Football transfer rumours: Gary Cahill to Internazionale?

Plenty more disturbing-mental-image-conjuring Rooney flimflam in this morning's Sun. A photograph that shows Wayne standing quite near a smiling woman is used as the sole basis for an insinuating extrapolation of some form of attempted relations between the two. "The soccer rat tried it on with Samii Darnley – a pal of Rooney hooker Jennifer Thompson – at a bash thrown by Manchester United stars last Christmas," the Sun whispers hoarsely , below a picture which clearly shows two people talking to each other. The Mill notes that the world now contains a person called "Rooney Hooker". Elsewhere a man called Hamish , who is the father of Rooney Hooker – soon to become known as Rooney Hooker Dad – has apologised to Rooney wife Coleen over Rooney and Rooney Hooker's Rooney Hooker sex. We should point out that it's only alleged Rooney Hooker sex at the moment too. "Mortified dad Hamish, 55, issued the couple's 'most sincere apologies' to the mum of one and her family after he and wife Dani cut short a holiday in Portugal and jetted home ," blahs the Sun. Is this normal behaviour for the parents of prostitutes? Is it all some form of recognised social gaffe, like allowing your dog to foul the vicarage lawn? The Mill can't work any of it out. Back in the real world of largely invented football stories Gary Cahill's cautiously encouraging half an hour or so in an England shirt means Internazionale now want to sign him for £17.5m . Long-term suitors Manchester United and Arsenal are also mooning about outside the Reebok. 'Arry Redknapp is rumbling into town in his rustic jalopy truck heading for the post-window loan market with Carlo Cudicini, Kyle Naughton, Danny Rose and several unhappy looking chickens crammed into assorted small wooden boxes. Victor Obinna has said ambling strike-gadabout Kanu persuaded him to join West Ham instead of Inter. "Inter have an amazing stadium but West Ham have a big culture and a very long history," he read aloud from a piece of paper containing extracts from Kanu's revisionist history of European football, a document that involves biro-ing out any mention of winning the European Cup in the 1960s and instead concentrating entirely on the 1980 FA Cup final and the fact that Trevor Brooking didn't get many with his head, you know. In the Mirror, Sven-Goran Eriksson has a new job managing Saudi Arabian side Al-Hilal in return for £1.2m-a-year. Eriksson has always been an Al-Hilal fan. As a boy it was his dream one day to lead the best team in Riyadh. The Mirror also says Fabio Capello has "refused to relax his boot camp rules". These include: "No flip-flops around the hotel and trainers must be worn. No mobile phones to be used outside the rooms. Everyone must be in bed by 11pm. All the players and staff must eat together. No experimental threesome sex while driving 90mph down the wrong side of the M6 smoking a £400 packet of Marlboro Red and imbibing absinthe and Red Bull from a bone china gravy boat ." The Mill may have imagined at least one of these. Simon Grayson is "looking for a new enforcer". He is in talks with free agent Amdy Faye . Doncaster are after David Healy. And Hatem Ben Arfa says "I'm dying to show Newcastle fans what I can do with Andy Carroll," referring perhaps to the pair's newly-formed street-dance mime troupe duo. In the Daily Mail, Glenn Hoddle is now in charge of Spanish Tercera Division Group 10 team Jerez Industrial and is planning to field a team made up almost entirely of British players. He's out there operating without any decent restraint. Totally beyond the pale of any acceptable human conduct. And he is still in the field commanding his troops. Terminate. With extreme prejudice . Arsenal could beat Real Madrid and Chelsea in the chase for 17-year-old Anderlecht striker Romelu Lukaku . They also want to sign his brother Jordan, who plays at left-back. Atlético Madrid are ready to offer David Silva a comforting hand on the thigh and an easy route back to a nice place where people don't spurn, kick or pointlessly undervalue him. And according to Goal.com, Borussia Dortmund, the pride of Borussia, want to sign Stephen Pienaar. Pienaar has so far been unable to force Everton to pay him more money.