Newcastle United v Aston Villa - as it happened

Preamble: Odd as it may seem after the Summer of Jingoism, this week an Italian said it best when Roberto Mancini remarked, "All of us, when we were younger, were bad boys." He was speaking about Mario Balotelli, of course, but the same could easily be applied to Newcastle United Football Club. All football clubs are capable of cock-eyed decisions from time to time. It's just that Newcastle turned that particular skill into an art form, some of their more baffling decisions over the last few years defined in the legal profession as Asking For It. Newcastle have had a lot of growing up to do in the last year and maybe, just maybe, things are starting to calm down, expectations dampened and realism flourishing. That's what relegation does for you and even their barnstorming promotion last season hasn't led to the sort of giddy demands that saw Sam Allardyce hounded out of a job at St James' Park. For fostering a more serene air around the club, Chris Hughton, on a hiding to nothing last season, deserves oodles of credit. As they say, finish fourth from bottom and we'll be happy. This is a fixture that recalls some of the madder episodes in Newcastle's recent history, such as when Lee Bowyer and Kieron Dyer went a bit weird and a had a little falling out and didn't exactly make up later and then it was just really awkward, or when Steven Taylor emulated Rivaldo for the first and the last time in his career (fittingly, unlike the Brazilian legend, he didn't get away with it). And even more gallingly, it was Aston Villa who sent Newcastle down in 2009. Now I'm as up for a bit of charmless gloating as the next embittered supporter, but here's a life lesson for you kids: if you're going to heckle someone, be absolutely certain that they can never do anything to get you back in the future. Villa fans that day basked in the comedy of Newcastle's relegation - be honest, it was kind of funny - so I imagine the home side will be itching for revenge today. That's the problem with football: schadenfreude is rarely rewarded. It's a terrible thing. The teams are in: Newcastle: Harper; Perch, Coloccini, Williamson, Jose Enrique; Routledge, Smith, Barton, Nolan, Gutierrez; Carroll. Subs: Krul, Lovenkrands, Ryan Taylor, Xisco, Ameobi, Vuckic, Tavernier. Aston Villa: Friedel; Luke Young, Clark, Dunne, Warnock; Albrighton, Petrov, Ireland, Downing; Ashley Young, Carew. Subs: Guzan, Delfouneso, Heskey, Reo-Coker, Beye, Lichaj, Bannan. Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire) Newcastle are unchanged from their opener last week, when Newcastle lost 3-0 at Mancheter United while Aston Villa beat West Ham 3-0, but bring in Stephen Ireland for his debut. Mmmmm. Symmetrical. Getting excuses in early dep't: I don't have ESPN on my computer. In the interest of balance, I suppose I should mention Aston Villa's chances today so here goes nothing: the signing of Stephen Ireland and the emergence of Marc Albrighton, who will be included in a New England squad before the end of the season, will more than compensate for the sale of the vastly overrated James Milner. On a completely unrelated point, have you ever read anything more delusional than this ? Next week: "Maynor Figueora breaks left leg - right leg in tip-top condition." A socially conscious email: "Did Mancini really say that, with the pauses the punctuation impiies?" ponders Gary Naylor. "If so, it's rather elegant, though for real verisimilitude, he should have inserted a "... and drunk..." after "young". Hasn't been in Britain long enough I suppose." Yes, we are a fine nation. The teams are out - there's a cracking atmosphere. I predict a 1-1 draw. Peep! Aston Villa get us underway, kicking from left to right. Marc Albrighton scoots down the right, before being stopped by Jose Enrique. Joey Barton finds himself in some space in the middle and attempts to spread the play out to Wayne Routledge on the right, but the pass is far too long. 2 min: A scrappy start, with neither side quite settling yet. There's been a lot of long balls so far. 4 min: Villa shuffle the ball around the back, looking for a route up the left wing but, instead, simply concede possession in the midfield. No matter, they have a probe up the right instead - but that comes to nothing. 7 min: Right, I'm back, I've been finding a computer where I can watch the game properly. The things I do for you guys. I'll let you decide who penned the entry on four minutes. First person to guess correctly wins my eternal respect. Happily there hasn't been a goal yet, although while I was waiting for my computer to load, Villa worked a good opportunity in the Newcastle area but John Carew fluffed his lines. 9 min: PENALTY TO VILLA! 