Westminster digested

Cameron: Jolly lucky we had managed to save £7bn by screwing the disabled, eh? Otherwise we'd have had nothing to give the Irish . . . Osborne: Noblesse oblige, old boy. It warms the nation's heart to help out the little countries at Christmas time. The nation: But you're only bunging them the cash because our own banks made a load of iffy deals with the Irish. Cameron: Don't be silly. Protecting the banks is a very bad Labour policy and not the kind of thing we would ever do. Osborne: . . . and if any of you says anything different I'll make you unemployed. IDS: Three cheers for the Big Society! Cameron: Come along chaps. Let's show everyone how heppy we are . . . Clegg: Oh Daddy. I'm not at all heppy. In fact I am very, very unheppy. Things are just too, too bloody at the moment. Cameron: What's the matter, my little Cleggster? Clegg: It's just that all the other children seem to really hate me. Cable: That's odd! They hate me too. Osborne: That will teach you to make promises you never intended to keep. At least I never pretended to be anything other than a shit. Cameron: Now, now Ozzy . . . We've all got to roll up our sleeves and cheer the Cleggster up. Clegg: I want my mummy . . . Cameron: Sam's not around at the moment, so you've just got to buck yourself up. It's no good sitting around here feeling sorry for yourself. You should get out more. Why don't you visit some universities? Clegg: I was going to, Daddy, but they've just told me they don't want me to come any more. Cameron: Then how about writing the Sermon on the Mount? Clegg: Oh what a good idea, Daddy! I'll tell the world it doesn't matter how much money you have as long as there is social mobility. Everyone: And you're going down, deep down. Big time! Clegg: Wah! Wah! Everyone's being horrid to me again. Cameron: Did I hear the word mobility? That reminds me! I've just bought a new train set for everyone. Bozza: Bit bloody late . . . I've just told everyone in London not to use the tube during the Olympics as it will be packed with Johnny Foreigner. Osborne: Don't worry. There will be bugger all people going to work in 2012.