Westminster digested

Milidee: So what do I do next? Milidum: If the last week's anything to go by, you'll probably try to sleep with my wife. Milidee: Are you sure you won't be in my shadow cabinet? Milidum: You must be joking. I've got my reputation to think of. Milidee: Can you at least remind me what I stand for? Milidum: Change, optimism, new generation, change, optimism, new generation . . . Milidee: Yes, yes, I know all that. But what do I really stand for . . .? Milidum: I thought you were your own man . . . Milidee: I am. That's why I stand for change, optimism, new generation. It's just the details I'm not sure about . . . Milidum: You mean, like, whether you're broadly in favour of the spending cuts or against them? Milidee: Precisely. Milidum: How about you toss a coin? Milidee: That's an absolutely terrific idea. I'm glad that's sorted. I don't know why I didn't think of it first. I knew I could always count on you. How am I going to manage without you? Milidum: Piss poorly, I hope. Milidee: Still. All things considered, I'd say that was a pretty damn successful conference, wouldn't you . . .? The Labour party: Not exactly . . . Cameron: Oh, I don't know! Personally speaking, I can't see how it could really have gone any better. We even managed to keep my little spat with the Foxter pretty much out of the news. Fox: Can we talk about the battleships? Cameron: Of course we can't, you fool. The media are listening again . . . Ah Cleggster! There you are. How was New York? Clegg: Oh thank you so much for letting me go, Daddy. I had an amazing time! Did you know they have really, really tall buildings over there? Cameron: Er . . . Clegg: Were there lots of nice pics of me talking to the UN in the papers back home? Cameron: Afraid not old chap. It was the Labour conference so you didn't get a look in. Why else do you think I let you go? Now run along and fetch my robes. I'm off to be beatified in Birmingham.