Dear Jeremy

I'm feeling taken for granted – should I ask for a pay increase? Following a takeover of our company, and subsequent departure of my immediate superior (a director of the company) two years ago, through a selection process I gained a newly-created "head of department" position, which replaced the previous "director of" position. I received no salary increase to go with the promotion, and, despite two years of "excellent" performance since then (language from my annual reviews), no increase in salary has been mentioned. The application form at the time asked: "What are your pay expectations for this position?" to which I responded, giving my current salary – the least I would expect. I have not raised the issue since, in the naive belief that the company would offer me a rise when it was clear that I was performing well. Without self-aggrandising, my responsibilities easily compare with those of my previous boss while my salary remains modest for our industry and with fewer benefits than were on offer previously. I have been with the company for more than eight years and can't help but feel I am being taken for granted. The lack of increase in remuneration is starting to grate badly. Should I simply ask for a rise, or am I being foolish? I'm not in the least surprised that you feel a bit taken for granted: that's exactly what's happening. But in part, I'm afraid, it's your fault. When applying for an internal promotion that carried more responsibility, you asked for no more money than you were already getting. I'm not suggesting that that's the only reason you were offered the job, but your company must have been delighted. You may have been disappointed when they didn't automatically give you a rise to match the new role, but no company can be blamed for keeping a close eye on salary levels – particularly, perhaps, just after a takeover. You made it all too easy for them. I find it interesting that the title of the role you applied for had been changed from "director of" to "head of department". This suggests that the new owners were anxious to lower the perceived status of the job and thereby make direct comparisons with previous salaries more difficult. It's certainly time you put in a formal request for a salary review. You should, of course, have done so before; instead, as you freely admit, you've let the situation drift to the point where it's all beginning to grate rather badly. So you must be careful to see that your sense of grievance, bottled up for so long, doesn't colour your entirely reasonable request and make it seem sour and resentful. (Don't, for example, accuse your company of taking you for granted – even by implication.) Be cool and factual. Remind them of your increased duties on an unchanged salary and your excellent appraisals over the past two years. If you think you know the fair and appropriate salary you should be getting, don't be afraid to mention it. I can't believe that you run any sort of risk by taking this action and you should certainly benefit from it. There's a lot of truth in the old saying that it's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. It's high time you squeaked a little – but do be sure to squeak politely. Do I have to admit I'm gay to encourage friendships at work? I would like to turn to you for advice on a matter that has been haunting me for years. I am 34 and entered full-time work at the age of 21. I am gay and in a long-term relationship and out to my family and friends. However, I have not spoken of my sexual/lifestyle preference at my workplace. Ideally, I would prefer to not discuss private matters at all. This would still be the case were I in a heterosexual relationship. However, people do ask and, when asked, I usually tell people the truth. Since people never seem to guess that I am gay, I have received quite a few surprised, if not extreme, reactions in the past. I had shocked heterosexual board members, affronted female Christian members of staff and, in one company, I was sacked weeks after I came out – the official reason was not given. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and it has led to anxiety and withdrawal because I am scared that people would like to find out about my private life. I do not want to be the talk of the office and be labelled as the lesbian. Is there a way to tell my colleagues that I would prefer to keep private matters out of the office, without offending them? Some offices seem to cultivate behaviour such as you'd find in the school playground. Little gangs develop, friendships become exclusive, gossip flourishes – and people are rated by their popularity scores. More often than not, the least popular are those who attract exactly the sort of comments I'm sure you remember from the classroom: "She keeps herself to herself … she puts on airs … she seems to think she's superior… she's a bit hoity-toity …" As you recognise yourself, your entirely understandable desire to keep your private life private has caused you to withdraw. Through the eyes of others (and not always sympathetic or sensitive eyes) your withdrawal will seem evidence of aloofness, of coldness, of a sense of superiority. And so you become the subject of speculation – which, in turn, makes you shrink still further from comfortable social contact. Your sexuality may be the underlying cause of all this but I doubt if it preoccupies your colleagues as much as you think it may. Somehow you need to be more approachable. Much the easiest solution to suggest, and probably much the hardest for you to put into practice, would be for you to invite a few of your office colleagues to join you for a drink one evening, with the stated purpose of meeting your partner. However much the prospect might appal you, and maybe your partner as well, I believe you'd find an immediate change in the office atmosphere and in your own anxieties. Did Jeremy get it right? Email [email protected] and we'll print the best replies Readers' advice Jeremy's response to a reader wondering if she should mention her children when applying to law firms (5 June) prompted replies: • I would like to advise the reader not to follow Jeremy's advice. I have followed a similar course and studied for a law degree as a second career while working freelance and raising my young daughters. Mentioning that you have children in a job application is likely to suggest to employers that they are a factor to be reckoned with. In a conservative environment, such as law, this is more likely to knock you out of the application process than win you points for frankness. Many employers do not want to concern themselves with their employees' family situation, let alone that of applicants for a job. Most law firms have very structured recruitment exercises and the later you can leave it to mention your children, the better – at least this may give you a chance to get to the next stage of the process! I do not think that not mentioning your children reflects poorly on your integrity. After all, not many men would even think about their offspring having any relevance to their job prospects. One last piece of advice: think about applying for training contracts in the public sector, where the attitude to career changers and mothers tends to be more accommodating. Name withheld by request • I wonder if you would have given the same answer if her letter had started "I am a MALE mature student …"? I am willing to bet that a father in the same position wouldn't even consider it an issue, much less consider disclosure/non-disclosure a dilemma. Is this what is meant by equality of opportunity? Linda McVeigh For Jeremy Bullmore's advice on a work issue, send a brief email to [email protected] . Please note that he is unable to answer questions of a legal nature or reply personally