Chelsea 7-0 Stoke City – as it happened

Preamble: So, Chelsea's simple three-step plan to winning the title starts here. The equation, arithmetic and, indeed, math is simple: three wins from their remaining three games will see Carlo Ancelotti's team crowned champions. Their opponents today, Stoke, are comfortably ensconced in midtable and on the slow wind down towards season's end. They shouldn't really pose too many problems for the home side – but since when has football worked like that? As everyone knows, the first step of any respectable multi-part plan is admitting you have a problem … and in defending set-pieces, Chelsea have had a season-long one. Stoke love corners, free-kicks and Delap-ins more than than Tony Pulis loves that baseball cap and with Chelsea's Captain Caveman , John Terry, suspended today, you can expect the Blues backline to face no small amount of scrutiny. Pulis has already commenced with his mental disintegration tactics – though the man he's chosen to target is the one in black, accusing referees of bottling it when it comes to awarding decisions against the big clubs. Bolton's Owen Coyle would probably agree after his side were twice denied penalties in their 1-0 defeat to Chelsea the other week but, as mentioned, JT is on the sidelines so the percentage of 'ball-to-hand' incidents in today's game should decrease by about 172.36r%. For those of you interested in more than just hunches and bluster, however, here are the key stats: Chelsea haven't lost at home to Stoke in the league since 1974 (but the Potters did win at the Bridge in the League Cup in 1995, thanks to a solitary Paul Peschisolido goal); Chelsea haven't lost two Premier League games in a row since 2006 (when they'd already won the title); the only teams Stoke have beaten since February are Hull and West Ham; Chelsea have claimed the most points after going behind in the league (15) and Stoke have dropped the most after going ahead (22); and Terry is suspended. So, that'll be Stoke taking a 1-0 lead from a dead-ball situation, Chelsea equalising via a dodgy penalty gifted them by the ref before ending up emphatic 4-1 winners. You can thank me when the bookies pay out ... Teams, you say? Chelsea: Cech, Paulo Ferreira, Ivanovic, Alex, Ashley Cole, Lampard, Ballack, Malouda, Kalou, Drogba, Anelka. Subs: Hilario, Joe Cole, Zhirkov, Sturridge, Belletti, Hutchinson, Van Aanholt. Stoke: Sorensen, Higginbotham, Huth, Abdoulaye Faye, Collins, Delap, Whitehead, Whelan, Etherington, Fuller, Kitson. Subs: Begovic, Lawrence, Beattie, Pugh, Shawcross, Sanli, Wilkinson. Man most likely to be on the end of a Tony Pulis eyeballing: Steve Bennett (Kent) Stuff that may affect today's result: Didier Drogba plays up front, with the spritely ninja trio of Nicolas Anelka, Florent Malouda and Salomon Kalou buzzing around him. Frank Lampard and Michael Ballack will be holding (eh?). Ashley Cole makes his first start since breaking his ankle on 10 February (Go England!). Stoke line up with two strikers, which is to be applauded (though they do only have six league goals between them) and the twin peaks of Abdoulaye Faye and Robert Huth at the back. "No Paul Peschisolido in the Stoke line-up?" notes Damian Wims. Sadly not – he's got a little bit of housework to do for Karren Brady, apparently. Adverts on Sky: Make a bet, make a bet, make a bet. Has Matty Etherington's story taught us nothing? Thoughts, anyone? Or do you care as much about this as you do the election? We can talk about the Marathon, if you like. Or the snooks ... Is that corporate endorsement of the United anti-Glazer protests I spy? In the William Hill (told you it was all betting) ad just on, a fan supposedly "showing his true colours" is wearing a conspicuous green and gold scarf. You gotta join the system to beat the system, or something. Peep! 'Ere we go, then. Rory Delap heads the ball back to Thomas Sorensen after an early cross from Paulo Ferreira. The Chelsea support is in full song at the Bridge as Chelsea kick from right to left. 2 min: First Eyjafjallajökull joke from Martin Tyler. I won't repeat it. Ricardo Fuller chases a ball into the Chelsea half, but Petr Cech get there first and launches a clearance up field to Didier Drogba. Frank Lampard receives the ball on the right but his cross is cut out. 4 min: Branislav Ivanovic takes the ball towards his own corner flag and then shields it from Fuller, apparently already believing that his side are ahead and all he has to do is run down the clock. Fuller eventually fouls him. 5 min: Drogba gets the first sight of goal, crunching a shot into a Stoke defender on the edge of the box. The corner fails to trouble the visitors. 6 min: Fuller skins Ivanovic down the right, muscling his way past John Terry's stand-in before pulling the ball back from the byline. Alex does well to cut the pass out though, averting the danger in the process. 8 min: Stuart Graham smells hypocrisy in the air: "You can talk with your sporting index 'learn to spread bet like a pro' banner on the same page." Deplorable, I know. But don't tell me you expected better from the guardian? 