Westminster digested

Cameron: Those G8 Johnnies got the message. Never fear! SuperCam is here! Obama: Who was that limey butler who cadged a lift in my helicopter? Osborne: I say Cams! I saw you and your black man on the TV over the weekend. Cameron: That wasn't my black man. That was another black man. Osborne: So now you've got two black men. This coalition's really going places. Cameron: I should say. I've just announced our troops will be home by Christmas next year. Clegg: Didn't you say by the next election? Cameron: I did. Don't worry your pretty little head about it, Cleggster. General Petraeus: Can you remind me why you're bringing the troops home again, sir? Cameron: Because we will have won the war. General Petraeus: Run that by me just one more time . . . Cameron: Look you fool. If I say we've won the war, we've won the bloody war. Now, how's it going on the home front, Theresa? May: I think your black man . . . Osborne: . . . his first black man . . . May: . . . your first black man is going to be a very happy chap. I've just set a cap on the number of foreigners entering the country. Our borders are now closed except for rich people. Clegg: Fantastic. That's exactly the kind of policy we in the Lib Dems have always advocated. Sir Menzies Campbell: I think I need to lie down for a few years . . . Clarke: Prison doesn't work . . . Campbell: It might for Clegg . . . Clarke: We lock up far too many people . . . Redwood: That's the most disgustingly liberal thing I've ever heard . . . Jack Straw: That's the most disgustingly liberal thing I've ever heard. Cameron: Don't panic, it's only a soundbite. The little bleeders will be staying put. After all, it's not as if there's any jobs for them to do when they get out . . . Clegg: I know how they feel. Please can I do something, Daddy? Cameron: Oh, OK. I've got this really important mission for you Cleggster. Go round the country and ask people what laws they like and don't like . . . Campbell: I'm in favour of murder. Clegg: Hello, Cam World! How can I help you? The people: By remembering you're a Lib Dem.