Fifth Time Lucky?

RIVERRUN, PAST AVRAM AND EVE'S ... The Fiver's city-boy cousin, Buy Sell Buy Sell Braces Rolled-Up £50 Note Convertible Turbo-Powered Tig Extension Smug Smiling Square-Jawed Floppy-Fringe-Covered Smackable Face Fiver, lost his job recently as a result of losing 97% of the Bank of England's gold reserves after making a bet with someone in a St Moritz après-ski lodge. (Could he feel a certain part of the unfortunate person's anatomy without using his hands? "Hur hur, well worth state assets in the region of £5,000,000,000,000 is what I'm saying," he laughed, as the Swiss police hauled him down the clink.) Anyway, after a lengthy extradition process, he was sent bouncing down Threadneedle Street on the bones o'his buttocks with only a £37m pay-off in his back pocket to protect him. All he does nowadays is sit around in his pants and vest, with a few absorbent £20 notes within reach, watching episode after episode of The Good Life on UK Gold in the desperate hope that the one where Margot dresses as a nun comes on. A grim state of affairs, though it does mean he's constantly on hand to advise us whether or not stories about finance in football are hot air, or hot air and pish. "This one's hot air and pish," he snapped this morning, when we asked him whether reports of Portsmouth being bought out for the fifth time this season were true, reports which gave us a strong feeling of deja vu, that our life is repeating over and over again in ever decreasing circles. Happily for Pompey fans, Buy Sell Buy Sell Fiver had been on the cocktails all morning, and rolled off the sofa in a light coma, his fall being broken by a pre-prepared pile of his own vomit. Turns out Endeavor Plan, a Hong Kong-based investment company, are deadly serious, and are checking out documents with a view to completing after 30 days' due diligence. And so we left Buy Sell Buy Sell Fiver to sleep it off, Margot singing numbers from The Sound of Music in the background. QUOTE OF THE DAY "We spoke to the players and explained to them the behaviour that is required in this club. Now they know very well what they have to do and what behaviour is expected of them when they're in the Chelsea shirt" - Carlo Ancelotti, 19 February 2010 "If the private life of one player doesn't involve or impinge upon his professional life, I don't have a problem" - Carlo Ancelotti, 6 February 2010 FIVER LETTERS "Following on from Marten Allen's brush with Alan Curbishley (yesterday's Fiver letters), I once asked my namesake, David Lawrence, the England cricketer for his autograph when I was nine years old. He told me to eff off. Mind you, he had just been clean bowled first ball and I caught him as he walked off the pitch" - Dave Lawrence. "There is no mention of a heath in Shakespeare's version of King Lear (yesterday's Fiver). I assume, then, that you are alluding to the Restoration version of the play and therefore implying a happy ending, albeit one which comes after the demise of an elderly, once great, king?" - Gwilym Jones. "Wow, the Fiver has got some balls. Marcus Hahnemann may be a bit rotund, but to describe the 100-kilo, heavy-metal-loving, gun-totting, red-bull junkie as a tea canteen (yesterday's Fiver) is brave, very brave. Or perhaps the Fiver is just not very bright ..." - Stephen Moseley. "I was disappointed to see that the Tea Lady XI (yesterday's Fiver) did not include any of the following mid-90s stalwarts: Flo (Sheffield United), May (Blackburn Rovers) and Eadie (Norwich City)" - Andy Korman. "I wonder how many of the 1,057 pedants will get far enough past your Hi-De-Hi-fication of Joe Mattock (yesterday's bits and bobs) to point out that there's been nothing trendy in Leicester since the Durham Ox in the mid-90s" - Lee Tombs. Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you've nothing better to do you can also Tweet the Fiver now. BITS AND BOBS (CRIMEWATCH UK SECTION) Police are appealing for anybody who is offered a cheap England away shirt to come forward after armed raiders stole 50,000 jerseys. Burglars attempted to break into Ashley Cole's Surrey mansion while Ashley Cole was still at home with his wife, Cheryl. Police reported that the incident took place at 4.30am yesterday and nothing was taken. BITS AND BOBS Everton midfielder Tim Cahill faces a three-week lay-off after picking up calf knack against Sporting Lisbon. His club is staring the 10-letter conundrum that is gtlinroeena in the face, but Burnley defender Clarke Carlisle is to fulfil a dream by appearing on TV quiz Countdown next week. "I've always been interested in Mensa and IQ tests. I love numbers and Scrabble is a big favourite of mine," he said. And Mick McCarthy expects it to be 'bloody hard work' holding on to Irish striker Kevin Doyle in the summer. The former Reading player has scored six goals since his £6.5m move. STILL WANT MORE? Dirk Kuyt, a player with blood on his hands and a late dilemma? No it's not Midsomer Murders it's this week's You Are The Ref . From Arrigo Sacchi's withdrawal of a legend to Bobby Robson's match-winning switch, Rob Smyth and Paul Doyle choose their Joy of Six: Inspired Substitutions . And a century on Old Trafford still stands as Manchester United's symbol of potency , writes David Lacey. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Click here to sign up for the Fiver today . And also, heaven forfend, if you want to unsubscribe. A BAD DAY FOR BUDDHISM