Why phoning home is alien to children

RING (just the one is all it takes) "Hello? Paul?" Yes, and don't pretend you don't know it's me, my name has come up on your phone, what will they think of next. "Your name has come up on the phone, what will they think of next?" I don't know, but it's likely you won't hear about it until 10 years after everybody else does and then get crazily excited about it. Anyway, how was your week? "Well, your father and I took a visit to the garden centre." You don't mind if I eat do you? "Oh no, no. Then John and Gloria came round for dinner and we went to a vigil for the undernourished of Guatemala." Ok great. The thing is … Midsomer Murders is about to start. "And then I got the results from the oncologist, but I'll pass you over to your father." Sorry, what did you … aaarrrgh! If all that sounds just a little brusque, you should hear what it's like when my dad gets on. Fortunately for my conscience, this week has offered evidence I'm not alone. A survey released by the care agency Christies Care claimed that less than 50% of adult children "call their parents for a catch-up". Furthermore, it found that one in 10 spoke to their parents no more than once a month. The Telegraph reported the story on their front page; which just goes to show what it means to old people. It appears that children do not enjoy telephoning their parents. The obvious conclusion to be drawn from that is that they are selfish. Which they are. They like living their own lives. They're even more selfish when in proximity to their parents. A meeting with the pair that spawned you can momentarily reduce any adult to the child they once were; demanding attention, favour and probably money all at the same time as desperately asserting their independence. These behaviours can be coaxed out not just in person but during a phonecall, too, and that's one grand reason why children avoid them. There are also other factors at work. Some children don't like their parents, for example, or know they have already been written out of the will. Others, and this is closer to my position, find their parents repositioning themselves, not as overbearing, inconsistent authority figures but, get this, as friends. It's all "hey man have you seen this film?" and "what's happenin' blud, that Florence and her Machine is one wild cat, no?" All of which is, like, totally embarrassing. More than embarrassing, in fact, it's disconcerting. More than disconcerting, even, it's distressing. When a parent attempts to redefine the relationship with their adult children, it may partly be down to their offspring now standing on their own two feet. Finally, they are peers and new avenues of conversation and understanding can be explored at last. But it's more than that; it's a reflection on the parents themselves. It's a sign of that subtle shift when they begin to need their children more than their children need them. When your mother asks what you think of Kick-Ass she's also asking you not to forget about her. So the final reason kids avoid phoning their parents is because they know their parents are going to die. It's not something you want to confront, even when heavily disguised in a conversation about holiday plans. And there's another more immediate horror to ignore, too. As that death gets closer, the question looms for all children: are you going to look after your parents like they looked after you? Which is why this survey is such a clever and insidious thing. It was commissioned to coincide with a new guide from Christies Care entitled Paying for Care: Your Options Explained. It also comes just weeks after the government rushed out proposals for its National Care Service , a proposal that gets nigh-on two whole pages in the party's manifesto . The name alone suggests that Labour believe this to be not only a vote winner but a necessary addition to the portfolio of public services. Yet they also do not know how they will manage to fund it – "At the start of the next parliament we will establish a commission to reach a consensus on the right way of financing this system." The facts are there: our population is getting older and it's also getting more diffuse. At an individual and a national level, therefore, we are coming to a crunch. What are we to do about our parents? My dad once proposed a solution as he drove me to a swimming class. "When I get into my dotage, just take me out the back and shoot me," he said. The thing is, I'm not sure he'd be so keen on that idea these days. I know what though, I'll ask him the next time I call.