Westminster digested

Cameron: I'm afraid these cuts are going to be a bit tough, chaps. Osborne: Not for me Cams, old boy. My £4m trust fund is offshore . . . The Queen: Nor for me! Do thank Samantha for passing on my request to have all revenues from the Crown Estate given back to one . . . Cameron: That's quite all right, Ma'am. The little people wouldn't have wanted you to go short in these difficult times. Still, it's a shame we've had to make one million of them redundant . . . Clegg: But Daddy, you said you would find them work in the private sector . . . Cameron: Did I? Oh, very well, then . . . right, I've had a look. Oh dear, there aren't any jobs! Clegg: Please try a bit harder. Cameron: Mmm . . . OK, I'm looking. Cooee, are there any jobs out there? Jobs: No. Cameron: What can I say, Cleggster? You can't say I haven't tried . . . Clegg: I would never say that, Daddy, because I love you. But it's so-o-o unfair that all the people you are making redundant are the public-sector workers who never voted for you anyway. They voted for me – and now they are going to hate me . . . Cameron: Gosh! I hadn't realised . . . Osborne: Much! Well it is so-o-o-o fair – it's your workshy scroungers, wheelchair hoggers and pointless pensioners who have brought this country to its knees. Watch me fuck them up big time. Clegg: Oh, don't let him be nasty to the old folk, Daddy. Some of them really depend on their £30 pension. Cameron: Don't worry, Cleggster. Every oldie gets more than £30. Clegg: Really? You're so clever for knowing that sort of detail. Then what are they moaning about? Cameron: That's the spirit . . . Milidee: I'm going to ask you some tough questions about your cuts, you, you, cutter you . . . Cameron: Fire ahead, old bean. Milidee: Don't try to distract me with all that 'fire ahead' stuff . Cameron: Sorry. Do continue . . . Milidee: I said don't try to distract me with all that 'do continue' stuff. I've got some pretty tough questions for you. These cuts, Cameron. They are pretty cutting cuts, aren't they? The Coalition: I can't believe we're getting away with all this. Milidee: Will you answer my question? Cameron: What was it? Labour: Why didn't we choose Milidum?