Pass notes No 2,816: the British bobby

Age: 181 years. Appearance: Very rare, these days. Too terrified to leave the station, are they? No, that's not it. Because I read something the other day about crime reaching record levels. That was record low levels. And they're not scared, just busy. I see. New book of Sudokus come out, has it? Yes – if by "Sudokus" you mean "red tape". I don't. Oh, well, no then. But they did get 2,900 pages of official guidance last year. And apparently they've got so much admin to deal with that only 11% of police and community support officers are "visibly available" at any given moment. Of those, just 13% are actually walking the beat. So just 1.43% of total police time is spent being a traditional bobby then? If your maths is right, and you believe the chief-inspector of constabulary, Sir Denis O'Connor, yes. Did he mention what percentage of the police, at any given time, are ruffling a naughty schoolboy's hair? He didn't. But my sardonic question does pierce the cosy nostalgia that surrounds the notion of the British bobby, doesn't it? If you say so. Apple scrumpers, Dixon of Dock Green, public hanging, move along now or I'll box your ears . . . Yes, all that stuff. People can't get enough of it. The "bobby" has been a popular part of this country's identity since the creation of the Metropolitan police of London by the reformist Tory home secretary Sir Robert Peel, in 1829. Are you reading that from somewhere? No, it's just how I talk. Peel is also credited with the creation of the Tamworth pig, and his opposition to Catholic emancipation earned him the slightly amusing nickname "Orange Peel". And your point is? Sir Denis thinks the visibility of the British bobby could be "seriously threatened" if some police forces don't reorganise themselves. I blame the decline of afternoon tea. That's where the rot set in. No – the rot sets in next year with the cuts. Sir Denis is just ahead of the curve. Do say "How do we put more police on the streets?" Don't say "Take away their horses."