Westminster digested

Osborne: Good news, Cams. I've thrashed out a deal with the banks. Cameron: I knew I could count on you, Ozzy. Talk me through it. Osborne: It goes like this. We tax the banks a little bit more than we said we would, though not as much as they would have paid under Labour . . . Cameron: So you got pretty bloody tough with them . . . Osborne: I sure did, Cams. I also said they'd have to lend a bit more money to small businesses if they felt like it. Cameron: Cripes! That's telling them. I hope that doesn't mean their bosses stop giving money to the Tory party. Osborne: Don't worry, old boy. I also said they could keep their bonuses. Cameron: Quite right. It's time to stop bashing the bankers and start concentrating on the recovery. What do you think, Vince? Cable: My name is Vince Cable, I was once a serious politician. Lord Oakeshott: Well if he won't tell you, I will. There is no recovery and the banks are taking the piss. Osborne: And another one gone and another one gone, another one bites the dust. Clegg: Please can I go out, Daddy? Cameron: I'm sorry, Cleggster. You're in quarantine. Osborne: Yeah, you've become a total fucking liability. Every time we let you out, you make a fool of yourself. Thanks to you, Cams and I have had to start taking the flak for our policies instead. Cameron: Good Lord! I didn't think we had any. I'd better make some up. Who do we hate? Osborne: Foreigners. Cameron: Me too! From now on the only foreigners we want in the country are whiteys who speak perfect English, eat fish and chips and have lots of money. English Defence League: Heil David! Every charity: Excuse me . . . Osborne: What do you want? Every charity: We're broke and we're cutting services. Cameron: Good! That proves the Big Society is working. We don't need you now everyone is unemployed and can go around picking up their own litter for free. Hague: I've got to get away from this idiot. Book me on a pointless trip to the Middle East. Ed Balls: The coalition is a bit rubbish. Milidee: Yay Ed. That's telling them.