MSK Zilina v Chelsea - as it happened

One of the world's major historic cities, London has over the years produced a surfeit of: actors, poets, artists, politicians, writers, musicians, philosophers, sculptors, royals, comedians, gangsters, wide boys, changeable alcoholics, piano-playing soap stars, porn barons, people who won't get out the effing way as you attempt to perambulate in a straight line down the street, litter, bobbies on bicycles two by two, little children with rosy-red cheeks. It has signally failed to come up with a single: European Cup winning football club. State of the place, 2010 we're up to now. This is getting beyond a joke. Can Chelsea do something about this embarrassing state of affairs, given you probably can't be trusting Arsenal or Spurs to seal the deal? Well, why not with this team? Cech, Ivanovic, Alex, Terry, Zhirkov, Essien, Mikel, Benayoun, Sturridge, Anelka, Malouda. Subs: Turnbull, Ramires, Ferreira, Kalou, Van Aanholt, Kakuta, McEachran. The first step on the road to the final at Wembley, though, is a visit to Slovakian champions MSK Zilina, who we're told are big, powerful, and minded to attack: Dubravka, Guldan, Piacek, Pecalka, Mraz, Jez, Babatounde, Rilke, Ceesay, Vladavic, Oravec. Subs: Krnac, Angelovic, Leitner, Majtan, Poliacek, Sourek, Vittor. Kick off: 7.45pm, when it'll be dark outside in the UK. The nights are fair drawing in, eh? Referee: Bjorn Kuipers (Holland) Keeping Things In Perspective with John Terry: "Until we win the Champions League I'm not going to die a happy man, that's a fact." Is he alright, do you think? It's dark in Zilina as well. And pelting down to boot. No roof. This is all designed to push JT over the edge. Don't they realise he's working through some existential issues at the moment? This is an outrage. The teams are out, and it's anthem time. Here's a non Uefa-bastardised version of it: Magnificent. Anyway, we're off, Chelsea kicking off in blue with white socks, Zilina in yellow with green shorts. A nervous start for Zhirkov, who fannies around in his own penalty area, chasing a long pass down the right from Jez, and has the ball taken off his toe by Rilke. The ball's hacked out for a corner, which is easily dealt with by Cech. What a lively start. 3 min: Chelsea haven't seem much of the ball so far. Terry's mood won't be improving at all. "Does anyone die happily?" asks Ian Copestake, apropos the funky Chelsea captain. "Aren't we meant to struggle against the dying of the light?" Not a fan of The Who, then, Ian? 4 min: Zilina are right up for this. Ceesay picks the ball up just inside the Chelsea half, dead centre, sashays into a worrying amount of space, and confidently strokes an extremely entertaining shot with the outside of his right boot goalwards from 30 yards. The dipping effort sails over the bar, and Cech had it easily covered, but the ball wasn't that far from the top-right corner. 7 min: Benayoun has a quick burst down the left; his cross-cum-shot is terrible. Then he has another romp into Zilina territory, slipping Sturridge in down the right. The striker stumbles as he reaches the box, allowing a yellow shirt to close on him, but he twists and turns and makes himself some more space, hammering a low cross into the six-yard box. It's hacked clear by Placek, but that was very promising from Chelsea after a sticky start. 9 min: Benayoun is super-busy at the moment. He curls in another cross from the right; this one is dealt with by Dubravka in the Zilina goal. "I find the Terry quote about not dying happy if he doesn't win the CL rather well judged," opines Gary Naylor. "It shows ambition, motivation and perspective. After all, he hasn't referred to a World Cup medal, nor another Father of the Year award." 12 min: Chelsea are pinging it around a lot. Zhirkov bombs down the left and is upended by a clumsy Rilke, level with the edge of the box. That's a cheap free kick. Malouda takes, hammering a low cross into the area. Terry slips the ball back for Sturridge, who blasts wildly over from 20 yards. Poor. 13 min: WHAT WORK BY MICHAEL ESSIEN HERE! Zilina 0-1 Chelsea. From deep in his own half, Essien feeds Mikel the centre circle, who in turn finds Benayoun. The Israeli slips a delicious ball down the inside-left channel to release Anelka. The striker reaches the box, checks, and slips a low ball into the centre, allowing Essien - who started the move - to hammer a low shot into the bottom-left corner. That's magnificent play from Chelsea, who after weathering five minutes of sprightly shenanigans from the home side, responded superbly. 15 min: Zilina aren't giving up quite yet. They win a free-kick 30 yards out, dead centre. Oravec aims low for the bottom-right corner. He hits it round the wall, but straight at Cech, who nearly spills the ball into the net. Cech reacts quickly to his blunder, and dives on the wet ball. 18 min: Another burst from the home side, and again it's Ceesay, who powers down the left and feeds Vladavic, whose resulting low drive is well wide left of goal. 20 min: Even by early Champions League group-stage standards, it's quiet tonight, both in the stadium, and in your hard-grafting MBM reporter's empty inbox. Maybe everyone's wishing they were watching Real Madrid v Ajax instead. I wouldn't blame a single one of you. Someone needs to sort this Champions League out. An unseeded knockout draw, perhaps? 