Football transfer rumours: Steven Gerrard to Inter?

The Mill is an entirely sustainable resource, a carbon-neutral, outdoor-reared affair that looms self-righteously against the dust-caked skyscape of fashionable post-apocalyptic Kings Cross – a bit like one of those urban delicatessens that occasionally spring up on London street corners smothered in aggressive self-eulogising about seasonal produce and fair trade organic individually-shelled Smarties and hand-farted sausage rolls that cost at least six quid. The kind of place that's invariably run by a tousle-haired man called Damien who prances about in an apron pretending he's a posh foodie type on the telly but in fact does nothing except scowl on a stool and individually hand-craft each cappuccino in a way that takes about 15 minutes and ends up costing so much you have to pay by cheque or banker's draft. Imagine, then, the Mill's pleasure at noting, as of today, we have entered one of its favourite regions of the calendar, a time when some of the rumour world's choicest and most fashionable delicacies enter their full seasonal flush. In this morning's Mirror it's David Silva time already. Valencia's not-really-want-away Spanish international jinker is back on the menu. He's really good right now. Plus, this time around he's being "hijacked" by Real Madrid while apparently on his way to Manchester United . "Old Trafford boss Sir Alex Ferguson has been tracking the 24-year-old Valencia forward for more than a year," the Mirror says. Madrid meanwhile "want to use Silva as the main piece of their rebuilding work this summer". Get it while you can. Next week: asparagus. In the Daily Mail José Mourinho wants to bring ambling German midfield tree stump Michael Ballack to Inter . Steven Gerrard could also be on his way for £25m. Well, you probably would, wouldn't you? Manchester City want to pay £11m for Kevin-Prince Boateng's brother , who plays centre-half for Hamburg and is called Jerome and not, sadly, "Jerome-Prince". Sir Alex Ferguson will sign surprisingly expensive Lyon goalkeeper Hugo Lloris , who used to be in Jeeves and Wooster and now plays a grumpy American doctor in a TV show your wife insists is actually really good. Lloris will cost £15m and could join before the World Cup. United and Chelsea are also "on Chiellini alert". The Italy defender could be about to leave Juventus. Wolfsburg are demanding at least £35m for Bundesliga goal machine Edin Dzeko . Milan are no longer in the race, having decided they are "happy" with Klaas Jan Huntelaar. Back in the Mirror, Olympiakos want to sign Fábio Aurélio on a free in the summer. Crystal Palace are 10 minutes from South Norwood, 20 minutes from Croydon and "three weeks from meltdown". When they get there Paul Hart will join Spurs. Fulham want to pay £10m for FC Twente's Costa Rican winger Bryan Ruiz. "A host of Spanish clubs" are also interested. Watford manager Malky Mackay is after Everton teenagers Moses Barnett and John Nolan . And Steed Malbranque has "pledged his future to Sunderland", presumably in a moving ceremony held beneath a South Pacific waterfall dressed in a white bikini and surrounded by a production team from OK!. In the Sun, Juventus may miss out on an overly-long, ill-tempered, accusatory and vaguely nerdish association with Rafael Benítez because they're only sixth in Serie A and need Champions League money to fund his move. "Bringing in Benítez, plus a couple of his backroom team and top stars, would cost around £100m." Franck Ribéry is still going on about what Franck Ribéry thinks Franck Ribéry might do next . "Real Madrid, Barcelona and Chelsea are still interested in me and they want me to play for them. I will determine in the very near future what I will do next year. I hope in the next week or in the next 10 days." The Mill is ticking off the days on its improvised Franck Ribéry advent calendar, with a chocolate replica of a grumpy Frenchman who looks a bit like Mickey Finn from Only Fools and Horses behind each cardboard window. Drum and bass pioneer Fabio could go to Sporting Lisbon on loan from Manchester United . "My agent thinks that I will not have that many opportunities and so he has advised me to play elsewhere," he said, in a robotic voice without blinking, before adding "there's a snake in my boot" and "cover me we're going in". And a really stupid modern football thing is happening at Middlesbrough where "penniless Portsmouth are playing hardball with Middlesbrough" over Gary O'Neil. "The Championship outfit are risking their play-off hopes by refusing to play O'Neil while they try to get Portsmouth, who are in administration, to accept less than £500,000." According to Goal.com Real Madrid and Chelsea are also casting lascivious sideways glances towards Gerrard. And Madrid are on the trail of "the Brazilian Lionel Messi", Neymar Da Silva of Santos , who looks 11-years-old and has a Fresh Prince of Bel Air-style flat-top. Neymar is actually 18 and can dribble as though the ball "appears to be attached to his foot".