9 min: Stoke are forced into a very early substitution, as Abdoulaye Faye departs the field with some niggle or other. He's replaced by Ryan Shawcross, who's making his first appearance since that whole Ramsey leg thing. 11 min: An excellent chance falls to the feet of the man on the field probably least ready to deal with it. Lampard's swirling effort from 25 yards was beaten away by Sorensen, the ball falling straight to Ashley Cole ... but the left-back only manages to hit the keeper with his follow-up effort. 13 min: Stoke are going about their business in the usual, unfussy manner. They're every inch a Premier League team these days, I feel, despite this being only their second season in the top flight. They seem comfortable, familiar in a way that Reading, say, never did. 15 min: Chelsea continue to probe away, with Ferreira's cross from the right headed away by Higginbotham. Malouda then nearly carves a path through the Stoke defence, but Drogba can't quite control his pass. 17 min: Malouda is hustled out of it by Whelan, but back come Chelsea again. Just seen a replay of Dean Whitehead dispossessing Drogba a minute ago – might have been a teency bit of hand involved there. What was that about referees and big decisions, TP? 19 min: Drogba hammers a drive well over after a quick short-corner routine from Chelsea. They look very comfortable so far, the would-be champions. 20 min: Terrific save from Sorensen. Kalour whipped in a lowish cross from the right and Drogba bulleted a header towards the near post only for the Dane to tip it wide for a corner. Anelka then can't quite fiddle the ball home from close range from the set piece. 22 min: Getting closer ... Drogba is sent clean through by a majestic Malouda pass from inside the Chelsea half, but after the Ivorian had managed to touch the ball past Sorensen, he blazed a half-volley into the stands. He had time – though there was a Stoke man back on the line. GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Stoke (Kalou 24) Drogba is the architect and there was quite some design in Chelsea's opener. Malouda again raked a pass from left to right, with Drogba peeling off towards the edge of the box. Instead of bringing the ball down with his chest, which would have been the easy option, he controlled it flamingo-style with the outside of his right boot, contorting his body to bring it down and then curl a low cross between Sorensen and his defence where Salomon Kalou stooped low to score. Easy as that. 26 min: It's been all Chelsea. It will continue to be all Chelsea. Shall we just stop now and go have a pint instead? "You have to feel sorry for Stoke fans as they are ten points behind Everton in the nothing-to-play-for league," emails Ian Copestake. "Surely some competition could be arranged for these teams to make mid-table security more exciting." 29 min: Stoke venture into the Chelsea half and win a throw! Heeeeeeeeeeere comes Rory ... 30 min: Chelsea ultimately defend the throw, with Cech claiming, but not before it had pinged around the box off a couple of players. They do seem at sixes and sevens when it comes to high balls, Chelsea. Still, they're now off on the attack again. GOAL! Chelsea 2-0 Stoke (Kalou 31) And that's the result! Lampard's thunderous right-foot strike is well kept out by Sorensen, but the ball squirts away from him and Kalou jumps in with both feet to help the ball over the line from a couple of yards out. The Stoke players are complaining about the finish and Sorensen has been hurt ... 33 min: It looks like Thomas Sorensen is going to be taken off here, so we'll get a look at Asmir Begovic. The Dane is receiving oxygen. It was a crude challenge from Kalou, but it didn't look to me as if he really caught Sorensen. I reckon he may have been hurt stretching to get there. 35 min: Tom Britten writes: "So. As a United fan, at what point do I switch this off and look to next weekend? 2-0? 3-0?" Oh, I think just about now will do it, Tom. Begovic is on and Stoke are to restart after a few minutes off the clock. 36 min: Drogba is played in behind the defence again by Malouda and the striker attempts a Hollywood strike from a very tight angle on the right. It goes miles over and earns Drogba a chiding from Andy Gray. As if Gray could plait Drogba's hair ... 38 min: Glenn Whelan chips the ball into the box from a Stoke free-kick but it's cleared – by Mr Ubiquitous, Didier Drogba. Fuller is then crowded out on the edge of the box and Chelsea attempt to break. 40 min: Fuller, who's been the only Stoke player to prick Chelsea at all so far, does Ivanovic again on the right, but his low centre is cut out. If he could have found Kitson at the back post that would have been very close to a sniff of a chance. But he didn't. 41 min: Florent Malouda, who is such a classy player, receives the ball in the area after a one-two on the left and his drive is deflected over for a corner. 42 min: Here's John Allen. "As a member of the goalkeeper's union I have to say; hurt stretching to get there, are you kidding me? Perhaps you could ask a colleague to take a running jump at your wrist and see how it feels. Terrible decision to let the goal stand." 