England v Australia - as it happened | Andy Bull

Hello . My name is Andy Bull and I have a problem. It started a few years back. I was curious. I wanted to dabble. I'd seen other people doing it and I wanted to try for myself. Of course I got addicted. I've come to hate myself for it. I hate the habit and I hate my weakness for not being able to break free from it. I do it in bed, and I do it in the living room, and in the kitchen and in the shower. Hell sometimes I even do it on the move, out and about around the city. I've done it at work too. I've got my girlfriend started on it. I'm a reprehensible human being. I m addicted to radio 5Live. This morning was a new nadir. When you wake up and listen to the radio phone-in with Nicky Campbell, every day feels like a new nadir. But that 1-0 win against a country with a population of a little over 2 million seems to have driven the country, or at least the part of it that listens to 5Live, to unfathomed depths of collective idiocy. Combine that with the upcoming match against Germany and, well... you could well be forgiven for wanting an escape from the football. Well you have come to the right place. The last time England were this good at one-day cricket they had Dougie Brown in the team. Not to mention Matthew Flemming. And Graham Lloyd. No, really. If England win today they will have gone seven games unbeaten, their hottest winning streak since they beat Australia in 1997 and then waltzed through to that tinpot title in Sharjah in 1998. They then lost their next six matches in a row. Australia have won the toss and chosen to bat first. They have also dropped Ryan Harris to bring in leg-spinner Steve Smith, formerly of Sevenoaks Vine CC and Surrey second XI. You can read all about Smith here in this piece wot I wrote in the World Twenty20. In truth he is almost better bat than he is bowler, so any talk of him being the new Warne is grossly premature. They have also dropped the young 'un Josh Hazlewood to bring in Clint Mckay. Which ios a good thing. Cricket can only benefit from haqving men called Clint hanging around. They look like this: SR Watson, TD Paine, RT Ponting, MJ Clarke, MEK Hussey, CL White, JR Hopes, SPD Smith, NM Hauritz, JR Hazlewood, CJ McKay. England are unchanged . I'm late. The match has started. Excuse me if I hurry on to the first over. 1st over: Australia 13-0 (Watson 13, Paine 0) Guess which Jimmy Anderson got out of bed today? His first ball is a half volley which Watson wallops through extra cover, his third was slapped down through long-off and his fifth flicked through mid-wicket. All o fhtm raced away for four. Just to rub it in, Watson turns a single around the corner to fine leg from the final ball to keep the strike. 2nd over: Australia 21-0 (Watson 21, Paine 0) "5live is better for you than smoking," says Kat Petersen. "Possibly. (Have you given up yet?)" You know, I'm thinking about it. I really am. I left my cigarettes at home today, thinking it would stop me smoking in the brief breaks I get away from my desk this afternoon. But to be honest I came into the office, saw the state of Scott Murray and Paul Doyle here on the writers' desk, stared at my computer, sat in my seat, and thought about this OBO, and then walked over to Barry Glendenning to ponce a fag off him. Compared to Anderson, Bresnan has made a good start here, giving up just the one four and a couple of couples to long leg. Kat, by the way, is doing 10km for Cancer Research and you can sponsor her here . Go on then. What are you waiting for? 3rd over: Australia 26-0 (Watson 26, Paine 5) Whisper this but I actually love watching Watson play, muscle-bound meathead as he may be. He is a brute of a batsman, all power and no panache, but his cover drive still has an awesome force to it. Nigel Short tells a story about playing random chess online against an anonymous opponent, who, Short became increasingly convinced, was actually Bobby Fischer. Fischer was awol in Eastern Europe at the time, so this was a big deal. 'How did you know it was Fischer?' Kasparov was asked. "His moves," Short replied, "he made moves of awesome power." Watching Watson's cover drive gives me a small tingle of a similar feeling. Anyway, Paine was on strike in this over, and his first scoriung shot was a four through cover. 4th over: Australia 30-0 (Watson 21, Paine 9) Here's Anthony Pease: "Well, Andy. Look on the bright side. You're a better man than Nicky Campbell. It's not as if your day job consists of giving The Great Unwashed a platform from which to spout their ill-informed thoughts, all the while dying a little inside, knowing that this—this—is the ultimate product of those years at University. Eh? Oh." Campbell used to write for Guardian Sport. I'm sure he once wrote a column saying that it was OK to take the piss out of Germans about the second world war, and that he had once given a Hitler salute to a bossy man he had met in an airport queue in Berlin, and that this was really funny, but the German had failed to see that, because like all Germans he had no sense of humour. Thing is, I say I am sure he wrote it, but I've never been able to find a copy of the article to prove it. And I've looked a lot. So now I wonder if the whole thing was just a bizarre / sick dream. Which, given that I sometimes fall asleep listening to 5Live, seems all too possible. Paine whacks four over long-off. A comtemptuous shot. Bresnan bites back by forcing an edge towards cover from the next ball. 5th over: Australia 34-0 (Watson 25, Paine 9) Watson slices four through the empty slips, much to Anderson's chagrin. "In the project room where I am working I have put up a picture of Eoin Morgan and underneath written 'The Ice Man cometh....'." says Stuart Wilson, "The long term prospect of The Ice Man playing for England is far, far more exciting to me than the short term titillation of the very unlikely thought of England lifting the world cup in South Africa." Honestly, I think that's really quite a weird thing to do. 6th over: Australia 36-0 (Watson 26, Paine 10) Just two singles from Bresnan's latest over, and one of those was another edge through slip by Watson. On the subject of whom, here's David Britton: "Couldn't agree more about Watson, spent the winter in Australia and watching him flay the Windies and Pakistan all round the park was incredible. For someone who comes across as such a pillock when bowling one still felt rather for him when he consistently got himself out in the 90s. (While laughing uncontrollably on the inside too obviously!)" 7th over: Australia 41-0 (Watson 27, Paine 14) Anderson (3-0-22-0) is hauled out of the attack and Stuart Broad comes in to take his place. Watson steers one to third man, and then Paine cracks four more away square to the off. He's a dapper little batsman this fella. 