Westminster digested

Cameron: Splendid news about Big Willy and Babykins, eh, chaps. Osborne: I'm rather surprised the prince is marrying a chav. Cameron: Me too, Ozzy. I wouldn't have dreamed of marrying someone so common. But it looks good for our Big Society thingy if the odd aristo gets hitched to the little people. Osborne: Best of all, Cams, it will stop everyone going on about tuition fees, cuts and austerity for a bit. Cameron: Quite right! People just don't realise they have never had it so good. Britain is a world leader . . . Everyone: . . . in debt. Osborne: So let's get out there and bury some bad news. Cameron: Top plan, Ozzy. Could be time to take the court photographer and makeup artist off the public pay-roll . . . Osborne: God, it's such a drag having to pay for your own staff. Cameron: Don't be silly, old boy. We'll squeeze a few more quid out of some donors and charge them to the party. Osborne: And what are we going to do about that liability, Coulson? Coulson: I'm listening . . . Cameron: Coulson? Never heard of him! Clegg: Daddy, I've had a brilliant idea! Osborne: That would be a first . . . Cameron: Let the Cleggster speak, Ozzy. Clegg: Why don't we get married, Daddy? It would be brilliant. We could call a national holiday and walk hand in hand to Westminster town hall to declare our love in public. Cameron: Steady on, Cleggster . . . Clegg: But, Daddy, I don't care what the people may say; I'm yours and yours alone. Think of the Nick and Dave souvenir mugs! Osborne: Haven't you got the message, you moron? Cams doesn't love you. He's planning to dump you at the earliest opportunity Clegg: Oh Daddy, say it's not true. Coulson: I'm still listening . . . Cameron: Sorry Cleggster, I'm a bit tied up with Ireland at the moment. Osborne: Don't worry, Cams, I'll bung them £10bn to tide them over. Everyone: But yesterday you said we were virtually bankrupt, today you've found £10bn in your back pocket. Osborne: I've borrowed it, OK? Everyone: Where from? Osborne: Fuck knows! From the Irish, probably. Who cares? It's only money. Everyone: Yes, ours . . . Osborne: Oh shut up and piss off back to the dole queue.