43 min: PENALTY to Chelsea! Robert Huth is hugging Salomon Kalou's ankles (no, literally) but it's actually outside the box. Still, this isn't rugby, and Steve Bennett has to penalise the Stoke defender. TP wont like that. Up steps Lampard to deny Kalou his hat-trick ... GOAL! Chelsea 3-0 Stoke (Lampard 44) Asmir Begovic's first touch is to pick the ball out of his net after Lampard's confidently struck spot-kick low into the bottom-right corner. Thank you, Stoke, and goodnight. 45+1 min: Well, I shall defer to John Allen and several others who've emailed in with blue-tinged missives about Kalou's challenge: Sorensen has been taken to hospital with a suspected broken elbow. 45+3 min: Desperate news for Sorensen, then, and there are to be seven minutes of added time in the first half. And this after Shay Given's injury yesterday. Who's be a goalkeeper, eh? Chelsea almost create chances through first Drogba and then Malouda. Chelsea are romping this. 45+5 min: "You can't really expect reasoned responses from Andy Gray as a commentator as he remains the only footballer in history to have scored all his goals with his head." Ian Copestake has a, err, diagnosis for Sky's No1 colour man's case of idiotmouth. 45+6 min: Stoke have had an effort on goal (it went wide). Nicolas Anelka has been felled in the area by a cheeky trip from Glenn Whelan that went unnoticed. Yawn. Half-time: And Chelsea go in at the break three goals to the good and looking to further boost their confidence ahead of next weekend's trip to Anfield. Have your say – the verdict on Salomon Kalou's second goal: "Perhaps Kalou should talk to his own keeper about reckless challenges," huffs Niall Mullen. "He got the ball but it's a disgraceful challenge that shows no care for his fellow professional." "If Sorensen went to kick that ball and Kalou made that challenge it would have been a red card. Why is he allowed to dive two feet, studs up when the goalkeeper is reaching with his hands?" Andy Waddington has a question to which I don't know the answer. Stuart Lawson: "'I reckon he may have been hurt stretching to get there.' Hmmmm, that may have been what caused the injury. Or it may have been Kalou's studs connecting with his wrist at full pelt..." Sorensen and all that: So, we've had the multi-angle half-time review and it would seem that Sorensen's hand got caught on Kalou's studs as he stretched to get to the ball which caused his arm to get awkwardly jerked out to the side. I was surmising that it might be another dislocation, a la Given yesterday, from the way he was sprawled out – but clearly I was wrong. The barmy thing is Kalou could probably have toe-poked the ball home easily enough with one foot; gods know why he jumped in like that. Peep! Peep! Off we go again. No half-time changes that I noticed, but I think we can assume that Drogba will be given a rest once he's scored the fourth. 47 min: Unsurprisingly, Calro Ancelotti wants more of the same this half – so reports Geoff Shreeves down on the touchline. Management's a lark, isn't it. 48 min: With Chelsea happily beating up on another small kid, let's traduce Jose Mourinho's reign at Stamford Bridge why not. "Malouda is indeed classy - and his rise exemplifies above all others the rise in the quality of the football played in the Premier League over the past few years," says Kit Baker. "An object lesson in why it is a very good thing that Mourinho is no longer in the country. (And before you say it, remember that Mourinho never took Chelsea to the Champions League final)." It being? I was going to say that there have alway been players of Malouda's quality in the Prem, certainly since the mid-90s. But I do think he's tasty, all the same. 50 min: Fuller has a bit of a paddy after Ivanovic touched him on the sleeve, or tickled his elbow or something. That's about as exciting as it's got for Stoke today. 51 min: Kalou dips and weaves his way into the box from the right wing before tonking a rising drive over the upright on the far side of the goal. Would have been a nice way to get the hat-trick. 53 min: Ashley Cole, who's not been too involved but equally hasn't been stretched on his return, shows some dandy footwork in the box, twice feinting and cutting back past his man ... but then he miskicks and the ball runs away from him. 56 min: How much are Chelsea going to win by at Anfield, then? Stoke, in time-honoured got-nothing-to-play-for fashion, are lying back at taking it here. Ian Copestake is already looking ahead: "Liverpool fans face a dilemma next week. If fourth place is out of the question then it will be like following England with Paul Mariner up front: face facts and support the opposition." 58 min: Stoke Substition: Dave Kitson slowly ambles off and straight down the tunnel for an early douche to be replaced by Tuncay. 59 min: Glenn Whelan is booked for a foul – the first yellow of the day – and Alex bazookas the free-kick into some distant part of Knightsbridge. 