8th over: Australia 44-0 (Watson 30, Paine 14) "Got my hair cut last night… in New Jersey," writes John Sims. Funnily enough I did that myself this morning. Not in New Jersey though, obviously, (well duhh). Did she cut it too short too short? Why do they always insist on cutting it too short? And why can I never summon up the pluck to tell her that I think she has cut it too short? Why do I always just nod and say 'yeah, that's fine, lovely' while inside I am cursing her furiously. Anyway, you were saying: "The lovely assistant manager talked my ears off the whole time; before I passed out I think I remember she said she had cousins in Birmingham. I was just un-comatose enough to mention my sister lived there too. Anyway, this all relevant because "to ponce a fag off him" (over 2) wouldn't work over here. Nor does explaining following the cricket on the OBO. However, they're all "soccer" fans now." Another good, tight over from Bresnan. 9th over: Australia 49-0 (Watson 34, Paine 15) If I have seemed a little distracted these last few overs it's because I've resumed my search for that Campbell quote. And well huzzah! I'm not entirely bonkers after all . Here it is: "I went to Cologne recently for a radio broadcast and the producer rang me an hour after I had landed to ask where I was. I responded "hiding in the attic". It's not big or clever but it's involuntary. In Sydney a few years back a bolshie character barged me out of the way in an airport queue. I mildly remonstrated and the gentleman, a German, began ranting. Weary after a 23-hour flight, I offered him a straight arm and finger moustache and he tried to have me arrested. How the FA expects thousands of high-spirited England fans with a load of lager down the funnel to quell these instincts I don't know. War jokes are irresistible because Germans don't find them remotely funny, and there is something deliciously British about making a joke about people who don't get the joke." Oh my. What a man. 10th over: Australia 51-0 (Watson 34, Paine 15) Bresnan bangs a length ball up off the pitch and into Paine's bottom hand. Ouch. "Sorry to hear that you think that my adoration of a true 'English' hero is a little strange," syas Stuart Wilson. "To put it in to context, my project room also contains two South Africans and it is very nice to celebrate an England win without the normal cries of 'SA 2nd team' etc. Besides, I expect that Smyth has far more strange and worrying things pinned up on the wall of his shed." The mind boggles. WICKET! Paine 16 c Kieswetter b Broad (Australia 56-1) Paine goes, making a mess of an inoffensive legside-bound delivery from Broad and feathering it through behind to the 'keeper. If he'd left it alone it would have been a wide. That's Broad's 100th ODI wicket. He's the youngest Englishman to reach that mark. Here's Old Man Ponting, who just keeps rolling, just keeps rolling along. And there he goes, striding out to meet a full, wide delivery from Broad and forcing it through cover for two. Word has come through from the ECB that Mike Yardy has been awarded an incremental contract , which is the modern equivalent of an old fashioned pat on the back. 12th over: Australia 60-1 (Watson 36, Ponting 8) That's a jaffa from Bresnan, who is bowling quite beautifully now. He cuts one back over the top of Ponting's off-stump, and then seams the next away from the outside edge. He offers up a shorter ball, inviting Ponting to pull. England have two men in the mid-ground for the shot, so they clearly think Ponting has a weakness here. He may do: the ball flies away in the air, but bisects the two lurking fielders. More bounce from Bresnan, the ball rearing up and clattering into Ponting's bat handle. 13th over: Australia 64-1 (Watson 37, Ponting 11) Broad also looks like he has had a close encounter with a hairdresser, his locks trimmed tright back into a tight little quiff. He drops in another short ball and again Ponting pulls in the air. And again the ball evades the fielders. 14th over: Australia 66-1 (Watson 37, Ponting 13) Here's Luke Wright. And here's Colin Coyle: "I used to be addicted to 5live when i was in Uni in Cheltenham. Up All Night was the perfect accompaniment to late night dissertation writing. Funnily enough, 8 years on and I'm addicted to Guardian.co.uk now. I still listen to 5live on Sundays but I have a feeling I'll end up seeking my up all night fix come the late summer nights when my submission date looms large on the horizon like an Eoin Morgan century. Speaking of the Ice Man, it's wonderful to see him playing so well. I say this as an Irish man that saw Ireland almost take it to the Australians, had only the middle order been able to hold fast with Porterfield, Stirling and Cusack. Was a great day of cricket mind, but an Irish cricket fan can only dream of how an Ice Man such as Morgan would influence Ireland's game. That said, one must consider, would Morgan be as good if he hadn't been taken under the ECB high performance wing, would county cricket be enough to nurture and propel such a talent into the echelons of world cricket? That's the conundrum we think about while we consider the next bunch of Irish cricketing youth. What do you think?" Actually Colin, having spoken to a lot of the county academy chiefs about this very topic, the reason they like Irish players so much is because they get so much exposure to top-level international cricket at such a young age. Stirling, for example, has played in a Twenty20 world cup. An English lad of the same age and ability would never come close to getting that opportunity. Same goes for George Dockrell. WICKET! Ponting 13 c Kieswetter b Broad (15th over: Australia 67-2) Got him! Ponting goes, playing away from his body at a ball that bounced and moved away. He could only edge it behind. Is the old master starting to lose his touch? Here's the man waiting to step into his shoes, Michael Clarke. Broad welcomes him to the creaseby whanging down a bouncer. 16th over: Australia 75-2 (Watson 46, Clarke 0) Watson has been very quiet these last ten overs. He raced to 26 off 19 balls, but hasn't seen much of the strike of late. He only faced four deliveries in that entire five-over powerplay. He is still scoring at a run a ball though, and has just carted Wright for two fours through the leg side. One was a neat clip to mid-wicket, the other was an ugly glove to fine leg. "I've dabbled in Nicky Campbell's 5live phone-in," admits Martin Quinn, "but had to stop because the consistently stupid (ie different to my own) opinions just made me angry. However, there were some fabulous quotes, such as the chap who though that the Archbishop of Canterbury's prediction that Sharia law would come into being in the UK 'would have Jesus spinning in his grave'. Magic." 