22 min: Ceesay has been magnificent so far. He ghosts into the box from the right and clips a cross onto the head of Bello, who plants a header on target. He's going for the bottom-left corner, it seems, but only succeeds in sticking it straight down Cech's throat. This has been a really good response by Zilina to their early setback. 24 min: THINK WE'RE DONE HERE ALREADY. Zilina 0-2 Chelsea. This was embarrassingly easy. Malouda, in the centre circle, clips a ball down the inside-left channel for Anelka, who romps past the lumbering Guldan and slots a low shot into the bottom-right corner, across Dubravka, who really should have got a hand to it. 28 min: MORE SPECTACULAR CHAMPIONS LEAGUE DRAMA!!! Zilina 0-3 Chelsea. Chelsea ping it around a while. Eventually Sturridge gets bored and has a pop. Dubravka palms the ball round the post, unconvincingly, for a corner on the right. From the corner, Terry heads the ball towards the top-right corner. The keeper makes a meal of the save, pushing it onto the bar. Anelka is the first to respond, poking the rebound home from three yards. Night, everyone! 32 min: The match is dead. The atmosphere is dead. European football as a competitive spectacle is dead. "If this were the final, would the opposition now have a free hand to kill John Terry?" wonders top logic extrapolator Gary Naylor. "Probably a red card offence, but maybe not if Howard Webb gets the gig." 34 min: Zhirkov feeds Terry down the left. The still-sentient Chelsea captain hammers a low cross into the six-yard box for a hat-trick seeking Anelka, but the striker can't get to the ball before Dubravka - though the keeper nearly spills the ball into his own net. Zilina are currently making John Terry look like Garrincha. It's not right, this, is it? Something's gone very wrong somewhere down the road. 38 min: Zhirkov rumbles down the left, where no yellow shirt has wandered since 7.46pm. The Chelsea man cuts the ball back into the centre for Malouda, who sidefoots straight at Pecalka when he should have made it four. The right-back Guldan should be offered a polished Deringer and a quiet room, and encouraged to do the right thing. 41 min: Zilina sling a couple of long balls into the Chelsea area, but the blue shirts mop up any danger quickly and without undue fuss. "An unseeded knock out draw, you say?" writes Phil Sawyer. "They could call it something like, oh I don't know, the European Cup? Nah, it'd never work. Next you'll be suggesting changing the Premier 'World's Most Exciting' League to something crackpot like the First Division." 43 min: Much better from Zilina. Vladavic cuts inside from the left and unleashes a spectacular rising shot towards the top-right corner. Cech has to extend himself fully to palm the ball towards the corner flag. Rilke gets onto the pass quickly, clipping the ball back into the centre for Oravec, who guides a header just wide left. If he'd found the far corner then, Cech wasn't getting there. More excitement, please! 44 min: Sturridge is set free down the inside right by Essien. He's clear on goal, but jumped the gun and was caught offside. A calmer head, and that'd have been Chelsea's fourth. "Rather than a polished Deringer perhaps Guldan should, a la the Who, polish off a bottle of Bollinger in a hotel room and let nature run its course," suggests Ian Copestake. HALF TIME: Zilina 0-3 Chelsea. A superb display by Chelsea, 40 minutes of filth after a promising start from Zilina. The balance of power in European football is now so utterly banjaxed as to render product such as this - and "product" is surely what we're dealing with here - almost totally unwatchable. Next to no drama whatsoever, and events in the Arsenal-Braga game, where it's also 3-0 to the English side, only serve to hammer home the point. Chelsea fans can be forgiven for not giving a flying one at this juncture, of course. And we're off again! Zilina restart with a show of intent, pouring down the Chelsea end, Jez creaming a half-decent effort over the bar from 25 yards. The ground is almost silent. 47 min: GOAL. Zilina 0-4 Chelsea. A long ball slipped straight down the centre by Benayoun. Sturridge outpaces the mobile Zilina central-defensive partnership of Wardrobe and Dining Room Table, rounds Dubravka on the left, and hammers home a low shot. 51 min: Alex needlessly concedes a corner down the left, under very mild pressure from Vladavic. Jez takes, but the set piece doesn't beat the first man. 54 min: SOME COMEDY TO LEAVEN THE MOOD! Zilina 1-4 Chelsea. What a cock-up by Cech, who flaps at a deep cross from the right, palming the ball onto Alex, and sending the ball bouncing towards an empty net. It's going in for an own goal, but Oravec slides in to touch the ball just before it crosses the line. Another two goals, and I'll take back everything I've said. 57 min: Chelsea suddenly look a bit dazed, as though they fell asleep after scoring their fourth. Vladavic cuts inside from the left and unleashes a shot goalwards, the ball hitting the side netting, though Cech had it covered. 