61 min: Dean Whitehead is then carded for 'simulation'. He ran on to a neat ball in behind Ivanovic, who lunged but missed everything ... and Whitehead, instead of running on and at least trying to cross – y'know, playing the game – Supermans across the turf then looks up questioningly when he's shown the yellow. You know what you did, Dean. 64 min: This game is so dead rigor mortis is beginning to set in. I doubt there's even a chance of it being reanimated zombie-style, for some brain-munching second-half carnage. Zombies always improve things, I'm sure you'll agree. Anelka schwings a right-footer some way wide of the target. 66 min: Anthony Hopkins has a naughty thought. "Six minutes into the second half and no Stoke defender has taken a run at Kalou for breaking their keeper's arm? Hard to believe given their manager. Maybe later is the thinking. Has to happen, however." But none of them are that kind of player, Anthony, surely you know that? GOAL! Chelsea 4-0 Stoke (Kalou 68) Lampard saw Kalou scampering into space behind Collins on the right, with Shawcross playing him onside in the middle, and after hitting a tame first effort straight at the keeper, Kalou completes his hat-trick by stabbing into an open goal. 70 min: Talking players not being like than, n'all, Glenn Whelan, who has been booked, ploughs into Michael Ballack, I think, with his studs firmly in the 'up' position. Bennett waves play on, however. 71 min: Chelsea bring off three-goal man Kalou for little Joe Cole. 72 min: What a miss from Malouda! That's amazing. From less than a yard, the Frenchman fails to connect properly with Anelka's low cross and the ball bobbles wide of the far post. Geoffrey Boycott's grandmother could have scored that. 74 min: "Just checked the Premier League table to see where Liverpool and Everton are and noticed that Chelsea are already shown as having won this game. Although it is highly likely that this will indeed be the result I feel it is disrespectful to Stoke to assume that the game is over. (Even though we all know it is)," writes Richard Harris. "As to Liverpool letting Chelsea win in order to stop United I would argue that there is one thing the Reds fans will like even less than the United claiming their 19th title, and that is being pipped in the league by the Toffees. If Liverpool lose to Chelsea and Everton win their last two games this will happen." We're all about the future here at the guardian, Richard. And this game is over. Good point about the Merseyside thing, though. 75 min: Robert Huth absolutely clumps Ashley Cole and rightly gets a booking. Ballack skies another chance for Chelsea. 77 min: Well, maybe the game's not quite dead, but Stoke's chance are. It should be 5-0, Malouda again the man who should score. Anelka and Drogba combined will to open space on the left and after Anelka's shot was blocked he teed up Malouda, who side-stepped a despairing challenge and then attempted to place the ball in the bottom corner ... only for Begovic to pull off an outstanding reflex save. 79 min: Chelsea substitution: Nic Anelka is withdrawn for Daniel Sturridge. GOAL! Chelsea 5-0 Stoke (Lampard 81) A quite delightful finish from Frank Lampard sprinkles the hundreds and thousands over the cherry on the already over-iced cake. Sam Hutchinson curled a precise cross from the right flank to the far post where Lampard eschewed heading the ball in favour of cushioning it with the outside of his right boot over Begovic and into the net. Did I say it was Game Over? 83 min: All this talk of goal difference – which Chelsea are pumping up fatter than Jordan's lips here – seems a bit redundant to me. If they don't win at Liverpool, they won't win the title as it seems very unlikely that the they'll end up tied for points with United. Good for confidence though. GOAL! Chelsea 6-0 Stoke (Sturridge 87) Sturridge finishes expertly after being put through on goal by Drogba, again. The substitute nipped round Begovic and slotted in from the angle. Good for confidence, and all that ... GOAL! Chelsea 7-0 Stoke (Malouda 89) "Are you watching Manchester" bellow the home crowd after Malouda makes this a bona fide route by turning home the ball from about five yards. He roofed it, but there was no chance of him missing that one. 90+1 min: Young Sam Hutchinson, who I reliably informed crossed the ball for Lampard's second and is also a future England captain (I can't vouch for either of those claims) nearly makes it 8-0 but he's hurried into shooting and he toe-ends his effort wide. This has been the dullest 7-0 thrashing ever, I tell you. Peep! Peep! Peep! That's it, Chelsea have knocked Stoke into a cocked hat and go back to the top of the table. Chelsea now have a goal difference of +61 and they've scored 93 goals this season. Remember all that talk of Arsenal breaking 100 earlier in the campaign? Well, Ancelotti's lot aren't far shy now. Anyway, the scoreline tells the story at Stamford Bridge – Chelsea were muscular and compact, like corned beef, and Stoke merely innocent midtable bystanders. They won't care overly (though spare a thought for poor Thomas Sorensen) and United supporters can't have been expecting much more. Were you watching Manchester and, indeed, Liverpool? Step two is next week, at Anfield. Thanks for your emails today. Cheerio