17th over: Australia 77-2 (Watson 46, Clarke 2) "On the nature of anti-German jokes, I am half German and half English" says Lawrie Jones, "and therefore find both sides funny. It also means I hate myself. One thing I think we are all unified in is a hatred for Australian's who have neither the intellectual capacity of the English or the ruthless efficiency of the Germans." What was it Anthony Pease was saying about my job back in the fourth over? Clarke screws a top-edge into the empty spaces of the leg side. Not that there are many spaces. England have five men on that side of the wicket, and are planning to pepper Clarke with short balls. I sense David Saker's hand in all this... hold on: WICKET! Clarke 1 c Swann b Broad (Australia 77-3) Broad has another one! His third. I love it when a plan comes together. It was another bouncer and Clarke rose up on his toes and thrust his bat at it. He lost control and the edge spat away to short leg, where Swann took the catch. Somewhere in heaven George Peppard is grinning at a camera with cigar stub clenched between his teeth . As I was saying, I sense David Saker's hand in all this. England's new bowling coach is supposed to be forensic in his analysis of the batsmen, and having played and coached in Australia for so long he must know these players inside out. England's plans of attack to both Ponting and Clarke have been clear and consistent. And credit to Broad, of course, for executing them so well. 18th over: Australia 80-3 (Watson 49 White 1) Wright races through his over, sneaking in six cheap balls while White is bedding in. 19th over: Australia 86-3 (Watson 54 White 1) Watson raises his fifty with a single to third man. He flicks four more down the same way later in the over, so Broad gets what my MBM colleagues would call his 'battle fever' on and thunders down a vicious bouncer. Watson bends over backwards to get out of the way. 20th over: Australia 91-3 (Watson 56 White 4) WICKET! A great catch by Kieswetter, diving across to his right to pouch a thin edge from White. The only problem is, it was a no ball from Wright. Not just any no ball, but a massive one. By almost a foot. Bizarrely Graeme Swann walks off the field and sits on the boundary edge for the free hit. So England only have ten men on the field when Wright bowls the next ball. Swann doesn't fancy being clattered by the free hit, which is understandable I suppose given that it wouldn't mean anything if he did catch it. And of course you are not allowed to change the field for a no ball, so Swann couldn't just drop back to the outfield. In the end White makes amess of it anyway, toe-ending a pull away square for a single. 21st over: Australia 93-3 (Watson 57 White 5) Yardy comes into the attack. I feel Yardy need the kind of nickname we used to give to out kings, like Ethelred the Unready and William the Bastard. Yardy the Unlikely. His first six darts cost just two runs. WICKET! Watson 57 c Kieswetter b Wright (Australia 94-4) Whisper it, but this match is looking pretty one-sided. Seems we can all indulge in a little of the patronising chat we treated the Bangladeshis too earlier in the summer - these batsmen just don't have the technique to play the short ball. We should give them some games against County teams to let them practice because judging by what we have seen so far it seems safe to conclude that this Aussie team don't like it up 'em. Wright fires down another short ball, and Watson scuffs a pull high into the air. Kieswetter runs around from behind the stumps and leaps to take the catch. England have certainly cottoned on to the best way to bowl on this bouncy pitch. 23rd over: Australia 97-4 (White 7 Hussey 2) This is all massively hubristic of course. Australia's two best batsmen from the World Twenty20 are now together at the wicket, and they could easily turn this innings around. 24th over: Australia 101-4 (White 7 Hussey 6) Hussey threads four through extra cover, the ball easily beating Yardy's lame attempt to cut it off. If you'll excuse us, Colin Coyle and I are going to continue chatting about Irish cricket. "Interesting that," he says, "Many people realise that the Counties consider Irish cricket a 'nursery' for emerging talent for the reasons you outlined. It's a problem for Irish cricket. I'm encouraged by the news that Ed Joyce will be back with us soon (subject to international clearance), many consider that a ruling allowing Joyce to return for Ireland will have substantial ramifications for Ireland. Evidently, some will slip through the net (Morgan) but I think it's in our players best interest to get into a County cricket envrionment where they can play day in, day out in financial security with a strong coaching structure. Stirling & Porterfield are accomplished cricketers mostly due to their presence with the counties allowing them to live the dream. Anyone county fancy the signature of Dockrell then?" There are plenty of Irishmen over here, eight at the last count. Hampshire have an agreement with Cricket Ireland that they get first dibs on all Irish players in return for lending their coaches to the Irish domestic set-up. I had heard that Warwickshire were going to come in for Dockrell, but nothing seems to have come of that. You are also going to get Hamish Marshall (the old Kiwi Test batsman) as a player/coach. He has an Irish passport, and should be available for the next world cup. 25th over: Australia 107-4 (White 12 Hussey 7) Here's Rory Yeomans, quoting back an email from a few overs back: "On the nature of anti-German jokes, I am half German and half English" says Lawrie Jones, "and therefore find both sides funny. It also means I hate myself. One thing I think we are all unified in is a hatred for Australian's who have neither the intellectual capacity of the English or the ruthless efficiency of the Germans." "Although, presumably," Rory points out, "at least some "Australian's" would know how to use apostrophes properly. Nothing like that formidable "English intellectual capacity", eh? 26th over: Australia 110-4 (White 13 Hussey 8) Anderson is back into the attack now. He opens with a wide but soon fixes his line on Hussey's off stump. This is the email of the day so far, from Tom v d Gucht: "Rob Smyth described this series as being the filling of an Aussie / England sandwich, with the twenty20 and upcoming Ashes series as the bread. It got me thinking, and I came to the conclusion that the twenty20 world cup win was a pre dinner Gin and tonic, fun and frivolous, this ODI series is a prawn cocktail starter, you didn't really want it but now its here you may as well scoff it down and an enjoy it as much as possible, and the Ashes series is an enormous and