Westminster digested

January to April Geoff Hoon/Patricia Hewitt: Gordon is finished. The Labour party needs politicians of our charisma to mount a coup against him. The Labour party: Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse . . . Hewitt : I take it that's a no, then . . . Hoon: Looks like I'm going to have to try my luck selling access to politicians after the election. Brown: You little shit, Rawnsley. How dare you accuse me of bullying? I'll rip your poncey southern head off. Rawnsley: Can I speak to the National Bullying Helpline, please? National Bullying Helpline: I'll have to put you on hold. We've got the entire cabinet and civil service on the line. The Labour party: Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse . . . Brown: Even if Labour loses the election, I intend to remain leader for the next 1,000-year reich . . . Cameron: I'm having another baby . . . That should be worth a few votes! The Labour party: Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse . . . Alastair Darling: Frankly, I'm not too sure why I'm even bothering to make this pre-election budget speech. I'm doomed, the party is doomed and the whole country is doomed. But what the hell? Ten per cent on cider might help. Blair: Hi guys! I'm back to try to bugger up Gordon's campaign for good . . . I mean, show my support. Labour MPs: Clear your desks . . . Milidum: Good news bro! We're about to lose the election and I'm going to be leader afterwards. Milidee: I wouldn't count on it. Brown: Your majesty. There will be a general election on 6 May. The Queen: I know, you fool. I read it in the Daily Mail last year. The election campaign Cameron: We will end youth unemployment by making everyone under the age of 25 wear lederhosen and sing Tomorrow Belongs to Me. Brown: We have a manifesto for the future – 2015 to be precise, as that's the earliest we are likely to be elected. Cameron: Our idea is the Big Society. We don't know what we're doing, so you might as well do it yourself. Clegg: There's no real need for anyone to read our manifesto . . . Alastair Stewart: Welcome to the first televised election debate. Cameron: I'm sweating heavily and have a black man in Plymouth. Brown: I've frightened millions of viewers by smiling. Cameron/Brown: We agree with Nick. The Media: Nick is the Messiah! Clegg: I'm the Messiah! The Messiah! Cameron: I'm nice but dim and I've still got a black man in Plymouth. Brown: I'm auditioning for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and I've personally deported 900,000 illegal immigrants. Clegg: I win again. Rightwing media: Oh shit. Clegg could win. Clegg is a paedophile, Nazi, gay, suicide bomber, benefit cheat. Brown: I didn't call that stupid old bat Duffy a bigot. I called her big-hearted. Cameron: I'm ignoring Nick, but I will kill all illegal immigrants. Brown: I'm ignoring Nick, but I will kill everyone on the dole. Clegg: Hello! I'm going to build a wind turbine somewhere. News broadcast: The result is a hung parliament . . . Brown: I'm not going anywhere. Cameron: Oh fuck! We'll have to deal with the sanctimonious Clegg. Osborne: Yeah, but he'll be a useful fall guy when it all goes tits-up. Cameron: I say, Cleggster. Would you like to be my son? Clegg: I thought you'd never ask. Cable: What about our principles? Clegg: Who cares about principles when you're thrillingly in love? Brown: I've handcuffed myself to the radiators in No 10. I'm never leaving. Cameron: Wrong again! May to December Osborne: So what do we do now? Cameron: We roll up our sleeves. Osborne: And then? Cameron: We roll them up a bit higher. Clegg: I do love my Daddy. Cable: Shouldn't we be planning an economic policy? Osborne: Less of the we, Vincey baby. I'm in charge. You make the coffee. Clegg: I thought that was my job? Cameron: And so it is Cleggster! And very well you do it too. Now run along. Ozzy and I have very important grown-ups' work to do. We're going to be a really progressive government . . . Osborne: Yeah! We're going to make the rich progressively richer and the poor progressively poorer by making a milion public-sector workers unemployed. Milidum: The Labour party has got to stop all this in-fighting . . . Milidee: Oh no it hasn't . . . Balls: Oh yes it has . . . Cameron: Governing is a piece of piss when there's no opposition. Hold the fort, Cleggster, while I meet Obama. Clegg: Gosh Daddy! Soon you'll know two black men. But what shall I do while you're away? Cameron: Oh, you know. The usual: clean the bath, do the shopping . . . Osborne: And carry on getting shit from everyone for all the things we are doing to mess the country up! Cameron: Er . . . quite. But good news! Unto us is born a daughter! Milidum: I'm going to be leader . . . Milidee: I don't think so . . . Milidum: Wah! You've stolen my birthright. Milidee: Stop sulking and come and be my batman . . . Milidum: No! Shan't! Osborne: That was a pretty progressive budgie . . . Cable: Budget . . . Osborne: Whatever. I delivered . . . Everyone: Actually, I think you'll find it was regressive . . . Osborne: It so wasn't. I even flew back from holiday with the chavs on easyJet to prove how progressive I am. Cameron: Chill, Ozzy. No one is going to touch your £4m offshore trust fund. Ah, there you are, William . . . can you tell me why you shared a room with your friend? Hague: Because he has a GSOH and doesn't smoke. Cameron: Just get him to resign and no one will think you are gay, Big Boy Hague: Don't call me Big Boy! Clegg: I'm your Big Boy, Daddy! But everyone hates me and bullies me. Cameron: There, there, Cleggster. You're doing an excellent job . . . Clegg: What is it? Cameron: Saving me from copping it for screwing up the country. Clegg: Oh Daddy, I love this Big Society thingy, but Vince says all the public-sector workers we're putting out of work are Lib Dem voters . . . Cameron: Really? I'd never thought about it . . . Osborne: Much . . . Clegg: There's no sign of recovery in the private sector either. You will look harder for private-sector jobs, won't you? Cameron: Of course. There. I've looked again. There aren't any. Osborne: Wow! I've just found £7bn in my back pocket to bail out the Irish! Everyone: But I thought we weren't going to rescue the banks again. Milidee: I've a feeling that's the kind of point I should be making. Cameron: It is. Thankfully, you're just a bit crap, though. Now Cleggster, how are we getting on with tuition fees? Clegg: I'll walk through fire for you, Daddy. You will too, won't you Vince? Cable: My name is Vince Cable. I used to be a serious politician. Cameron: That's the spirit. Why don't you announce something pointless like how you're going to be really, really tough on the banks? Cable: I'd rather chat to a couple of Telegraph hotties about how I hate Murdoch even more than the coalition. Cameron: What a stupid Hunt. Clegg: Please let Vincey stay, Daddy. Cameron: Of course you can keep your dummy. We'd all be finished without it. Osborne: Whoops! Unemployment seems to be rocketing . . . Cameron: I've got a really good feeling about 2011.