Peter Bradshaw on World Cup films

This is a tricky month for film reviewers. The medium on which our livelihood depends, usually so dominant and super-sexy, is now upstaged by the World Cup. Generally, a World Cup-themed film does get released. This year it was the Italia 90 documentary One Night in Turin; in 2006 it was Sixty-Six, about a boy's coming of age in the year of Bobby Moore. But reviewing these films just reminds everyone how irrelevant you are. We need to work now on a glut of World Cup-related films to be released during Brazil 2014, so critics can participate more fully in football fever. What about: Jewel (dir Stephen Frears) Set in Bogotá, Colombia, during the 1970 World Cup, the action spans the four days Bobby Moore was under arrest on the trumped-up charge of stealing a bracelet from a jewellery shop. This awful experience strengthens his marriage: cue flashbacks to Bobby buying Christina her wedding ring, etc. Stars Rafe Spall as Bobby and Andrea Riseborough as Christina. Hugh (dir Ken Loach) A downbeat portrait of the ITV sports broadcaster Hugh Johns, preparing to commentate for the 1966 World Cup final, and aware that whatever words he utters at the key moment will go down in history. As Geoff Hurst scores his final goal, Hugh shouts: "That's it. That is IT." A deathly silence ensues. Mrs Johns walks into the commentary booth and offers to put the kettle on. Stars Rafe Spall as Johns, Andrea Riseborough as Mrs Johns. Header (dir Michael Haneke) A disturbing portrait of the 1982 England v Spain group match, when Kevin Keegan missed an easy header. There is a close-up of Keegan's agonised face as the crowd's jeering becomes deafening, then suddenly cuts out into silence. Flash forward to 1991. Kevin's Range Rover is parked at dawn in a layby off the M25. Three sinister, bat-wielding figures approach. What on earth is going on? Stars Rafe Spall as Kevin and Andrea Riseborough as Mrs Keegan. A bit BBC4, I know. All other ideas gratefully received.