And the most wrong Brits winner is …

Radiohead have never won a Brit. PJ Harvey's never won a Brit. Dizzee Rascal's never won a Brit. Nor have The Smiths, The Stone Roses, Gorillaz, The Streets, Daft Punk, Missy Elliott, Alicia Keys, Morrissey or Pulp (although Jarvis did get to waft his bum at Jacko). But these goons have. WTFs all round. Fairground Attraction (Best British Album/ Best British Single, 1989) Is there a more irksome single in all of pop history than the smug, boho, umbrella-twirling, mine's-a-skinny-latte, ersatz Nina Simone potpourri-advert that is Fairground Attraction's Perfect? God knows what the rest of the album must have been like but it got an award anyway. Thank fuck for acid house. Annie Lennox (Best British Female, 1989/1990) Not denying that the icy adrogyne deserves a trophy or two for her sterling work with Eurythmics, or even for her annoying-but-popular 2002 album Diva. But two of her four gongs for Best British Female were bagged before she'd even gone solo. Perhaps they got her confused with Yazz. Tasmin Archer (Best British Newcomer, 1993) The Brits panel have a habit of tipping "breakthrough" acts whose careers are already sliding inexorably down the dumper by the time they're summoned to the podium. Tasmin proved herself to be very much a poor man's Tanita Tikaram, though it could have been worse; 93's Best Newcomer award almost went instead to Undercover, whose "hit" was a house-lite version of Gerry Raffferty's Baker Street sung by a man who looked like Hugh Dennis at a Latin wedding. Des'Ree (Best British Female, 1999) Amazingly, David Brent's favourite philosopher was our Best British Female as recently as 1999. You remember how it went: "Life. Oh, life. Ohhhh life. Oh, life. Doo doo doo doo." No wonder we all wept with gratitude the moment Amy Winehouse showed up. Steps (Bestselling British Live Act, 2000) Yes, amazingly there is a silver statuette on the mantelpiece of Lee Latchford-Evans – and this one's not even disputable. Steps really did sell more concert tickets than anyone else in 1999. Tragedy. A1 (Best British Newcomer, 2001) Remind us again, were they the ones with Dane Bowers in? The ones who looked a bit like PJ & Duncan? Or the ones who told us to forget about 9/11 and save the elephants? The Darkness (Best Rock Act/ Best British Album/ Best Group, 2004) Whatever fresh ignominies may befall the unfortunately-haired Justin Hawkins, he'll always have 2003, when his very silly band swept the board as if they were the new Oasis. Let's just call it a moment of temporary collective irony malfunction and pretend the whole thing never happened, eh? Orson (International Breakthrough Act, 2007) Orson? Orson!? They wouldn't even beat the New Radicals in a Best Annoying LA Pop-rock Band With A Bald Frontman In A Hat category.