Attacks of the vapours; and Joey Barton

BETWEEN A BLACKPOOL ROCK AND A HARD PLACE When Wolves manager Mick McCarthy fielded what amounted to a reserve team for a trip to Manchester United last season, no end of sanctimonious hacks, Wolves fans and non-Wolves fans were overcome by Downton Abbey-esque attacks of the vapours. Somehow managing to stifle giggles as they sermonised about protecting "the integrity of the Premier League" (no, really), they expressed outrage that Mick had put the best interests of his employers before those of the Premier League by sending a team of 11 Premier League-approved Premier League players out to play in the Premier League. By hitting Wolves with a suspended fine, the blazers of the Premier League set a dangerous precedent. And last night, Blackpool manager Ian "Ollie" Holloway threw down the yellow rubber Marigold, threatening to resign if he was punished for doing much the same thing against Aston Villa, the only difference being that instead of getting hammered 3-0 at Old Trafford, his team of Premier League-approved Premier League players playing in the Premier League were desperately unlucky to lose. "Let some person from the Premier League even try to tell me who I can pick," he roared, before some person from the Premier League had even tried to tell him anything. "I'd just pack it in, I can't work for this madness. I would resign. They do not know what they're talking about." Holloway was almost certainly ranting and raving in the heat of the moment, but considering his swashbuckling squad of bargain-basement fancy dans has done far more to protect what passes for the integrity of the Premier League than any number of petrol-rich clubs playing three defensive midfielders in the hope of eking out home draws, he would have every right to feel aggrieved if his club got fined. On the flip side, Wolves would almost certainly have plenty to say if they didn't get at least a £25,000 suspended fine. The Premier League has promised to "look into" the awkward situation, a complicated process that's sure to involve - one would hope - its very best man or somebody equally qualified ignoring it at as hard as they can, in the forlorn hope that it will eventually just go away. QUOTE OF THE DAY 21 August: "Ray is one of those select few, always present, noble in spirit, a real blue-blood, Chelsea flows in his veins ... Without him, we couldn't have won a thing, and in particular we would not have started the year at supersonic speed" - Carlo Ancelotti pays tribute to assistant manager Ray Wilkins in his autobiography. 11 November: Chelsea cut Wilkins loose with immediate effect. BARTON STINK Yesterday morning Joey Barton was proof positive that an ugly duckling can grow up a swan, but by last night the evidence was clear that a leopard cannot change its spots. The Fiver is precisely the kind of tea-timely email that is happy to spout cliches until the cows come home but fears the Newcastle midfielder's cover version of The Specials' Sock it to 'Em JB has left the tabloid sages engaged in yet another reverse ferret. Refreshingly outspoken one minute, in the form of his life and deserving an England recall the next, one short-arm solar plexus cruncher later and hanging's too good for him. OK, Barton, with his Clark-Gable-meets-Frankie-Goes-to-Hollywood-bass-slapper hairstyle, did whack celebrated fruit peddler Morten Gamst Pedersen with some vigour. It wasn't very nice and he should have been sent off. And it gives everyone the opportunity to bring up his charge sheet again – assaults, jail and dropping his shorts at Goodison Park – and suck their teeth with authority before expounding on anger management issues. But what's this? Is it the self-styled Gamst himself reducing the mountain to a molehill? "Joey Barton is a fantastic football player," he said. "He has not achieved anything with this, and I don't either by whining about it after the game." A peace summit is even proposed by the Norwegian Gandhi. "Me and Joey have nothing unsettled," he said. "I'll even invite him to dinner next time he is in Manchester." You see, the way to a man's heart is though his stomach – even if it takes a punch to get there. All's well that doesn't end well, mind. The FA has charged Barton with violent conduct and given him until 6pm on Friday to respond when he "may admit the charge and accept a standard three-match suspension". GET 66 POUNDS' WORTH OF FREE BETS WITH BLUE SQUARE Click here to find out more. FIVER LETTERS "I just can't find the words to describe how excited I am at the prospect of Joey Barton moving in with Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll" - Stephen Miller. "Re: Big Thunder's assertion that 4,000 out of China's 7,000 journalists hate football (yesterday's Fiver), surely this has to be seen as the perfect breeding ground for you to resurrect the Stop Football campaign? First China, next the world" - Dougall MacArthur. "Michael Johns (yesterday's Fiver letters) lost me at 'I have always pictured the Fiver team ...'" - Shaun O'Dwyer. Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now. BITS AND BOBS Firewall-baiting Bayern Munich striker Mario Gomez reckons homo$exuality in football is no longer a taboo subject in Germany. "We have a g@y vice-chancellor and a g@y mayor of Berlin," declared Gomez. "Footballers should therefore also come out and express their orientation." Paul Gascoigne's sentencing for drink-driving has been adjourned until 9 December by Newcastle magistrates because he has checked into rehab. "He is not here because he has decided to put himself in for treatment, that's the bit that causes me concern," sniffed District Judge Earl. "Who's running the show?" Rafael and Patrice Evra are set to miss Saturday's trip to Aston Villa after being bored to knack during the Manchester derby. Pippo Inzaghi has been ruled out for the rest of the season with cruciate ligament-ouch. And France's Etoile FC have become the first foreign club to win Singapore's S-League championship. "It's much more difficult for a foreign team to win because most Singaporeans are against us," ooh-la-lahed captain Matthias Verschave, neglecting to mention that 75% of the S-League's 12 teams are foreign. STILL WANT MORE? This week's Classic YouTube round-up takes in elasticos, tennis-ball protests and more penalty hubris. Watch highlights of all the midweek Premier League action with our video package . Five things that Sachin Nakrani learned from the midweek Premier League action. Did you know 7,777 fans attended Chesterfield's seventh game at their new stadium, which saw seven goals scored? All this and more in our Football League stats swap shop . And Page 8 (today) stunna Marina Hyde asks: why should England's footballers be role models ? SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up . COMPERE AND CONTRAST