Revealed: Richard Desmond's secret 10-point plan for Channel Five

• Rename it "Five: The World's Greatest TV Channel". • Rebrand Five News as "Five News, Five Goss, Five Pics, Five Sport". • Buy rights to old Channel 4 sitcom, Desmonds . It sounds like a winner! • Cut length of flagship 5pm news bulletin to one minute, allowing 29 minutes to talk about the weather. Well, it works for the Daily Express . • Drop Justin Lee Collins . I've got enough hairy twats on my other TV channels. The new face of Five – Princess Diana. • Explore ideas for new flagship sports show, Topless Darts, but without the darts. • Bring back karoake game show Night Fever with new resident house band, the RD Crusaders . Ace drummer! • Outsource production of teatime soap operas to Australia. What do you mean, they've already done that ? • Move the watershed from 9pm to 9am to allow greater variety of programming in the daytime schedule. May require call to Ofcom. • Follow up the Hotel Inspector and the Restaurant Inspector with ... the Newspaper Inspector, in which a well-known charismatic press baron tells journalists where they are going wrong. And pays himself £1m a week.