Scandinavian Cartoon Festival

YOU WAT? YOU WAT? YOU [BLEEP] [BLEEP] WAT? According to the Urban Dictionary, the phrase " Croatian Poetry Night " is used to describe "achieving the impossible, despite insurmountable odds", like selling a friend on the concept of translated Croatian poetry. More gasped in awe than spoken in admiration, it's what the Fiver would expect to hear if we successfully managed to spin comedy gold out of a story about Premier League chairman Sir Dave Richards denying that a personality clash with Ian Watmore precipitated the resignation of the Football Association's chief executive. But seeing as Rumpelstiltskin, ably assisted by the combined forces of comedy geniuses such as Michael McIntyre and Patrick Kielty, couldn't make a story about boardroom rancour in the halls of power at FA HQ amusing, we're just going to furnish you with the bare details as quickly as possible and hotfoot it towards Quote of the Day so we can all get on with our lives. Upon discovering that Watmore was definitely leaving because he opposed the FA's slow-moving committee structure and believed he was being blocked by Richards on a number of issues that are far too boring to list here, assorted blazer-wearing committee members at Wembley sprang into action by sitting down for a gluttonous lunch, at which point it was proposed to appoint an internal focus group to examine the feasibility of electing a Chief Executive Replacement sub-committee that might file a report outlining how the administrative failures that led to Watmore's departure might best be avoided in the future. Sadly, no seconder could be found, so an emergency meeting was called for lunchtime today, at which it was decided that from now on, egg cress and mayonnaise sandwiches served at such important gatherings should have their crusts removed before being cut into triangles and measured with the official FA-approved callipers to ensure they meet with recently formulated official EU football governing body committee meeting sustenance regulations. Turning up for the meeting, Richards told Sky Sports News the claim that he did not get on with Watmore and habitually tried to block him at every turn was "utter rubbish", an adjective many Sheffield Wednesday fans use to describe the notoriously media shy knight of the realm's tenure as chairman of a club he abandoned on the brink of relegation and owing the thick end of £20m in 2000, to take over at the Premier League, the mother of all cushy gigs he landed despite seeming eminently unqualified to perform it. Not so much a Croatian Poetry Night as a Scandinavian Cartoon Festival, Venezuelan Joropo Marathon and Battlestar Galactica Fan's Social Network rolled into one. QUOTE OF THE DAY "Sol is what you would call a big unit and I think he needs to play games to maintain his match fitness because you kind of think that if he stops he will struggle" - Tony Adams reveals that Sol Campbell is treating his stint at Arsenal in much the same way as the rest of us might treat a gym membership. FIVER LETTERS "Having been revolted by the PR machine for Chelsea's Brave John Terry accusing Wayne Bridge of 'bottling', it is with delicious delight to watch him and his team give us such a perfect – and repeated - demonstration of the verb 'to bottle'" - Andrew Hawkins. "Leo Messi is not 'streets clear of Wayne Rooney' (Don Richardson, yesterday's Fiver letters). Rooney will win games for his team as often as Messi will. He just doesn't dribble as much and Rooney arguably plays against tougher defences. And Rooney is way better looking. And you, Don Richardson, have a very 70s-sounding name. Which means you're a Liverpool fan" - Grant Cunningham. "Would anyone else love to see Thierry Henry score against Arsenal – with his hand?" - Jason Peace. Send your letters to [email protected] . And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now. BITS AND BOBS The non-involvement of Joey Barton is likely to feature prominently as Newcastle United's PR department try to put a positive spin on the news that defender Steven Taylor is recovering in hospital with a broken jaw after a reported training-ground bust-up with team-mate Andy Carroll. Spurs have signed the 21-year-old Brazil midfielder Sandro from Internacional for around £9m. "I am looking forward to getting him here," said 'Arry Redknapp, who has until the summer to wedge Jermain Jenas into a recycling skip. That loud twang followed by a tortured wail you heard in Manchester on Sunday morning was either Mark E Smith rehearsing with The Fall or Joleon Lescott suffering hamstring-twang that'll keep him out of action for four to six weeks. FA blazers have taken time out from in-fighting and squabbling at emergency meetings to dismiss Arsenal's appeal against the red card given to Thomas Vermaelen last weekend. And as if Escape To Victory wasn't terrible enough in its original incarnation, wooden buffoon Vinnie Jones wants David Beckham to star alongside him in a proposed straight-to-DVD remake that has less chance of being green lit any time sooner than the broken set of traffic lights at the end of the Fiver's road. STILL WANT MORE? David Beckham joins the Hurt Locker room while Fabio Capello tries not to touch the sides playing Operation with England's knacked players in this week's Gallery . Steve Cotterill has made Notts County good again and he doesn't even want a pay rise, writes a gobsmacked Louise Taylor . Answer an insultingly-easy question and you could be on the way to Stamford Bridge to watch England's Brave John Terry and chums lose against Aston Villa this Saturday. Whoop! SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Click here to sign up for the Fiver today . And also, heaven forfend, if you want to unsubscribe. MY WORD, THAT'S AN INFORMATIVE MOUSE-MAT