10 min: PENALTY MISSED! John Carew was obviously up last night watching Jaap Stam's penalty against Italy in Euro 2000 - I believe that penalty is currently sailing somewhere over the River Tyne. It was a fair award by the way, Steve Harper bringing down Ashley Young as he ran on to a Petrov through ball. What a let-off for Newcastle. GOAL! Newcastle 1-0 Aston Villa (Joey Barton, 12 min) What a goal! And what a fine player Joey Barton would be if he wasn't, well, Joey Barton. After some intense Newcastle pressure, in which Kevin Nolan might have done better with a free header in the box, the ball was eventually worked to Barton 25 yards out. On the left, he took a touch inside and sent a scorching right-footed shot into the top corner. Brad Friedel needn't have bothered going for it, such was the ferocity of the shot. What must John Carew be thinking? 15 min: This game has a really open feel to it. Newcastle are bright going forward, but at the back they look typically anarchic. They're trying to play a high line and Ashley Young and Carew are breaking beyond it at will from the simplest of long balls forward. Plus ca change . 17 min: Thanks to the assorted pedants who've pointed out it wasn't a penalty to Newcastle - my apologies, it's been slightly farcical so far. 19 min: "4 min was Tom Lutz," offers Mac Millings. "However, please don't give me your eternal respect; I wouldn't know what to do with it. Even people who barely tolerate me freak me out. If you must reward me, I'm much more comfortable with indifference." Wrong! Tom Lutz isn't even in today! Barton's just been booked. Two games, two bookings. 20 min: "One of the cliches about baseball is that it is a game of redemption (you foul-up in one innings and end up a hero at the top of the ninth)," says Ian Copestake. "Judging by your preamble football is a game of revenge, served cold a season later." 21 min: Newcastle do not inspire confidence at the back but so far Villa have been utterly wasteful. Downing cuts in from the right and tries his luck from 30 yards out, but the shot drifts well wide. 22 min: Close for Newcastle - Andy Carroll, who looks a real prospect, turns in the middle of Villa's half and slides a ball towards the onrushing Kevin Nolan, whose attempt to befuddle the covering Richard Dunne with a backheel to Routledge is noble in intent and clumsy in execution. 25 min: Another let-off for the home side as Ashley Young scoots through the middle of the gawping Newcastle defence and slots the ball past Steve Harper. Sadly for Young, Martin Atkinson had already blown his whistle - it can't have been for offside as the linesman didn't raise his flag, so presumably the referee saw Young control the ball with his hand. Either way, Newcastle are living dangerously. Ah, I've missed them. 27 min: "4 mins? Tom "Tommyturbo" Bryant?" Gary Naylor is just plain weird. 28 min: I've just seen the Young incident again. The ball did brush off his arm as he ran through, but I'm not sure it was intentional. 31 min: "On the subject of Milner's transfer, why is it that managers often get a particular fixation on a certain player to the extent that they pursue a deal beyond the limit when it becomes reasonable?" writes Davud Wall. "You could say similar about Hughes with Lescott last year, Ferguson with Berbatov, Benitez with Barry (sure, he didn't get him but that was only because Barry turned him down, and look at the disruption he caused to Liverpool in the pursuit), just to name some examples off the top of my head. That's not to denigrate any of the players involved, and I think that Berbatov (eventually) and Milner will turn out to be very good (I don't agree with the slight Milner backlash that has happened recently). But surely they won't make such a difference to the signing club to be worth the hassle. Shouldn't someone (the assistant manager perhaps) take them aside when they get that kind of fixation, like a parent stopping their teenager from shelling out a fortune on the first day that the new iphone (with a different coloured shell!) is released." Phew. That was a longer email than I first suspected. GOAL! Newcastle 2-0 Aston Villa (Kevin Nolan 32 min) This just isn't Brad Friedel's day. Good interplay by Gutierrez and Enrique on the left releases the latter, whose cross towards the far post is nodded back into the six-yard box by the towering Andy Carroll. With the Villa defence on leave, Nolan stooped to head the ball towards goal. Somehow Friedel saved the first effort, but watched in horror as his parry went straight back to Nolan whose second header dropped into an empty net. Somehow Newcastle are winning this game by two goals - not that they've been bad, just that Villa should be level at least. GOAL! Newcastle 3-0 Aston Villa (Andy Carroll 34 min) Villa's defence, usually so strong, has descended into mild farce. Barton drifted in a corner towards the far post from the right, it was nodded down by Mike Williamson and Dunne's fluffed attempt at a clearance dropped straight to Andy Carroll, who could barely believe his luck and screwed the ball past a motionless Friedel. Incredible stuff! 37 min: It should be four! How is it not four? And Newcastle could arguably have had a penalty too. Villa's defending has been abysmal in the last ten minutes and is breached again, Nolan running on to Barton's through ball. He had Alan Smith alongside him and was going to roll the ball across for a tap-in before Dunne tripped the midfielder. With that option cut off, Nolan's shot was half-smothered by Friedel before Clark hacked away. 39 min: James Perch has been booked after clattering - accidentally - into Stephen Warnock's back. It wasn't intentional but it was dangerous, so a booking is justified. 