Westminster digested

Hague: OK chaps, here's the briefing. You're going to fly in undercover at 0200 hours . . . SAS: Couldn't we just get off the boat in daylight? Hague: . . . then you're going to crawl through enemy lines . . . SAS: There aren't any . . . Hague: . . . and rendezvous with the rebel commanders at 0530 hours . . . SAS: Wouldn't it just be easier to phone them? John Simpson has their number. Hague: . . . and deliver a top-secret message. SAS: What is it? Hague: That Britain is completely behind them if they win but if the regime hangs on then we'll be officially grumpy before we resume oil trade links. SAS: I think they've gathered that already. Hague: Squad dismissed. Cameron: Bad news, William. Our team has been held in Libya. Hague: That's odd. I could have sworn I sent them to Venezuela. Cameron: So what shall we do now? Hague: I haven't a clue. I'm still only on page 83 of Bravo Two Zero. Cameron: I have the utmost confidence in the foreign secretary. Sir Menzies Campbell: No one else does. He's looking dog-tired and completely out of his depth. Hague: That's not fair. It's just that nobody told me I'd have to stay up so late or there were so many foreign countries. Prince Andrew: You'll get used to it. A lot of dictators turn out to be really nice blokes when you get to know them. What you really need to do right now is chill out a bit. You've been overdoing it. How about I call my friend with loads of hot chicks on tap who give a cracking massage? Cameron: You're on a final warning HRH. Osborne: You can't say that to Andy, Dave. It would be frightfully embarrassing to fall out with the Queen, and we might not get an invite to the wedding. Cameron: I have the utmost confidence in Prince Andrew. Clegg: Do you have the utmost confidence in me, too, Daddy? Cameron: Of course I do, Cleggster. Clegg: Then why have you arranged for me to be surrounded by a ring of steel at the Lib Dem spring conference? Cameron: To make sure you don't get mobbed by all your admirers. Clegg: You're so sweet, Daddy. I love you so much.