delicious calzone pizza crammed with all sorts of exciting tasty treats that you slowly tuck into and savour every mouthful. Obviously this analogy involves eating at a local Italian restaurant circa 1986, but that doesn't affect its relevance. Perhaps the commonwealth bank ODI series scheduled after the Ashes could be the pudding, you feel bloated and really can't face it unless your main course wasn't as nice as you'd hoped (i.e. England get thumped) in which case a tasty desert takes away some of the disappointed and lets you go home on a high." 27th over: Australia 112-4 (White 15 Hussey 10) Swann is on now, making it a double change from Strauss. He's keen to press his foot down on the Australians' throats. Hussey and White are too sensible to do anything rash, and settle for a string of singles. Swann does roar out an LBW appeal, but White had shuffled across outside the line. 28th over: Australia 117-4 (White 15 Hussey 13) "I've just had the misfortune to catch a few games of that tennis match " says Anthony Pease, "My experience spent watching white-clad figures pulling various faces as balls whistle past them seemingly without reason or end, all the time wondering why it's going on so long, why the crowd are clapping when they are, and how come the commentators seem so excited about it makes me wonder if this is how an American would feel watching their first Test match." I've been at Wimbledon for all the three previous days (if anyone was wondering why there was no Spin this week, there's your answer), and that match was one of the most bizarrely fascinating pieces of sport I've ever seen. I assumed it would all be over in ten minutes this morning, but it appears not... WICKET! Hussey 14 b Anderson (Australia 118-5) That's brilliant! Far too good for Hussey, brilliant player though he is. Is there a better sound in sport than that of an Australian batsman's wicket being crashed to the turf? Anderson's delivery was full and on middle, Hussey threw a drive but the ball came back in just enough to beat the inside edge and knock over the stumps. Here's Steve Smith then, Sevenoak's finest. He could have played for England, but decided against it. And frankly, who can blame him. He hit four centuries in the Sheffield Shield last year. Here, he blocks out the rest of the over so Anderson has a wicket-maiden. 31st over: Australia 121-5 (White 17 Smith 1) Yardy returns. bowling around the wicket to Smith. "A better sound in sport?" asks Kat Petersen, "Germans sobbing after England go through by penalties on Sunday?" 32nd over: Australia 128-5 (White 19 Smith 6) That's a glorious shot from Smith, a straight drive that whistled back past Anderson and ran away for four down the ground. 33rd over: Australia 135-5 (White 25 Smith 7) That tennis match is finally over : 70-68. Oh, and Italy are about to be knocked out of the world cup. I'll understand if you want to pop off to another part of the site for a moment or two. I hope you'll understand why I failed to watch this over. 34th over: Australia 141-5 (White 31 Smith 7) White slaps Swann for six over towards cow corner. 35th over: Australia 148-5 (White 35 Smith 10) Bresnan comes back into the attack, and even as I am about tp type that Australia are happy to settle for a scattering of singles, White wallops a vicious cut for four through cover. 36th over: Australia 155-5 (White 35 Smith 16) Smith drops on to one knee and smears a sweep away for four through long leg. 37th over: Australia 156-5 (White 36 Smith 17) Smith swings and misses with a wild pull shot, looking every bit as ragged as John Isner did late last night. It's a good, tight over from Bresnan. 38th over: Australia 160-5 (White 38 Smith 19) Wright is back, as Strauss continues to fiddle with his attack. Wright's speed is down around 78mph, and his line is a littlw wonky as well, drifting over towards leg stump. White and Smith are lenient on him though, and settle for singles. Again Smith decides to end the over with a huge heave towards the leg side, and again he doesn't come close to making contact. "Can I suggest you get back to watching and reporting on the cricket," says Mike Curtis. You can Mike, yes, but there's no reason at all to think I'll listen to you. Especially given that the game has become so becalmed. 39th over: Australia 162-5 (White 39 Smith 20) Yardy speeds through his latest over, his pace is up around 60mph. Only the two singles from this over. "You seem to be avoiding discussing whether or not Shane Watson's haircut is a mullet or not," says Matthew Valentine, "Come on, you've standards to maintain." In cricket, all talk of mullets begins and ends with Michael Vaughan . 40th over: Australia 169-5 (White 45 Smith 21) These batsmane know they have to attack somebody, and they have decided to target Luke Wright. Understandably enough. White lofts four up and over square leg, and then tries to flay the ball through cover as well. He doesn't quite connect with the second shot, so it gets him only two. 41st over: Australia 173-5 (White 47 Smith 23) More hustle and bustle from Yardy, who seems to be getting faster with each over he bowls. His bolwing speed is up above 63mph now. Four singles is all Australia get, and that's not going to get it done. 42nd over: Australia 177-5 (White 49 Smith 25) But four is all they take from this over too. Wright has reined himself in, and keeps his bowling full and straight. White and Smith work him this way and that. 43rd over: Australia 182-5 (White 50 Smith 29) White raises his fifty, from 72 balls, but doesn't bother celebrating much. He nods his bat at his teammates. This match is going to come down to the batting powerplay, which Australia will surely take any moment now. "Is it just me or does England's one day kit change with every game?" asks Dominic Papineay, "I like how in the photo it looks like Stuart Broad's sweat is radioactive." Yeah. If you were a cynic you could think that the ECB's constant tinkering with the uniforms is an attempt to flog a few more replica kits. If you were a cynic. 44th over: Australia 190-5 (White 55 Smith 32) And here is the powerplay. Smith forces two out to cover, and then pulls one of Broad's special slower bouncers out to leg. White then swings and misses at a short ball, and curses himself for missing out on such a simple scoring opportunity. He does not repeat the mistake, and collars the next delivery over point for four. "That's very unfair on Vaughan," says Graham Fowles, "He was clearly in a world of pain during the period when that photo was taken. A mullet could have happened to anyone in that situation." You're quite right. There but for the grace of God and all that. And of course it could have been hereditary. 