My fantasy coalition cabinet

We now know who will be prime minister, and who will fill the key posts in the government. The endless toing and froing has of course been terribly exciting – the numerous ex-cabinet ministers telling us on TV that they don't know what's happening, but giving us their opinion anyway, were never less than informative. But if one were to have nodded off at any point – perish the thought! – who might we have dreamed up as a fantasy coalition cabinet, from politicians alive or dead? Let us imagine ... Given the grim economic outlook, the first task clearly would be to cheer everyone up by turning the Department of Culture, Media and Sport back into the Ministry of Fun. And who better to run it than the Victorian prime minister Lord Palmerston , whose dedication to sport, and indeed to fun, was such that he expired while over-strenuously coaching a young chambermaid on her billiards technique. More seriously, it would be a soft-shoe Hush Puppy shuffle back to No 11 for Ken Clarke , the man everyone would really like to be chancellor but who has to pretend he thinks George Osborne would do a much better job. For the Home Office there could be only one: the great pioneer of the permissive society as Labour home secretary in the 60s, Roy Jenkins (although Woy would, over an "agweeable lunch" and a decent claret, insist the term "civilised society" was pweferrable). At education, a surprise choice: Margaret Thatcher. What? Well, you can hardly leave her out. And at her old ministry (she held the post under Heath) she had an impeccably leftwing record – more comprehensives were created under her than under any other education secretary. Health should go to the late Labour MP Leo Abse , uniquely qualified for the post if only because of his seminal work Fellatio, Masochism, Politics and Love. For similarly absurd reasons, the former deputy speaker Sir Michael Lord , who has just retired from the Commons, must go to the upper House so that we can enjoy news presenters saying: "The leader of the Lords, Lord Lord..." The minister for London – not just for Hampstead, as she would sometimes put it – Peggy Jay , would also be given the right to attend cabinet, as would the minister for asteroids, Lembit Opik (although in his case, attendance privileges would not include the right to speak). Austen Chamberlain could make up for once having been the only 20th-century Tory leader never to be prime minister by becoming Welsh secretary, an appropriate position given that the office was also occupied by the man who later equalled his record, William Hague. That feisty defender of the underprivileged and the needy, Barbara Castle , moves to work and pensions, while her former colleague Shirley Williams was going to take transport, but unfortunately she was late. That role goes instead to WE Gladstone , who would not have needed to take quite so many long walks (or indeed, late night perambulations in the seedy areas of the capital) if only the local bus services had been better. International development was pencilled in for John Stonehouse , although as he seems to have disappeared he is being replaced by Winston Churchill, in recognition of his well-documented affection for the populations of developing countries. But wait, a statement from the communications director live in Downing Street: "Today the prime minister, Mr David Lloyd George, has invited Mr Tony Blair to join his cabinet to take up a position of influence – or was it idleness? – under the crown once held by Mr Denis Healey. Why has he appointed the young war criminal? No doubt there are sensible answers to such questions. There have been precedents. Attlee in 1948, Wilson in 1966. My friends in the sketch-writing trade are sure to supply them tomorrow morning in what used to be known as the broadsheet press…" For a moment I imagined my old IoS colleague Alan Watkins was the Alastair Campbell de nos jours . I must have been dreaming.