What I see in the mirror: Anthony Bourdain

When I look in the mirror, I see a guy who looks every one of his 54 years. It's hard living, and I see it right there. I'm used to seeing the bags under my eyes and the creases in my forehead. I have a realistic view of myself; I can see what other people see – someone who's been around the block a few times. I know a lot of my contemporaries didn't make it this far and I feel blessed that I did. When I was young, I wanted to be older, and now I'm there. From the youngest age I had romantic delusional ideas about being jaded. I looked up to Burroughs and Hunter S Thompson – not the best role models for a 12-year-old. Looking back at my younger self, I see an arrogant bastard with a lot of attitude who couldn't wait to grow up. I hated childhood, despised it. By 13, I was very tall for my age and passed for 18 in bars. I certainly lived beyond my years. But it took me a few decades to realise you have to write something or make something to get on. I didn't own anything until I was 44; that was the first time I didn't go to sleep in terror that I'd be thrown out of my apartment. The only security I've known has come in later life. I guess I'm pretty comfortable with who I am now. There's nothing I'd change about my appearance. I don't have any concerns. I'm happy to be around, with the best job in the world, a second marriage and an adorable daughter, so whatever I see in the mirror is a price worth paying. • Anthony Bourdain is at the Edinburgh International Book Festival on 28 August.