45th over: Australia 200-5 (White 57 Smith 40) Anderson gets the job of trying to keep Australia quiet at the other end. His first ball is a yorker, which White squeezes away. Smith bolts down ther track for a quick single, and collides with Anderson who is trying to field the ball. They get all tangled up before Smith makes his ground again. Three singles follow from the next three balls, all of which were full if not straight. Anderson then tires a slower ball, which Smith somehow falls face forward and biffs away square for four as he does so. That was an extraordinary shot. Not that you could really call it a shot. It was more of an accident. The final ball goes for three, which raises Australia's 200. 46th over: Australia 202-5 (White 57 Smith 40) A lonely trumpet rings the Rocky theme out around the Swalec stadium. It seems to have done the trick because it is soon overwhelmed by the PA playing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, by way of tribute to Steve Smith's wicket. WICKET! Smith 41 c Collingwood b Broad (Australia 202-6) Smith back away to leg, moving at least two foot from his guard, and scoops a leading edge up to cover. He was trying to play leg-side. A slapstick end to a skittish innings. 47th over: Australia 210-6 (White 61 Hopes 5) Hopes is in now, and he could a be adangerous hitter in these late overs. And so it goes - he thwacks his first ball for four through cover. "No no no. Lets not have the sympathy for Vaughan," says Michael Hunt, "The man went to actual doctors to create that monstrosity. One doesn't sympathise with Katie Price for the size of her chest, throw in an ITV2 show or two and it's exactly the same thing." To be fair to Vaughan I think the mullet predated his trip to the Advanced Hair Studio by a year or so. If you want to blame AHS for anything, look to the curious spiky red-coloured gel-sodden thatch that Vaughan sports these days. 48th over: Australia 214-6 (White 64 Hopes 5) England appeal for a catch behind off a wayward hook shot from White, but the umpire is unconvinced. "I'm half-German too," confesses Anthony Bradley, "I fell out a bit with my Mum (the German one) when Gazza cried in 1990 and she said he deserved to be booked. They have a ruthless streak, those Germans. A slow thaw in relations ensued, and OBO readers will be relieved to know that when I visit now, she doesn't refuse to do my washing any more." Australia hustle a second run out of a push to mid-field, the batsman beating Anderson's return throw homw by a split-second and no more. A single from the sixth ball and that's the end of the power play. Australia made only 33 from it, and after that I'd say England are now firm favourites to win this match. On his 24th birthday, Broad finishes with figures of 10-0-44-4. 49th over: Australia 226-6 (White 73 Hopes 8) "Talking of haircuts," is a fine way for Phil Sawyer to begin an email as this match enters the crucial final overs, "you seemed to be modeling a tribute to Jack Nance's memorable barnet in Eraserhead in those snaps Selvey provided from your Caribbean adventures. Incidentally, I rather liked the odd couple relationship that seemed to be developing between you and Selves. Surely the next step is some sort of travelogue programme, perhaps hunting out obscure cricket teams in Eastern Europe. It's got to be a better pairing than James May and Oz bloody Clarke." Yeah. because that's exactly the kind of well-thought-out project that could turn the Guardian's crippling financial losses around. It could be our Heaven's Gate . Four singles, and then White collars Anderson's penultimate delivery, whacking it for six over wide long-on. It wasn't too tough to do mind. The ball was a waist-high full toss. 50th over: Australia 238-6 (White 84 Hopes 8) Bresnan gets the last over. White steps on the pedal as approaches the line. He chips two to long-off, and then crashes four down the ground. Four more follow, through backward square. A great end to a good innings here. England tinker with the field, and Bresnan then bungs down an overhead wide. And here is the big dog, Selvey: "Never mind mullets, its all about syrups these days. that thing on Boug 'the rug ' Bollinger's head is hilarious, like a medieval merkin has been plonked there. Actually not medieval, more a seventeenth century accessory from Ye Olde Anne Summers Shoppe." WICKET! Hopes 8 run out (Australia 238-7) Hopes is run out from the penultimate ball, and the innings finishes with a single. England will need 240 to win . Well White dug his side out of trouble there. That little flurry of runs at the end has just tilted the balance back towards a more even keel, but on current form I still facny England to make that score. Goodness. Such presumption. A few months ago that would have seemed a ludicrous sentiment. But it seems Goldenhair Gower agrees with me: "England are firm favourites to win it", he says. I'm off to beg for my dinner, but I'll be back soon. INNINGS BREAK Well Australia are out on the field, not so much in a huddle as standing around in a circle with their heads down and their hands on their hips. And here comes Kieswetter , windmilling his bat around his head. Strauss sprints onto the field up to the wicket, where Doug Bollinger is marking out his run. He stops to shake hands with the umpire, the toadying little so-and-so. "240 runs on this pitch should not be difficult," says Mikey Holding. 1st over: England 11-0 (Strauss 1 Kieswetter 8) need 240 Strauss pats the first ball out to square leg for a single, but all the confidence that start engenders is dispelled by the second ball, which swings back in to hit Kieswetter high on his pads. Australia appeal, but if anything the ball was doing too much. Bollinger flings his next ball wide down the off, as he does his fourth. The fifth delivery though snicks off the inside edge and shoots to fine leg for four. Pleased with his Chinese cut, Kieswetter then shows he can do it the other way as well, and snicks an outside edge past slip for four more. What a strange over: two wides, two edges for four, and one LBW appeal. 2nd over: England 23-0 (Strauss 9 Kieswetter 8) need 240 Clint McKay takes the new ball at the other end. This is the first time I've seen this fellow bowl. And what an impression he has made: his first delivery is a no ball so bad that it would only have made sense if he was wearing clown shoes. Strauss then dispatches the free hit for six down the ground. McKay follows up with, umm, another no ball, though this one was much tighter. This time Strauss thrashes the free hit over wide long-off for four more. Ponting frowns and decides to pull out his second slip. Chicken. WICKET! Kieswetter 8 c Paine b Bollinger (2nd over: England 23-1 need 240) Kieswetter's bafflingly cack innings ends with an edge through to the keeper. He came striding down the wicket and tried to hit the ball to cover. Bollinger celebrated like a small boy who has just unwrapped the gift he has been dreaming of getting on Christmas day, leaping into the air and shouting 'yeahhhh!' Pietersen is welcomed to the wicket with a wicked bouncer, which Kevin sways away from. He sprints a sharp single from the sixth. 