Antichrist: a hack job in a twisted Eden

ANTICHRIST By Paul MacInnes, with apologies to Lars von Trier SCENE 1 EXT: Day. The countryside of Washington State – in most films, a charming rural backdrop. Here, it's a vision from Beelzebub's nightmares. Sitting in a clearing are a BIRD, a DEER and a FOX. The FOX chats away. FOX Hi, I'm Tarkovsky! Welcome to my woodland wonderland! I'm here with my great buddies, Dudley the deer and Simone the squawking bird. We like to frolic in the long grass, forage for berries and, also, stand as symbols of evil. DEER That's right, Tarkovsky! BIRD Especially the last bit! Squawk! FOX Inside that hut over there are our friends, Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. DEER They're grieving, aren't they Tarkovsky! FOX That's right Dudley, grieving for their lost child. BIRD But they sure are going about it a funny way! FOX Let's go over and have a look, shall we? GRRRRASSSSRRFGGGGH! CHAOS REIGNS! Oops, sorry about that! The animals toddle off. Abruptly, the scene changes, as if the devil herself were twisting your head in a different direction, like women do. This twisting is soundtracked by a saw grinder in a windtunnel. SCENE 2 INT: Night. A remote log cabin not-at-all-ironically named Eden. Therapist WILLEM DAFOE and his wife CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG are relaxing over a log fire, mutilating each others' genitals. CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG So there I was, just reading centuries-old works of pagan literature, when I realised that nature is Satan's church. WILLEM DAFOE That's an interesting concept darling, I think I've got a thought exercise for tha ... AAAAIIIIAAAIIIOOOWWWIIIEEEEE! CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG Oh, I'm sorry, did my smashing your bits with a two-by-four hurt a little? WILLEM DAFOE That it did, petal, but I understand you've had a transformative experience and are, in fact, merely exhibiting the primal evil that exists in all women. CHARLOTTE GAINSBOURG Oh, darling, how lucky I am to have a man as understanding as you. Now hold still for a tick, I'm just going to cut off my labia. Won't be a mo! Another twisty cut, another four bars of the devil's windtunnel. If you have managed to hold on to your lunch you might have come to the conclusion that some of the cinematography is actually quite beautiful. Which is funny, when you think about it. SCENE 3 WILLEM DAFOE is sitting with TARKOVSKY on a hillside, a few hundred metres down from Eden. WILLEM DAFOE is covered in blood and bruises. The FOX has been licking its own genitals. They are musing on the events of the day. FOX Shame you had to strangle your wife to death in the end. WILLEM DAFOE I guess, but otherwise it might never have stopped! FOX What, the psychological and physical torture? WILLEM DAFOE No, the film. FOX Oh. WILLEM DAFOE Still, we had some laughs, didn't we? FOX We sure did. And don't let's forget the liberal taboos we wilfully transgressed along the way! WILLEM DAFOE Ha, I guess so. Tarkovsky, you really are a pal. FOX Awww. GRRRRASSSSRRFGGGGH! CHAOS REIGNS! Sorry! WILLEM DAFOE Hey, what's that? Coming up over the hill are hundreds of ambulating corpses, their faces unsettlingly obscured by the latest digital effects technology. FOX Oh, them? They're the corpses of all the other people who have died on this land, this crucible of evil. WILLEM DAFOE Gulp! It looks like they want something! What could it be? FOX Probably just their money back ...