Football transfer rumours: Steven Gerrard and Rafael Benítez to Real Madrid?

The Mill had planned to start today's piece by answering some of life's great questions. Then we found out Andrey Arshavin had already answered them all. From the best way of dealing with being fat ("lose weight") to whether rain drops are in fact angels' tears (they're not), Andrey has been addressing the world's biggest concerns on his personal website for some weeks now. And so, after several seconds of soul-searching, we decided to just do what comes naturally … and copy his answers. "Andrey, what meaning do you put in the word 'a friend'," ponders a poster by the name of IFFA. "I think that I can call those people friends who are around not only when everything is fine, but also when it's hard," responds Arshavin. "A friend in need is a friend indeed." Sadly, by that rationale, Steven Gerrard and Rafael Benítez are no friends of Liverpool , since both are apparently plotting to do one to Real Madrid in the summer. "Andrey, what do you think people need pain for," demands iloveme. "For people not to forget that they are mere mortals," says Andrey. "Some people say that suffering purifies the soul." Of course, another way of looking at it would be that people need pain to teach them to stop doing stupid things, like appointing Iain Dowie . It seems Hull still haven't learned their lesson . "Hi A.A. Do you believe in destiny," muses From Africa. "Yes," confirms Andrey. "Everything happens for a reason." Burnley are reportedly getting ready to sack Brian Laws . Reasons are not hard to discern. "You know sometimes I feel so down. What shall I do," asks tasha100 know. "Try to overcome this situation. Think that after this bad streak, there's definitely going to be a good one. Despondency is a sin." Martin O'Neill will do his best to shake off that mid-March funk by counting out all the coins in his penny jar to see if he will have enough to purchase Tomasz Kuszczak from Manchester United in the summer. "Hi, Andrey, I love Arsenal and helicopters. My friend, Steve, said that he met you once and he said you were very nice but you smelt of coffee. Do you like coffee? He also said that he held your hand. If I met you please could I hold your hand, I promise it will be no longer than for three minutes," says Anthony, 28, from England. "I don't drink coffee at all," insists Andrey. Erm … Have you ever been stung by the bees in the forehead or near the eye," inquires kostea. "No, but I've been stung once in my behind by a bee," says Andrey. The Mill has nothing more to add.