3rd over: England 31-1 (Strauss 15 Pietersen 4) need 240 Ponting will persist with McKay then. Pietersen stands up tall and slices a drive away through extra cover for three. McKay is bowling like a prize chump. He must be suffering from a few nerves. His next delivery is a half volley on leg stump, and Strauss flicks four more away square. 4th over: England 33-1 (Strauss 16 Pietersen 5) need 240 Bollinger pitches up a nasty yorker, but Strauss is in fine touch and he drops his bat to pat it away square for a single. 5th over: England 36-1 (Strauss 19 Pietersen 5) need 240 McKay's latest offering is a long-hop, which Strauss cuts down to deep backward point. The only other seam bowlers Ponting has to use here are Hopes and Watson, neither of whom are going to be causing England too many worries. I do wonder why Cameron White never bowls any more. He was never all that much cop, admittedly, but he seems to have completely given up on the idea. Time was not so long ago when he was picked as the first choice spinner for a Test tour of India. If he had only kept it up he could surely have become a competent second spinner in the one-day side. As it is, Australia are shoe-horning Hauritz and Smith into the same team, leaving them short of fast bowling. In fact, given that they also have Michael Clarke's slow left arm, the selectio gets stranger the more I think about it. 6th over: England 47-1 (Strauss 26 Pietersen 9) need 240 A second six for Strauss, this one altogether less convincing than the last. It was a top edge which flew over Paine's head and away to the rope in front of the sight screen. He has now hit as many sixes in this knock as he managed in the entirety of his last 20 ODI innings. A single puts Pietersen on strike, and he forces four away over the head of point. 7th over: England 52-1 (Strauss 26 Pietersen 13) need 240 "Shane Warne has just said on twitter that this is a decent total," points out Niall Smith, "Pitch is low, slow and takes spin apparently. Despite his picture making him look like a member of the cast of eldorado, that man still scares me." Yes, but then three hours ago Warne tweeted this: "What's the score at Cardiff in the cricket ?? Who's doing what ??" which suggests that he may not be in the best position righ now to be making judgements about the course this match is going to take. Pietersen pulls four majestic runs out square as McKay tries a short ball. You can almost hear gthe Montell Jordan playing in Pietersen's mind from here. 8th over: England 58-1 (Strauss 28 Pietersen 17) need 240 Hopes is on now, and his third delivery is short and wide and filthy and ugly and a little embarrassing and ultimately, it's punished. Four. More Montel in KP's head, I sense. Here's Phil Sawyer: "Follwing on from Mike Selvey's comment, Michael Vaughan and Jim Maxwell have just had a fit of the giggles on TMS after Maxwell mentioned Bollinger 'building up a head of steam'." 9th over: England 59-1 (Strauss 29 Pietersen 17) need 240 Actually the more I think about it the more I wonder if KP isn't more of a Tina Turner man . Strauss swings and misses with a pull shot. I wonder if he doesn't prefer a bit of Verdi's Nabucco for his own internal soundtrack when he is out in the middle. 10th over: England 63-1 (Strauss 33 Pietersen 17) need 240 I could well be giving him too much credit. Strauss that is. He could just as easily be a Genesis fan. Phil Collins' Genesis at that. He has played a glorious cover drive for four here. 11th over: England 69-1 (Strauss 37 Pietersen 19) need 240 Hopes continues, Strauss and Pietersen working him this way and that for ones and twos. 12th over: England 73-1 (Strauss 37 Pietersen 19) need 240 Hauritz is on now, and if Warne is right, the innings could turn here. His first over does not do much to convince that Warne is right. Strauss whips two out to deep midwicket. He and Pietersen then swap singles. 13th over: England 77-1 (Strauss 41 Pietersen 21) need 240 "Actually, thinking about it, it's a bit rich for Michael Vaughan to be snickering at someone else's follicular peculiarities," suggests Phil Sawyer, "I was going to go with Dire Straits for Strauss, but you're right, Genesis is a good bet too." 15th over: England 84-1 (Strauss 44 Pietersen 32) Sorry. we missed an over there while I rebooted my computer, which momentarily conked out. It wouldn't be an OBO without it after all. Steve Smith is on now, and Pietersen has just whipped a glorious four away through mid-wicket. Oh would you look at that... WICKET! Pietersen 33 c Ponting b Smith (England 91-2 need 240) what a catch that is from Ricky Ponting. Pietersen was repeating his whip to mid-wicket, but this time he let the ball pass just a little too close to Punter, who leapt up to pluck it one-handed as it passed. 16th over: England 97-2 (Strauss 50 Collingwood 1) need 240 Strauss raises his fifty, acknowledged with a short stroll around the crease and a wave of the bat around the ground. Collingwood nudges a single behind square to move off zero. "So it's just you and me paying any attention to this match then, Andy?" Yes, Phil Sawyer, yes it is. And between you and me, I'm not sure that this description really applied to either of us. "Sorry, I'm just off to the shop. Talk amongst yourself." 17th over: England 100-2 (Strauss 50 Collingwood 1) need 240 Collingwood leaps back to the leg side and cuts a single out square. That brings up England's 100. 18th over: England 103-2 (Strauss 51 Collingwood 6) need 240 The crowd are now singing a lusty rendition of Delilah, amusing themselves while England amble along. 19th over: England 107-2 (Strauss 51 Collingwood 10) need 240 Smith serves up a full toss, which Collingwood gleefully and gratefully flicks away to the leg side for four. "As I could tell you were asking," says Anthony Pease, "if I were to liken the hairstyle of Steve Smith to any artwork, it would most definitely be Francis Bacon's Study After Velázquez's Portrait of Pope Innocent X; amazingly crafted, outwardly beautiful, but fundamentally utterly utterly terrifying." There's no place to be like the Guardian at 8pm on a Thursday evening is there? WICKET! Strauss 51 c & b Hauritz (20th over: England 112-3 need 240) Oh dear, Strauss tries to work Hauritz away to leg. But the ball bites and takes the leading edge, looping gently back into the bowler's clutches. Hauritz doesn't celebrate, but instead tosses the ball idly away towards the umpire as though he were peeling off a glove after coming indoors on a cold night. Here's Eoin Morgan then, with England drifting perilous close to a little trouble. 