41 min: Newcastle have been breathless going forward and a little iffy in defence, but one of their most impressive performers so far has been Jose Enrique at left-back who is keeping the threatening Albrighton under wraps. The pair had two tussles in quick succession just now, and the Spaniard, so disappointing when he initially arrived on Tyneside, outmuscled the youngster on both occasions. 43 min: Wayne Routledge could be the poster boy for English football: pace and directness and absolutely no final ball. I've lost count of the amount of times promising moves have faltered with the ball at his feet. Good job Newcastle are 3-0 up then. 45 min: We'll have two minutes of the added stuff. Half-time and barring a minor miracle, Joey Barton is going to be able to shave off that growth above his mouth tonight. Some emails: "Did Arsene Wenger not have something to say about the style Villa play?" says Pavel Hrmo. "A bit too much long ball surely. Did Steven Ireland even touch the ball or are they all flying over his head?" Ireland has been anonymous so far, with Nolan, Smith and Barton all very impressive for Newcastle in the middle. "Did anyone else see Joey Barton do a Hitler salute in the celebrations after his goal?! asks Sam Collins. "Commentators haven't mentioned it but he definitely did. He just can't keep out of trouble." I'd publish the rest, but they're all just attempts to earn my eternal respect and the downright bizarre Gary Naylor already has it. How did you know, Gary? How did you know? From the normal camera angle, Barton's goal looks like an error from Brad Friedel, but from behind the goal, it's clear that the ball, already hit so well, moved so elusively in the air. Barton for England. That said, he could have been sent off for the foul on Petrov, for which he was only booked. On the subject of hitting the ball well, on Soccer Saturday yesterday Paul Merson said that David Ngog shouldn't get too much praise for his goal against Arsenal last week just because the shot was fierce. I see his point - which was to lambast Manuel Almunia - but a little harsh, no? "Newcastle have confirmed they have agreed terms with FC Twente for Ivory Coast midfielder Cheick Tiote," says my hero Tom Bryant. "They're clearly so convinced they've got this one in the bag, they spent the second half of the first half scouting for and then signing new players. Casual." And we're off again: What have Aston Villa got? Not a lot on the bench, that's for sure. Still, it would be good if they managed a comeback, just so Joey Barton ends up looking like this . 47 min: Villa haven't had a touch yet. What a team. 49 min: This really has been an expert display of shooting yourself in the foot by Villa - soft goals conceded, an atrocious penalty. Apart from, well, the goals they've conceded they've more than matched Newcastle. 53 min: It's been a very quiet start to the second half. Villa appear to be beaten, I'm not sure they have the resolve to muster a comeback, but then stranger things have happened, like Carlton Cole being allowed to take a penalty. 54 min: If anything, Newcastle are only going to add to their total. After last week's shellacking of West Ham, this has been a gruelling hour or so for Villa. Maybe James Milner was important after all - Ireland has been utterly bypassed in the middle. 55 min: "I recall a moustachioed Kevin MacDonald playing with the likes of Ian Rush for Liverpool but perhaps the unrecognisable man at the Aston Villa helm is Kevin MacDonald of the Kids in the Hall Canadian comedy group," parps Ian Copestake. 56 min: It just gets better and better for Newcastle: occasional striker Emile Heskey is getting ready to come on for Villa. 58 min: Here comes Heskey. He replaces the disappointing Albrighton, so presumably Ashley Young will move back into midfield. Heskey was booed on to the pitch, but I can think of a few more deserving targets than him. At least he's got the excuse of not being very good. Oddly at Villa Park last week, the Villa fans were booing Robert Green and cheering their own England players. How does that one work? 59 min: Andy Carroll breaks down the left beyond the Villa defence and attempts to play the ball across for Routledge who would have had a clear run on goal. Unfortunately - or perhaps inexcusably - Carroll just underhits what really should have been a simple pass, allowing Dunne to slide in and divert the ball away for a corner. Barton takes it from the left, but it's not got the requisite curl on it and it floats away for a throw-in. 62 min: It's just far too simple for Newcastle to ghost in behind Villa's defence - it only takes the most mundane of through balls to slice them open. This time Kevin Nolan is the orchestrator, slipping a pass inside Stewart Downing who is unable to keep up with Routledge's burst. Yet you never quite felt confident that the ball would end up in the net, and that assumption is justified by the winger's tame finish straight at Friedel. He's no Theo Walcott. 