperamental Scottish goal-poacher is the highest scorer in the history of the SPL with 164 goals, which is just under 75 in "dog-goals" . Arsène Wenger is ready "to rescue Shaun Wright-Phillips from his misery at Manchester City ", it says in the Sun. The Subbuteo-sized winger has to endure the extreme hardship of earning £60,000-per-week at Eastlands for occasionally presenting the soles of his boots for inspection to a man holding a fluorescent flag with five minutes to go in matches, which certainly puts your misery in perspective. £5m should be enough to bring tears of pride to his father's eye. The Daily Mail reports that Everton are "closing in" on a £3m swoop for 1860 Munich's Togo-born German striker and Robbie Earle lookalike Peniel Mlapa, 19, who is 6ft 4in and full of muscles. The Mail also reveals that the Toffees are interested in buying Mlapa's 19-year-old team-mate Aleksandar Ignjovski , although a deal for the Serbian defensive midfielder is "more complicated", for reasons that aren't explained, but may well involve a pouting woman in a red dress. In a scenario that conjures up images of a sweaty, panic-stricken young Basque central midfielder scrambling through woodland with excitable bloodhounds straining at the leash as they lead a gun-toting posse in hot pursuit, Athletic Bilbao's £15m-rated Javi Martínez is being "tracked" by Chelsea and Real Madrid . Fulham are just one of three clubs sniffing around Shrewsbury Town whelp Tom Bradshaw . Wolves and Birmingham are the other two. Leeds United boss Simon Grayson will celebrate his side's successful escape from League One by bringing Sheffield United and Northern Ireland Under-21 winger Jamie Ward to Elland Road in a deal worth £400,000. Should caretaker manager Neil Lennon fail to land the Celtic job on a permanent basis, Gordon Strachan plans to install him as his No2 at Middlesbrough in a deal that would almost certainly make (a) Paul Telfer jealous and (b) the pair the spikiest, most ginger managerial duo in the history of English football. And in other managerial news, ambition-free Azerbaijan side Gabala FC are eager to appoint Tony Adams as their manager in a £1m-per year deal that shouldn't cost them more than £200,000 before they realise they've made a terrible mistake, while Burnley will attempt to sweet-talk Northern Ireland boss Nigel Worthington into replacing Brian Laws, who remains unaware that he's about to be shown the door despite his side's monotonously predictable win over a still-celebrating-coming-fourth Tottenham yesterday .