A Banjo, a cow's rear-end, and Bendtner N

SAPPIAMO CHE IL FIVER With Premier League strugglers Burnley desperate for points when they arrived at the Emirates, it was a sad inevitability that their disgraceful bully-boy tactics resulted in yet another Arsenal player being escorted from the field, his career on the line amid fears that he may not play again for up to a fortnight. Eschewing the "in-your-face" style so beloved of sides whose raison d'etre is maiming Arsenal artisans, Brian Laws' side still managed to upset their hosts with equally controversial and uncompromising "running about making an effort" tactics, which forced Cesc Fàbregas to tweak his hamstring sprinting for a ball he could otherwise expect to have strolled after unopposed against forelock-tugging opposition who knew their place. The upshot of Burnley's outrageous cheeks? Arsenal's star player will be unavailable for his side's Big Cup Round Of Meh second leg against Porto tomorrow night. "We cannot even take a gamble, so he is not available," said Arsène Wenger, whose willingness to take a punt could yet be tested when it comes to deciding whether or not to include "Bendtner N" in his starting line-up. Despite his comically inept performance against Burnley on Saturday, the Danish striker is believed to have been nonplussed when he arrived for training this morning, only to be handed a banjo and ordered to get in among the rear-ends of some cows that were as hastily convened as they were unconcerned. Meanwhile Brazilian striker Pato looks likely to be fit for Milan's 3-1 defeat at the hands of Manchester United at Old Trafford on Wednesday night. The man they call The Duck has also fallen victim to the virulent strain of hamstring-twang that's preying on footballers at the moment, but will undergo tests tomorrow morning and fly north-west with the Rossonne … Rosonne ... Rosin ... Italian side regardless of the result. "Noi don' la t sa se il nostro wiill dell'anatra può waddle ma we' re portandolo comunque," revealed a Milanese spokeman through the Fiver's headphones-wearing multi-lingual translator cousin Babel Fish Fiver . "Sappiamo che il Fiver pensa we' re andare perdere questo fiammifero 3-1, ma we' re andare dimostrare male quei bastardi insufferably unfunny." QUOTE OF THE DAY "We should not be panicking. We should be enjoying it and we are. Everyone outside of Burnley expects us to get beaten every week. But we have changed that fact!" - Brian 'one win in nine since taking charge' Laws insists that his Burnley team shouldn't panic. Oh no. FIVER LETTERS "Every time I hear Michael Owen has picked up another injury I think of this clip and laugh contentedly at Neville Southall's final remark. Karma has a way of biting back. Take note John Terry" - Mark Walsh. "I laughed twice at Friday's Fiver. Am I unwell, or has some new bloke sussed out Barry Glendenning's log in details?" - Phil Coxon. "Re: Friday's Fiver. Can I be one of the 1,057 pedants to point out that a stopped clock is correct twice a day, not once? It's highly unlikely that a 24-hour digital clock would simply stop; it would just not display anything at all" - Kieran Corr (and 10,057 other pedants). "Re: Max Maxwell's patronising pedantry that 'Grissini are plural, so a breadstick has to be a grissino'. While we are handing out free English grammar lessons, the attribute plural (or singular) applies to the word and not the thing (or things) to which the word refers. Thus the word grissini is singular when you are talking about the word grissini itself as are the 1,057 pedants. The word is only plural when you are using it as a noun to describe multiple bread rolls. 1,057 pedants have just failed their English grammar test" - Richard Stacey. Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you've nothing better to do you can also Tweet the Fiver now. BITS AND BOBS Futsal player Robson Rocha Costa has died during a match in Brazil after a piece of the court's wooden floor came off and ripped through his abdomen. The 23-year-old died of hemorrhagic shock after a small piece of the pitch came off as he was sliding, initially hitting his thigh and then making it to his intestines. Manchester United defender Wes Brown will find out later today whether the foot-knack he sustained against Wolves will rule him out of the season. And Bayern coach Louis Van Gaal has problems in defence ahead of tomorrow night's Big Cup game against Fiorentina after Martin Demichelis fractured his face in three places and left-back Diego Contento suffered knee-gash. STILL WANT MORE? All aboard the aural pain train! The Football Weekly podcast is here. Barry Glendenning learned several things over the weekend: abstaining from booze does not help one sleep better on a Sunday night, "couture" means "clothes made to order", and the following five things about football ... four of which he kind of knew already. If it's 1,993 words of pristine prose detailing the activities of assorted teams in Spain's La Liga over the weekend you're after, then this round-up by Sid Lowe is the place to go. Paolo Bandini couldn't be bothered cranking out more than 1,149 words on the Serie A shenanigans, which just goes to show that Italians don't type quite as furiously as they gesticulate. And Raphael Honigstein whips them in with a feeble 1,090-word effort outlining the weekend's Bundesliga business , a performance rendered all the more feeble by the fact that his carefully placed beach-towel earned him first dibs on the office typewriter. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Click here to sign up for the Fiver today . And also, heaven forfend, if you want to unsubscribe. GLENDENNING 13-8; SMYTH 13-8, FORDYCE 2-1, HAWKEYE 20-1