Don Diablo (No 751)

Hometown: Amsterdam. The lineup: Don Pepijn Schipper (music, vocals). The background: Today's new artist is brought to you out of a sense of responsibility. It is our duty to report on him – less because we feel an urgent need to communicate his brilliance, but because his achievements are so undeniable. Not that we'd ever heard of him, which probably says as much about our own need to explore his world as it does about the way you can be massive in one area these days and still be a total unknown elsewhere. Don Diablo, then. He's Dutch, although his stage surname means "devil" in Spanish. He's one of those furiously busy types: a producer, songwriter, artist and DJ who also makes music for movies and TV ads, runs two record labels, directs his own music videos, and is an ambassador for Dance4Life, an "international UN-supported action campaign to fight back against HIV and Aids". Since signing his first record deal at 15, he has released more than 70 singles in Holland, proven his A&R credentials by discovering and signing Mason (who had a UK Top 3 hit with electro banger Exceeder) and remixed everyone from Public Enemy to Iggy Pop, Frankmusik to Mika. Plus, with 5.5m downloads in the past 12 months, he has been several times been named most blogged artist in the world by the music blog aggregator The Hype Machine. Oh, and just when you were starting to hate him for being so successful, you find out he was voted best dressed man by Esquire magazine, most eligible bachelor by something called Jackie magazine (which we thought had folded in 1993) and was the highest ranked Dutchman (No 15) in Cosmopolitan's 100 hottest men alive. So far, so complimentary. Then you hear his music and the praise judders to a halt. His parents might have named him after Don Van Vliet, aka Captain Beefheart, the godfather of skew-whiff avant-rock'n'droll, but this 30-year-old smoothie is about as un-idiosyncratic as they come. He's so straight it's almost surreal. Of the tracks from the forthcoming Exit Studio Sweatshop album, the single Who's Your Daddy? is comical electro with rock guitars and lots of bits where the words are repeated – 'peated – 'peated – like they used to have in crap 90s remixes. The exhortations to "shake your honey bun-bun" and "feel the sweat drip from your body" are like a parody of a parody. Diablo might invite you to "get down and get freaky" but this is no more a soundtrack to delirium and acid-dazed hallucinodelia than Wings' Live and Let Die was an inducement to mass suicide. Where I Belong is so lacking in finesse it makes us think of Liam Gallagher if he went techno. It's not even brilliantly moronic, like, say, Wiley's Take That. Satellites, featuring Ish, recalls the worst of Mr C from the Shamen – it's like a lampoon of a wideboy geezer rap-techno track from an old episode of The Day Today. Never Back Down might feature a snippet of Strawberry Letter 23, but even that lustrous soul classic can't save it. Hyperactive feat Example is no better. Is that a Funky Drummer sample? Does someone use the word "mofo" and the phrase "dropping the bomb"? Is this terrible? Yes, it is. "I'm gonna take you back a little/Like a DeLorean." Sweet Jesus. Did Derek B die in vain? Shocking stuff. Bad meaning bad. The buzz: "Don Diablo's rise from DIY beginner to global superstar has been one of the most rapid and thrilling DJ journeys of recent times." The truth: We would put his enormous success in the Low Countries down to the widely available skunk, but he's highly rated here, too. Frankly, we're flummoxed. Most likely to: Take the role of Basshunter, ie the daffy Euro DJ, if they decide to keep Celebrity Big Brother going next year. Least likely to: Create anything genuinely mind-bending. What to buy: The album Exit Studio Sweatshop is released through Sony Music Entertainment in May, preceded by the single Who's Your Daddy? on 19 April. File next to: The Prodigy, Meat Beat Manifesto, Basshunter, Derek B. Links: www.dondiablo.com , www.myspace.com/dondiablo Tomorrow's new band: The School.