64 min: Alan Smith has been booked somewhat harshly for a trip on Emile Heskey. 65 min: Villa make their second change of the game and it's not a particularly positive one, Nigel Reo Coker trotting on to replace the hapless John Carew, who has started this season with about as much menace as a sleeping baby. 67 min: "Booing England players is an odd pastime as surely it is easier to forget all that nonsense and fantasise about a new England midfield consisting of Scholes, Arteta and Danny Murphy," dreams on Ian Copestake. Yes, a remarkably slow England midfield at that, too. GOAL! Newcastle 4-0 Aston Villa (Andy Carroll, 67 min) And that, I would suggest, is that. Again Villa's defending is dreadful. It all started with a corner from Joey Barton that they were unable to clear properly and which led to a spot of head tennis outside the box. After a brief scramble, Williamson managed to turn the loose ball into the box and around 15 yards out, Carroll let the ball drop over his shoulder before firing a remarkably assured left-footed volley into the bottom corner in front of the Gallowgate End. Newcastle have a new number nine. 71 min: It's like 1996 never went away. 72 min: That was the first time I've noticed Stephen Ireland this afternoon as he breaks through from midfield, running on to Heskey's flick, but his ambitious shot from outside the area is easily blocked by Williamson. 73 min: Tom Bryant and Alan Gardner are bombarding me with emails to link to this story about Newcastle's new signing . As if they need a new signing! 75 min: So nearly the hat-trick for Carroll! Wayne Routeledge finally gets his delivery spot on, dropping the ball towards the far post and Nolan just manages to get the ball back to Carroll, waiting on the six-yard box, but his prodded shot is saved by a sprawling Friedel and hacked behind for a corner. 77 min: Alan Smith is off for Shola Ameobi and Ryan Taylor is on for the erratic Routledge. 78 min: Gutierrez has been exceptional today, tricky and direct, and is inches away from winning a penalty for Newcastle with another mazy dribble on the left that is illegally halted by Reo Coker just outside the area. Atkinson books Reo Coker and awards a free-kick, which Taylor curls a few yards wide of the far post. 81 min: Kevin Keegan's final straw and one-time pop sensation Xisco comes on for the excellent Gutierrez. 82 min: Ashley Young is cutting a very frustrated figure today. He barely looks interested, and has been flinging his arms up in disgust when things haven't gone his way or he's been denied free-kicks by Atkinson. I'm not sure whose fault he thinks it is that he can't get the ball past the first man at a free-kick. 84 min: Ireland has, from what I can discern, his second touch, and blazes the ball high over the bar, a shot that was quite possibly even worse than John Carew's awful, hilarious penalty. That's the cue for Villa fans to leave in droves. GOAL! Newcastle 5-0 Aston Villa (Kevin Nolan, 87 min) Where have we seen this scoreline before? Shola Ameobi managed to bundle his way through assorted Villa defenders with the mark of a man who wasn't quite sure what he was intending to do, before his shot was deflected behind for a corner. Barton took it from the left and Ameobi, at the far post, nodded the ball down for Nolan, who had a clutch of defenders around him, to swivel and hook the ball past an exposed Friedel. Villa have been a disgrace. 89 min: Ciaran Clark, who has endured a trying afternoon, is replaced by Habib Beye. Managers do make some pointless substitutions. 90 min: There will be three minutes of stoppage time. 90 min +1: I realise it's all ifs and buts but if John Carew hadn't blazed his penalty over when it was 0-0, Villa definitely wouldn't have lost this game 5-0. You can't argue with that. GOAL! Newcastle 6-0 Absolute Shower (Andy Carroll, 90 min +3) 6-0 is so in vogue right now. What an afternoon for Andy Carroll, who's completed his hat-trick in front of the Gallowgate End. He's got Xisco to thank for a sublime assist. The Spanish striker collected a long ball and turned away from Luke Young, before caressing the ball beyond the hapless Stephen Warnock - it looked like Carroll's first touch would lose him the chance and allow Warnock to recover, but quick as you like he opened up his body and stroked the ball past Friedel with his left foot and into the bottom corner. What a calm finish. What an exciting prospect. What an afternoon for Newcastle. Peep! Peep! Peep! Martin Atkinson puts Villa out of their misery. Full-time: Just like West Ham yesterday, Aston Villa paid for missing a penalty when the game was level before their defence seemingly channelled the spirit of John Terry faced with Miroslav Klose. Newcastle, after a shaky start in which it seemed they would be blown away, found their feet and responded in brilliant fashion. Joey Barton, Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll, their goalscorers, were all fantastic but it was a wonderful team effort. Thanks for all your emails and sorry I couldn't use them all. Bye!