Rafael van der Vaart

'When Rafael heard he was wanted by a big London club, he had a different one in mind,' honks John Barry Photomontage: n/a Photograph: Photographer Matt Gilbert thinks Rafael and 'Arry are a match made in heaven. Now try to scrub that image out of your mind Photomontage: n/a Photograph: Photographer 'Messianic prophecies fulfilled? Check. Third temple built? Check. World peace guaranteed? Check.' The clauses Daniel Levy had inserted into Rafael's contract were steep, claims Matt Kingscote Photomontage: n/a Photograph: Photograph 'Rafael and Sylvie van der Vaart are looking forward to partying hard in London this year.' John Barry with another offering Photomontage: n/a Photograph: Photographer Paul Stevens thinks Tottenham may be going overboard in their praise Photomontage: n/a Photograph: Photographer So taken was Harry by young Rafael, he sent his scouts out around the world to sign up anyone they could find with the same name – Rob Marriott's Raphael looks a bit like Niko Kranjcar, methinks Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain 'With all the plaudits being heaped upon new Spurs signing Van der Vaart, some of the team's earlier stars took it upon themselves to work together and win back the public's attention. They sought to remind the world of a time before the Dutch forward arrived, and thus, the Pre-Rafaelite Brotherhood was born' – Rob Marriott provides the longest caption ever Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain 'Expected to be a big hit' – Douglas Fenech keeps it simple Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain '£8m to see a new trick every week seems like good value to me. Well done 'Arry, you old wheeler dealer' – Oliver Sparrow risks Redknapp's wrath Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain 'Rafael dismisses the accusation that he is just a Real Madrid reject as a load of guff' – James Needham riffs on a familiar theme Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain 'Rafael is becoming suspicious of the motives behind his transfer' – Bert Ayres's entry is a beauty Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain 'Spurs are looking for a White Van Man to carry them through the season,' titters John Barry, who has a lot of time on his hands Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain 'I learnt something with this one. I discovered that Rafael was a traveller until he was 10 years old ... although I can’t think of a witty quote' – Jason Froggett leaves us largely empty-handed Photograph: n/a Photograph: Public Domain