21st over: England 112-3 (Collingwood 12 Morgan 3) need 240 "Evening Andy," writes Tom Rothery, who is so considerate that he even included his own 'writes Tom Rothery', making me almost entirely redundant. "Is it just me, or does playing the Aussies hold no fear for all us OBO cynics these days? I actually think we're going to win this match, and the series. And I think we'll at least retain the Ashes. Even Jeff Thompson is talking this England team up - so we must be pretty good, right?" Either that, or we just want to inflate ourselves full of foolish optimism so that when the inevitable collapse comes about it will seem to a shock rather than a foregone conclusion. Bollinger is back into the attack now, presumably so he can have a crack at Morgan. He blocks out the over though, so Bollinger has to settle for a maiden and nothing more. 22nd over: England 113-3 (Collingwood 13 Morgan 3) need 240 "As enamoured with OBO at the Guardian as I truly am, perhaps no one is watching because you keep getting the score wrong or changing the scorecard after you've posted it," says John Barnes, "Christ I hope you're not doing the england game! ENG 0 - GER 1 , ENG 2 - GER 0, ENG 1 - GER 3, ENG 5 - GER 1 !!!!!!!!! ENG 1 - GER 5 ' and the final whistle blows what an enthralling match' ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH BULL!!!!!" Yes. Apologies for that John. Truth be told for the last 20 minutes I've been had the Anvil Chorus from Il Trovatore on loop while typing. It's marginally less bombastic than Botham, and considerably better to listen to, but it may be distracting me a little. Just a solitary single from Hauritz's latest over, pushed past gully by Collingwood. 23rd over: England 121-3 (Collingwood 20 Morgan 3) need 240 Collingwood, who spends a lot of time practicing power-hitting with a mammoth 5lb bat precisely for shots like this, whacks six over to the leg-side. Doug the Rug then oversteps, gifting Morgan a free hit (Collingwood took a single off the no ball). Bollinger opts for a bouncer, and Morgan backs away to try and uppercut it, but fails to make contact. "You do realise you've just given Anthony Pease a 'Naylor', don't you?" says Lawrence Aggleton, "Do you have any idea how insufferable he's going to be now? Although it is a greater achievement than any Australian team in any sport at all recently." 24th over: England 128-3 (Collingwood 22 Morgan 7) need 240 Morgan leans out outside the off-stump and drags a single around to mid-on. So Hauritz switches back over the wicket to bowl to Colly. "I was just starting to think similar thoughts as Tom Rothery myself," says my bosom companion Phil Sawyer, "Luckily he's jinxed us before I could make the same mistake." 25th over: England 131-3 (Collingwood 22 Morgan 10) need 240 Here's Shane Watson. And here's Tim Partington: "Il Trovatore??? I thought you were Somerset's most cultured son... Surely you should be listening to the Wurzels?" Good idea Tim . They never were the same once Adge Cutler died mind you. He was the heartbeat of the band. And the brains. Crashed his MGB into the middle of a roundabout in Chepstow. That's rock and roll for you. Morgan, who is slowly finding his stride, takes just three from Watson's first over, two of them through cover and another down the ground. 26th over: England 139-3 (Collingwood 27 Morgan 13) need 240 Two more for Morgan, out to cover. He hands the strike over to Collingwood with a single to the same place, and Colly then adds two of his own to third man. He sweeps the final ball away for three. It all looks a little easy right now. And if that's not a jinx, I don't know what is. 27th over: England 143-3 (Collingwood 28 Morgan 15) need 240 Watson lumbers up to the crease and dobs down some more 80mph stuff. The sun is just dipping down behind the horizon at the Swalec, and it looks absolutely glorious. "Is over 25's Tim Partington the same Tim Partington who lived in Bishop's Lydeard just outside Taunton in the early 90s?!" asks Tom Rothery. "I used to go to school with him. How about that for bizarre OBO coincidence. Just goes to show what a cult Somerset following you've collected Andy." Yup. All two of you. 28th over: England 149-3 (Collingwood 30 Morgan 21) need 240 Steve Smith comes back, and as his line drifts onto middle and the ball breaks further to leg, Morgan just whips a single away to fine leg. He has 17 off 30 now, Morgan, and not a boundary among them. He's looking a little on edge. Ah well there you go: there is his first four. Morgan unfurls his reverse paddle-sweep, and what a handsome shot it is. 29th over: England 151-3 (Collingwood 30 Morgan 21) need 240 So England need 90 more runs from 128 balls. "It's at least three actually, from the Taunton Deane area at least," says Sam Tarr, "I don't know either Partington or the other feller but I can say the Lethbridge Arms in Bishops Lydeard, despite its attractive frontage and evidence of a Fives court outside, has never been a great pub. Joss Buttler and James Hildreth the next great English hopes?" Buttler may be, but I fear Hildreth is on the verge of becoming a has-been-a-hope or a once-upon-a-time-a-hope, good a player as I think he is. 30th over: England 156-3 (Collingwood 32 Morgan 25) need 240 As for Buttler, I've not seen enough of him, what with being up in the big city so much, but he may need to hold off the challenge of a certain young South African 'keeper over the next couple of years. No, not that one, but this one , Devon Conway, only 18 but already blessed with a first class average of 47 from his nins games for Gauteng. He's been playing for the Second XI this year. 31st over: England 160-3 (Collingwood 33 Morgan 28) need 240 Here's McKay again, on for his second spell. He starts with another no ball, which Morgan clips through cover for two. He can't get a hold of the free hit though, more is the pity. It dribbles away for a single. And moments later, when Collingwood whisks a single to leg, he becomes England record run-scorer in ODIs, over-taking Alec Stewart at the top. Well played sir. What an achievement that is for a man who has endured so much scorn and mockery over the years. 32nd over: England 166-3 (Collingwood 37 Morgan 29) need 240 "Great idea that having people do your work," writes Wing Commander Iain Little (MBE), "but I think you need to maintain a semblance of editing control, or appearing in the OBO could be open to abuse." Quite. Morgan and Colly swap singles, and then the latter lofts a chip away to the ouotfield for two. A single from the last and that's five from the over, tick tock tick tock, England progress is as steady as the clock. 