I can't cope with my partner's sexual past

I have had two long-term relationships and experienced the same trauma in both. On learning about my partner's past sex life, I have been plunged into a deep depression, leaving me feeling isolated and despairing. Confusingly, in the heat of passion, I sometimes use a fantasy of my partner having sex with someone else to excite me, which seems to completely contradict the agonies I feel in the cold light of day. Jealousy is a normal emotion, and it is not uncommon to have strong feelings on learning about a lover's previous liaisons. It would make things easier emotionally if we adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, but – in the interest of safety – it is probably sensible to glean some sort of sexual history from a new partner. (People rarely tell the whole truth though, so in future you might consider leaving well alone.) I suspect that in your case there may be another reason why this information is so intensely painful – perhaps a deep, unresolved issue from your childhood, such as a mother who abandoned you or an insecure attachment to a parent or carer. Seek some help for this narcissistic wound. As for your confusing sexual imagery, people often fantasise about situations they would never wish to experience in real life: in your case this may even be an unconscious attempt to gain mastery over your pain. Allow yourself this erotic paradox. Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. • Send your problem to [email protected]