Dr Gerry Mander: the therapist the stars trust

Dear Dr Mander I am the chief executive of a giant multinational oil company. A few weeks ago, there was a technical error on an offshore drilling platform in the Gulf of Mexico. It was operated by some of our contractors and, well, to put it bluntly, things did not proceed in accordance with my company's preferred optimal outcome scenario. An indeterminate quantity of crude oil was subject to unauthorised transfer from a remote geo-containment facility ("the ground") into a multi-directional, aqueous dispersal medium ("the sea"). This has upset a lot of people in the US. I have apologised, but it doesn't appear to be enough. America hates me. What can I do to restore my reputation? T Hayward Dear Mr Hayward You play down your responsibility for the accident, which is a natural human response. But without taking ownership of the problem, you can't sincerely express contrition and that is why Americans hate you. Your natural reserve comes across as callous indifference. No doubt your advisers have instructed you to show a bit more feeling, to use words like "devastated" and "tragedy". But this is no use if you pronounce them with the charmless monotony of a railway Tannoy. Think more Oscar acceptance speech, less "mind the gap". Even then, emotion might not be enough. Sometimes, the tide of public rage rises so high that apology cannot hold it back. Forgiveness might be off the agenda, in which case you are in the realm of retribution. I recommend you bring punishment on yourself before it is administered by others. Try something grimly symbolic. Release photographs of your beloved family pets drenched in sticky crude. If you still can't shed the status of villain, try embracing it instead. You have been cast as the flint-hearted bad guy, so make the role work for you. Ham it up. Wear coats made from dolphin skin. Paint your fingernails black. The US is a lucrative market for pantomime British nastiness. You could become the Simon Cowell of global business. Dear Dr Mander I have a substance problem. It's the fossils. Everyone said it would happen, that once I became president I would end up on the oil pipe, just like my predecessors. I swore that I would be different, that I could do it clean and green. It started out with just a bit of chat with some lobbyists, a little deregulation on the side. And you gotta understand, I needed growth. I had to have a little economic pick-me-up, y'know? It was all going to be cool, just a bit of oil and gas to keep things going while I got my climate change bill together. But then I started offshore drilling. I really want to be clean, but I fear I'm in too deep. B Obama Dear Mr Obama You recognise that you have a problem, which is a vital step. But one of the biggest problems that addicts come up against, even with the best of intentions, is the persistence of old habits and old company. If you really are going to wean yourself off fossil fuels, you will have to adopt a different lifestyle and find a new social circle. Your old drilling cronies will be willing you to fail. Abstinence can feel lonely, but you must remember that these polluting types just want your subsidies. They aren't your real friends. As for the economy, don't be lured into romanticising that high-octane growth high. It was fuelled on fossils and bound to end in a painful crash. The next one could be fatal. Dear Dr Mander I became England manager on the understanding that it was a world-class side. But they are rubbish. What hope do I have of World Cup victory? F Capello Dear Mr Capello I suggest you re-read the small print of your contract. This is England. Only two kinds of hope are permitted: wildly improbable and the utterly forlorn. Dr Gerry Mander shares his consulting room with Rafael Behr