60 min: Changes. Poliacek replaces Rilke, then a minute or so later Majtan replaces Ceesay. And for Chelsea, Sturridge makes way for Kakuta. 64 min: Essien is upended somewhat thuggishly by Oravec. That really should have been a yellow card. "I'm not sure what exactly it is you're looking for in a first-round match between one of the world's best teams and a small club from a middling league," begins Sean Swift. "You can go back to the old knockout format, but it's not going to stop hammerings from happening. Take '72-'73 for example: the first round had aggregate scores of 7-1, 10-0, 9-1, 6-0 and 7-2. The second round had a 13-0 (!) aggregate along with another 6-1. Some teams are just better than others – not every game is going to be a nail-biter." Fair point well made. But you could still theoretically have the favourites draw the holders at the same knockout stages, and had some tension and drama somewhere in the tournament from the off. The modern tournament: I'm not so sure. Remember, there are five more months of this before any of the big boys get turfed out. Anyway, I've just shamelessly moved the goalposts, so let's instead concentrate on the rest of the drama. 67 min: Zilina had their tails up, to admittedly little effect, for a while, but Chelsea have regained any composure they'd lost after the slapstick goal. Kakuta suddenly turns on the burners and breaks through, down the inside-right channel, but there's a mistimed one-two with Mikel and the linesman puts his flag up. 70 min: Benayoun - who has been magnificent - is nearly set free down the left, but is caught offside. Just. There are more goals in this for Chelsea, you may or may not be surprised to hear. 74 min: With the Chelsea defence standing totally still, Guldan gets his head on a Jez free kick from the right, ten yards out. If he'd got it on target, the top-right corner, that'd be another goal for the Slovakian champions, as Cech - who has been possibly Chelsea's worst player this evening, mishandling a few times as well as spectacularly imploding for the goal - was rocking back on his heels. But he didn't, so it wasn't. 76 min: For a moment, the stadium falls totally quiet. 78 min: Malouda nearly releases Anelka down the right, but Pecalka comes across to cover. "Football at the highest level has been getting progressively more boring for the last decade," writes Patrick Bateman (no, not that one). "It's only bourgeois muppets who find these kind of games exciting. For them it's like going to the ballet. Sport is all about being a contest; the Premier League and Champions League are unwatchable as sporting contests, and it always amazes me just how many people continue to be 'enthralled' by watching Chelsea stick six past teams every week." 79 min: MR GULDAN! YOUR DERINGER IS POLISHED, BUFFED AND PREENED! THIS WAY, PLEASE! He's replaced by Angelovic. Oh dear. Nobody likes to see this. 80 min: The 17-year-old Josh McEachran comes on for his debut, replacing the excellent Benayoun. 83 min: Malouda exchanges passes with Kakuta on the left-hand edge of the area. He races clear only to be brushed off the ball by Pecalka. I reckon the referee would have pointed to the spot if this was closer, but as it is he looks hard and long at a very irritated Malouda before slinking away. 84 min: The young debutant McEachran breaks down the inside-left channel, into the box, and earns himself a chance to shoot on goal. But before he can take aim, the whistle goes for offside - unfairly, as it was the unused Malouda who was lurking beyond the last man. Thus we're denied the chance of a dash of romance to an otherwise uninspiring night. 87 min: Another change for Chelsea, another young lad gets his chance to taste top-level action: Patrick Van Aanholt comes on for Malouda. "This group format is pathetic and money grubbing and simply disingenuous," begins Michael Aston. "Hell, if I had my way, only the champions of respective leagues would qualify. This is now, so generic and meaningless. Pointless, meaningless and a filthy lie." And to think John Terry defines his very existence as a human by it. 89 min: Ivanovic skitters inside from the right wing and hoofs a terrible effort high and wide left. 90 min: There will be two added minutes of spectacular rollercoaster action. 90 min +1: Kakuta hoicks his foot high into Jez's back, just to the right of the Chelsea D. That's a free kick in a dangerous position. The fouled captain takes the kick himself, sending the effort sailing miles high and wide right of Cech's goal. FULL TIME: Zilina 1-4 Chelsea. Well, the home side did well to dig in after Chelsea went 4-0 up right at the start of the second half, when a rout looked on the cards, but that's about all you can say about them. Chelsea were very impressive - or as "very impressive" as they needed to be - with only a couple of defensive lapses and a few shakes by Cech to worry them. Up front they were clinical, until they realised the job was done. That sets their European campaign off on the right foot, though, and that's pretty much all they'll be worried about. Meanwhile I'm off to dig out my Betamax video of Feyenoord's 21-0 demolition of Luxembourg's US Rumelange in the 1972/73 Uefa Cup, and sob quietly over the loss of European football's golden years.