Crib sheet 16.02.10

What's got into biologists? When I was at school, biology seemed a pedestrian enough affair as we plodded doggedly from aardvark to zygote. The first hint of a dark side came last month: the biology brigade had tricked their A-level students , it seemed, by telling them to study one thing and asking them questions about quite another. Hmmm, nasty. But things took a tragic turn last week, when an American biology professor allegedly opened fire during a faculty meeting at the University of Alabama faculty meeting, killing three colleagues. Apparently she was upset about not getting tenure. The weirdest manifestation has emerged at Leeds University's faculty of biological sciences where, it seems, a human being has been cloned. Well, I say human being. Actually it's Peter Mandelson . And here the plot thickens: Clone Pete appears to have put the brakes on a bunch of job cuts that Classic Pete ordered. Very, very scary. Report card Two big treats for you today: Faulty towers Jessica Shepherd has an exclusive report based on a secret database that reveals the state of buildings at universities – some of them very prestigious – around the country. Postgraduate tables We unveil our 2010 tables of postgraduate courses in England - all the subjects, all the unis, all the costs. On the margins The slot-machine addict . An easy enough subject for observational research, you'd have thought – after all, they're just sitting there. But such an undertaking is fraught with problems, say the top chaps in the field, Mark Griffiths and Jonathan Parke: "We have observed that many gamblers will often miss meals and even utilise devices (such as catheters) so that they do not have to take toilet breaks. There is little chance that we as researchers can persuade them to participate in research studies." All together now: "Ew!" What you said This week the slot has to go to Hogweed , who took the trouble to wax poetical on the subject of higher education cuts: Lord Mandelson, whose lives were drastic Called academics "set in aspic" A man of taste, perchance a glutton No friend to Chilcot, nor to Hutton. A man who does not do debate Whose loans are at a special rate A man determined to survive When unemployment snatches lives. A man whose humane grandpapa Cared for the people, near and far A man who studied things, for free In a good university Mandy, go on with roly poly And Eurowines, and guacamole. The man who p-----d on his own nation And told us: "This is education." Quote of the week Hole truth US singer Courtney Love addressed the Oxford Union at the weekend, and told her rapt audience she loved the town so much she wanted to live there: "The first time I came to Oxford I was with Echo and the Bunnymen and I walked around, and the bricks were so black, and it was so magical." Stories of the day Dead certs Disadvantaged youngsters are discovering their winning streak on horse-racing courses Gifted and talented We are failing to give our brightest pupils what they need to achieve their potential, says Mike Baker Balls replies Last week, readers of the Education Guardian supplement put their questions to Ed Balls. Find out what he said . Cheap cover Why get a teacher when you can bring in unqualified minders to keep classes in order? Rick Jones reports