33rd over: England 172-3 (Collingwood 43 Morgan 29) need 240 Now here is a minor mystery. If you ever look at Cricinfo, you'll know that in the top right corner of the screen, underneath their search box, they have a list of the most popular topics people are currently looking for. Normally Tendulkar is top. Today it is Usman Khawaja, who has just been called up by Australia. So tha makes sense. But in second place is Keith Dutch! How does Keith Dutch come to be the second most popular topic on Cricinfo? What the hell? Anyway. Clint McKay goes five parts of the way towards a maiden over here, which would be quite a feat given the way he has bowled, and then Collingwood carts his final ball for a huge six over long-on. I think he is doing it just to be cruel. 34th over: England 177-3 (Collingwood 47 Morgan 30) need 240 Four more for Colly, this time chipped up and over mid-on. "I am the same Tim Partington who lived in Bishops Lydeard in the early 90s" says, well, Tim Partington, "And The Lethbridge Arms is a fine drinking establishment - the bright red reindeer ale being a particular treat at Christmas." 35th over: England 184-3 (Collingwood 47 Morgan 36) need 240 "Are Cricinfo running a series on Middlesex greats who ended their career at lesser counties?" asks John Leavey. Probably. Next up: Richard Johnson. Drinks! 36th over: England 192-3 (Collingwood 48 Morgan 43) need 240 "I believe Dutch's appearence on the most popular players searched was as a result of OBO discussion with your colleague Mr.Smyth and several e-mailers, who called for the re-instatement of Dutch to the national team," says Matthew Davies, "Obviously, not very many people knew who he was." Please tell me that's a joke. Surely Smyth doesn't wield such unfathomable power? That's magic - a wonderful shot from Morgan, pulling four fierce runs through mid-wicket. 37th over: England 192-3 (Collingwood 48 Morgan 43) need 240 A champagne delivery from Bollinger! Sorry. No really. Sorry. WICKET! Collingwood 48 b Bollinger (England 192-4 need 240) Collingwood plays on to his wicket, the ball coming back in towards him after pitching, and canoning down into the timbers. England need 48 from 82 balls. Here is Stephen Davenport: "Now, of course, Keith Dutch will become No. 1 most popular topic in Cricinfo due to the legions of OBOers looking up Keith Dutch. Prompting millions of non-OBOers to look at Cricinfo's popular searches and say "Keith Dutch? What the deuce?" And search for Keith Dutch. Feedback loop ahoy – but when will be the Keith Dutch tipping point?" I'd say it came and went sometime around 2004 when he picked up his legendary 5-65 against Essex in the Frizzell County Championship Division Two match at Chelmosford. What a day that was. Habib, Pettini, Middlebrook, Napier, all the greats fell under Dutch's spell that black day. Aaron Laraman hardly got a look in. 38th over: England 202-4 (Morgan 51 Wright 1) need 240 Morgan pulls four to mid-wicket as Hauritz drops too short then raises both his fifty and England's 200 later in the over with a flick for two to fine leg. I think Andrew Palmer may have cracked it: "So there's the football fans saying to their cricket-loving mates "Have you heard the Dutch latest?" Cricket man thinks "No, whatever happened to him - I'll look in Cricinfo." 39th over: England 211-4 (Morgan 52 Wright 10) need 240 I am so, so happy about this email from John Leavey: "Oh yeah!" he shouts "Laraman!" That's one cricket fan who is going to sleep well tonight. Wright steps down the pitch and wallops Hopes' first ball back in the attack for four. For Hopes' second Wright stays where he is and... wallops it for four. But then... WICKET! Wright 10 b Hopes (England 211-5 need 240) Wright tries to run the ball to third man, but he makes a hash of it and chops an underedge onto his stumps. Here's Bresnan. 40th over: England 211-5 (Morgan 52 Bresnan) need 240 "This is all very odd," writes Clare Davies, "to be seemingly on top in the second match against the Aussies. I can't feel relaxed but think I ought to be. I'm almost relieved that Colly just got out. Smacks more of normal service being resumed." Hold on a moment: WICKET! Morgan 52 c Paine b Bollinger (England 213-6 need 240) Morgan goes, edging a catch through to Paine. The ball bounced and lifted, and Morgan just prodded his bat at it. This match could take a twist or two yet. Though England still have Mike Yardy and Stuart Broad to come. Swann has been promoted above Yardy, which seems a little odd. 41st over: England 220-6 (Bresnan 3 Swann 6) need 240 Swann cuts four through cover, a shot which makes Ponting screw up his face in frustration. It seem it wasn't just the mere mention of Aaron Laraman's name that got John Leavey so excited. Rather he had "Just forgot how many of our seconds ended up in the West Country." Mike Yardy, first class average 39 and with 14 centuries to his name, is surely the best no9 England have ever had in ODI cricket. 43rd over: England 229-6 (Bresnan 9 Swann 6) need 240 Bollinger's final over includes a no ball, and with only 17 runs needed Australia can hardly afford that. Bresnan whacks the free hit away for four through square leg. A great shot, and it rouses a huge roar from the drunken crowd. That's the fifth free hit Australia have given up this evening, and between them they have cost 23 runs, including the extras and the runs scored off the no balls. By the end of the over England only need another 11. 44th over: England 232-6 (Bresnan 9 Swann 6) need 240 Clint McKay, 9-0-49-0 so far and, I would suggest, playing his last ODI for a short while, comes back for the last rites. Oh! Ow. Swann wears that delivery on his helmet, the ball deflecting off the bat and onto his head as he walked down the pitch to try and pull a short ball from McKay. He recovers in time to take a run and England now need just another eight. 45th over: England 235-6 (Bresnan 12 Swann 9) need 240 Here's that man Anthony Pease again, with his best email yet. For what that's worth. "Last time I watched anything featuring someone with a name like Clint McKay, from what I remember, he was playing the pool cleaner. Dialogue wasn't up to much." The crowd at the Swalec are treating us to a rendition of Cwm Rhondda now. 46th over: England 243-6 (Bresnan 12 Swann 17) need 240 England take their batting powerplay. Needing another fine runs. And there they are. Swann chops two to third man and then Swann whacks six over mid-on. England win by four wickets . Well there you have it. Wins against Australia have rarely seemed easier. So, thanks for your company and your emails everybody. I enjoyed that. Cheerio, and I'll see you back this way sometime soon.