Westminster digested

Cameron: We cannot stand idly by and let the French get all the credit. Hague: So we will not rest till Hugo Chávez has been removed from power and the people of Venezuela can sleep easily . . . Cameron: It's Libya, Mojo Man. Hague: Who's Libya? Cameron: We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender. The Arab League: Er . . . we only asked for a no-fly zone. Cameron: What's the point of that? It hardly enhances my reputation as an international statesman of stature. Liam Fox: We've almost run out of missiles . . . Cameron: Piss off, Doc. You're paid to bring me solutions, not problems. The Arab League: We were rather thinking the same about you. Clegg: What are we going to do with Libya when it's all over, Daddy? Cameron: Don't worry your pretty little head about that, Cleggster. The beauty of it is that it will never be over. Osborne: Fuck me, Cleggster. You've put on weight. Not getting out much? Clegg: That's sooo not fair. I've got loads of friends. Lib Dems: No you haven't. Cameron: Stop being beastly, Ozzy. The Cleggster's just got a bit of puppy fat. Now excuse me while I look serious about Libya. Osborne: I'm so fed up with abroad. Can't I talk a bit about me and my budgie? Ed Balls: You've already leaked most of it. Osborne: My budgie is a budgie of growth. I shall continue to increase the cuts in public services, the number of those out of work will rise to record levels along with inflation in the RPI . . . Tory backbenches: Hear, hear. Ken Clarke: Zzzzzz. Osborne: . . . and to prove I am sincere about the recovery and because Cams insists it looks as if the Lib Dems have had some say in my budgie, I will help the squeezed middle of alarm clock Britain by reducing fuel duty by 1p from the 3p I added on in VAT at the beginning of the year. Alarm Clock Britain: Hooray! Now that petrol has gone down from £1.50 to £1.49 per litre, we can finally afford to drive to Beachy Head.