Westminster digested

Cameron: I can feel the heavy hand of history on my shoulders. Gaddafi: Is this bloke on the same drugs as me? Cameron: We must stand tall and turn the pages of a new dawn. Hague: You've lost me, too. Gaddafi: That's easily done. Cameron: I'm being a statesman, you fools. Last week I was caught dozing while out flogging arms and everyone had a go at me, so now I've decided to sound important whenever possible. Hague: Shouldn't we do something? Cameron: Quite right. I shall not sleep until future generations of Libyans are secure in the knowledge they can sleep peacefully in their beds at night. Obama: Fuck me! The idiot's trying to start another war. Cameron: So I shall personally create a no-fly zone over the entire country. Liam Fox: We've scrapped our harriers . . . Gaddafi: I know, I almost managed to buy one on eBay last week . . . Fox: . . . we've sacked a whole load of pilots, we've decommissioned the Ark Royal and we're issuing P45s to everyone coming back from Afghanistan. Cameron: Morale has never been higher and we shall stand tall against tyranny. Obama: You're on your own, pal. Cameron: When I said we're going to have a no-fly zone, I meant we're going to rid Libya of all flies. For too long have the noble Libyans been oppressed by insects spreading pestilence in their wake. Clegg: I wish I could sound as intelligent as you, Daddy. Cameron: You're much more use to me as a moron, Cleggster. Osborne: And judging by your useless performance in the Commons this week, you're doing brilliantly. Mervyn King: Whoops, looks like the coalition is sinking fast . . . The deficit is all the fault of the bankers. Osborne: What? Last time you agreed that it was all Labour's fault. King: Changed my mind. So there! Cameron: Don't worry too much about details, Ozzy. We don't have to stop making cuts. Lord Hunt: Did someone call me? Cameron: No, but now you're here. How is the BSkyB deal? Hunt: After a lot of thought, I've decided that if News Corp pretends to hive off Sky News for 10 years then it can do what the fuck it likes. Cameron: Good show! I'll tell James Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks when Sam and I go round for dinner tonight.