Westminster digested

Cameron: I bring you glad tidings of great joy! Unto us a child is born. Clegg: Er, great. But wasn't it supposed to arrive next month? It's not fair. Now you'll be taking your paternity leave when you're on hols and I'll get even less time in charge . . . Cameron: As I said, Glad tidings of great joy. Clegg: OK, then how about calling her Nicola. Or Nick for short? Cameron: We were thinking of something a little more Cornish . . . Clegg: What about Cleggalita then? Cameron: I think we'll stick with Florence Rose Endellion. Clegg: Do you think my poll ratings would improve if Miriam were pregnant? Cameron: I think we both know the answer to that. Charles Kennedy: Well I'm definitely behind Nick all the way. Cable: He must be back on the booze. Milidee: The Lib Dems are the biggest threat to civilisation since Tony Blair. Milidum: You've got it all wrong, bro. The people hate that kind of ugly, divisive politics. Milidee: You always were a patronising little shit. Well, I've got news for you, pal. The Labour party loves me and the women think I'm a babe. Everyone thinks you just look a bit weird. Milidum: Well, Tony has promised me a signed copy of A Journey. So there . . . Balls: Oooh! Handbags, ladies! Burnham: I'm still very much in contention. Balls: . . . For coming last. Institute of Fiscal Studies: Far be it from me to do the opposition's job while you lot stab each other in the back . . . but I'd like to point out that the budget is actually regressive and will hit the poor hardest. Osborne: Screw you! I've just nearly given myself DVT flying home from Pisa on Easyjet to prove we're all in this together and you come up with this. Look, if I bloody well say it's progressive, it's progressive. Isn't it Cams? Cameron: Gosh! I'm on paternity leave right now. Ask the Cleggster. Clegg: Um, yes, it's progressive because poor people can move to smaller homes and get jobs in the private sector and stuff . . . Cameron: Brilliant, Nick. Keep it up. Clegg: Am I? Oh, thank you Daddy. Cameron: Yes you're doing a brilliant job in getting everyone to hate the Lib Dems instead of the Tories.