Digested opera: The Pearl Fishers

Act 1: A wild beach in Ceylon Chorus: Happy little pearl fishers are we / Diving in and out of the waves / Because the French love exotic locations / And Ceylon is a long way away. Zurga: How now dear friends! / Enough of being decoratively exotic / It is time to elect a leader. Chorus: It is you we want / Beloved Zurga. Zurga: Gosh, fancy that! / Who would have thought it? Chorus: That's nice / Oh look someone else is coming! / We wonder who it is. Zurga: Is it you Nadir? / You of the unfortunate name / But one so apt for one of the worst / Librettos ever written. Nadir: Yes, it is I, Nadir / Your former friend / Many years have I been wandering around the jungle / Killing tigers and elephants / And other exotically wild animals. The Chorus: How about parrots / And the endangered rusty-spotted cat? Nadir: Yes, them too. Zurga: It is good that Brahma / Brings us back together / And that we can forget / That we both had a crush / On the same Asian Babe. Nadir: Too right, mate / She may have been top totty / But nothing can replace / A male friendship / Big boy. Zurga and Nadir: Now is the time for / Our big duet / The only reason / This opera remains in the repertoire / So let's sing out loud / In front of the crowd / About how neither of us loves the girl / As much as we love each other. Chorus: Oh look / A mystery exotic woman has just turned up / We wonder who on earth / She can be / But we will be nice to her / Anyway. Zurga: You look like a virgin / And if you stay that way / You'll get a big pearl. Leila: That sounds like / A good deal. Zurga: But if you put it about / A bit / You will be killed. Nadir: That sounds / Bad. Leila, recognising Nadir: Ah, it is he / What a coincidence! Zurga: Don't go all / Wobbly on me. Leila: No, I will stay / In the temple / To be a goddess. (They all leave except Nadir.) Nadir: My heart is pounding / At the shock of seeing / Leila / Whom I didn't think I'd see again / Which is why / I didn't tell Zurga that I once / Sneakily tried to date her / Behind his back / But now the exotic tropical night / Is bewitching me / And I need to kip. ( He sleeps. ) Chorus: It's time for us / To do some exotic praying / To fair Siva. Leila: Yes I am a bit of a goddess / Though I'm not very modest / But even a virgin / Has feminine urgings. Nadir: It's you / I can't help myself / I know I said that stuff to Zurga / But I had my fingers / Crossed. Leila: I adore you / Come to me. Nadir: Have no fear / I am here. Act II: A ruined exotic temple Leila: I lie alone and dream / About Nadir's chunky biceps. Nourabad, the high priest: I hope you are not having / Dirty thoughts / And that you are still / A virgin. Leila: Of course / I am. Nadir: I've come for you / I can't resist you. Leila: You must go / For I have promised. Nadir: Too bad / I've got to have you. Leila: Oh all right then / But don't be long. Chorus: Oh dearie me / Something bad / Is happening / In the jungle / And in the heavens. Nourabad: You have both been / Extremely wicked / So I am going / To kill you. Zurga: Not so fast / Hard Man / It is I who gets to decide / Who gets whacked. (Nourabad takes off Leila's veil.) Blimey / It's you / Sod the pair of you / You're both brown bread. Everyone: This seems like a good time / To pray to Brahma / And do other / Exotic stuff. Act III: An Indian tent Zurga: Now that I've had / A bit of time / To think about it / It seems I may have been / A bit hasty in sentencing / My friend to death / As I'm full / Of remorse. Leila: Don't kill Nadir / Nothing is his fault / Even if it is. Zurga: Oh joy / Big Boy has been true / To me. Leila: But you should know / I love him. Zurga: That is enough / To send me into a jealous rage / Once more / So sod it / You both can die. Leila: That's so unfair / You're so cruel. Nourabad: Phew, I'm pleased about that / For a moment I thought / You were about / To let them go / And I would miss out / On an exotic sacrifice. Leila: Spare Nadir / Just kill me. Nadir: Spare Leila / Just kill me. Nourabad: No. Leila and Nadir: Then we are / Ready to die together / On these sun-drenched / Sun-kissed shores / Where one day / Loads of people / Will come / For their hols. Nourabad: The time has come … Zurga: Not so fast … / Leila, I have conveniently just remembered / That you once saved my life / So make a run for it / Both of you. Leila and Nadir: Oh joy of joys! / We will be together / For ever / And how quickly / We seem to have forgotten / Our good mate / Zurga. Zurga: I have done my duty / Love is gone for me / And now / I expect / Nourabad / Will top me. Chorus: The palms are swaying / The beaches are clean / Come on in / The water's lovely.